Chicken Scratch

(posted by suave weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Happy New Year, Hoomans!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Se ya next year, suckers!!

Cluck fer now...

Hmmmm.....

Posting this from my Windows Vista (blech) computer today, as I am downloading free i-Tunes content from the "12 Days Of Christmas" feature offered by The Calgary Herald (and their affiliate newspapers across Canada - check it out in your own neighbourhoods!)

A nice treat these free downloads, but today's is likely going to take the entire day, as several are HD video files, well over 1G each! With our internet provider's sneaky downgrading of streaming speeds (what? no, not us!!), it is taking longer than ever - way longer than last year - if you care to deny that this is a ploy to get us to upgrade (NOTE: big surprise for you in the new year, cable goons...).

So, I have reluctantly fired up Vista, and hope I can just make it through one simple post without having to reload the entire system.

On a positive note, I am using Google Chrome - can't say enough about how much better this browser is than Explorer - especially the latest version of it. Almost makes you want to stay with Windows.

Oh, that's right - I use it on my MAC - Sayonara, sucker! Apple me up, Scotty!!

Chow for now..

Ornament Abuse??

Chow for now....

Hey? Where did all the Xmas music go, on the radio? What's up wit dat??? Nothing left now but to wait for the return of the Shamrock Shake....

Another late post. Well, after the first week of the new year, things should get back on a more stable track. Perhaps stable isn't the best choice of words regarding these posts. Oh well - they will likely begin to appear earlier again.

Mrs That Dan Guy has officially wrapped up Job #1 - NO MORE LATE NIGHTS!! (unless of course we are out getting into trouble...) Wahoo!!

Although, now I can't watch Showcase, or the French channel, whilst awaiting her return. Not a bad trade-off I suppose.

And. we're both off today. What adventure awaits???

Chow for now....

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #013

Santa Dan

A few years ago, I played Santa for a small company’s Christmas party. They provided the costume (rental), but I had little experience with the dang thing.

As you might tell, considered I spray-painted my own mustache. If you click on the picture, you will see there is an actual mustache, and opening for my mouth.

Costume 1, Santa Dan 0

Please, ask permission if you plan on using it anywhere...

Chow for now!

I am informed that I had forgotten to blog today. This apparently is entirely true.

I was tied up in a little pre-New Year expunging (not THAT sort of expunging, Mrs. That Dan Guy!). As a umm...avid...collector, I tend to accrue. Books, magazines, albums.

Newspapers, clippings, flyers - anything that might one day prove useful and/or profitable. Today, I am expunging what (after a dozen or more years of herding around from province to province) I deem now to not be profitable. Magazines that have shuttered, newspaper articles on computer operating systems long defunct - vital information at the time, but seeing s how it is unlikely I will return to Windows '95...

Although...

It is a tiresome task, let me tell you - hundreds of issues of Book, a supplement to the Globe & Mail. I was sure that one day I would find these invaluable. Now, I find them to be hernia inducers. Begone, Book - to the recycling bin we shall go!

Well, I think this qualifies as a blog post. So there...

Chow for now!

I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS

(MERRY CHRISTMAS)

I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS

(And A Happy New Year)

Special Xmas Feature:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=4173

Chow for now...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

"O Chrssmas Tree, O Chrssmas Tree..."

HIC!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Say, wattaya think they put in them eggnog toddies??

HIC!!

An why is that tree spinni'??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, who let tha bats in in??

Beat it, birds - ya bother me!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

"Don We Now Our Grey Apparel..."

"Fa La La La La...HIC!!!!

Pardon me. I think ma throat is bakfirin'...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

"Rockin' Aroun' Tha Chrssmas Tree, Have Holly Up Yer Butt"...HIC!!!!

Whoa! Someone getta grip on that cluckin' tree!!

Bartebdner!! Another nog, por favor!! Chuckie needs ta keep hydrated!!

HIC!!

Pluck me....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Merry Chrssmas, one and all! I think I need ta lay down...

Cluck fer now...

Whoops!

Just remembered I hadn't blogged yet today.

BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG.

And furthermore....

BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG.

In conclusion,

BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG.

Thank you.

Chow for now!!

I've only got a few free minutes, so I apologize if this seems rushed. Playing catch-up today, mustard been otherwise occupied the past few days (yuk yuk yuk...).

I may even try and do another, far more informative post later today after I'm done running around, but don't bet the farm on that.

Wait, if you were interested in betting the farm, I can lay some odds for you. Cash only.

Let's talk...

Chow for now.

PS - My latest audio interview, with Philly musician Pete Donnelly is shortly going to break the record long held by a Canadian musician (Nicholas Fera). Stay tuned!

HOT OFF THE PRESS!!

My audio interview with Philly recording artist and musician Pete Donnelly.

My first-ever post (and loaded podcast) on Google Chrome - SAYONARA EXPLORER!!!

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/webpage/talkin-with-musician-pete-donnelly-part-one-

More to follow - this is a great piece, if I do say so myself...

Chow for now!!

On a moment buoyed by a gusting swell of euphoria, we decided to treat ourselves to a modest dinner out last night. At a modest little restaurant.

The sort of restaurant where well-intended servers go about their business, making judgement calls in the course of their day based on observations.

Which is likely how we came to get our first-ever senior’s discount on a meal. It is either entirely humiliating, or....SCORE!!!! We saved 10%!!

Chow for now!

Today is a good day. No. today is a great day. Today will go down in the Such Is Life household annals of history. I don’t even know what annals are, of if I’ve even spelled them correctly, but I will ensure that the Keeper Of The Annals is alerted to today’s significance.

Sorry, that’s all you get.

Bwaaa Ha Ha....

Chow for now.

Le snow eez falleen. Cherchez de shov-ell!!

Hey, with only a few days left before Christmas, what’s Santa up to right now? Check out his blog to find out:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=4173 

More fun than making a snowman out of golf balls!

Chow for now....

Chicken Scratch

(Posted by weekend guest blogger...what the hell??? Charlie??)

Thas right, hoomans - Hail ta tha cheef!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I kinda like my mon-u-mental pose! Wut a fit with those other stiffs! All I had ta do wuz take tha oaf uv office....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Now ya reely can say I got rocks in ma head!!

Cluck fer now!

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #012

Tom Petty

Man, does veteran rocker Tom Petty ever know how to…well, rock! Mrs. That Dan Guy and I saw him perform when he came through Calgary back in 2008, and it remains a memorable concert experience.

As you can see from the photo, Petty had an expansive stage, which he fully utilized – roaming around like a jungle cat. You can almost spot each hair in his familiar beard here!!

This is a shot from our seats up in the rafters. You can also relive the experience via my blog review:

http://thatdanguy.blogspot.com/2008/08/way-later-than-i-had-hoped-tuesday.html

Please, ask permission if you plan on using the photo anywhere...

Chow for now!

Cleaning off our humidifier with vinegar. Getting the strongest craving for fish and chips...

Looks like I’ve only got another week or so to get my Christmas cards done, if I hope to get them out before Christmas. If they happen to arrive to the recipients anywhere close to the day, that’s only going to be a bonus.

You know, I’m only now putting together the correlation between six cups of morning coffee, and my unplanned jogs to one of the smaller rooms in the house. Sometimes, not so much of a jog, more a motivated sprint.

Whenever I visit the local funeral home, I’m like Bruce Willis. I see dead people...

Interesting. I have one lone palm tree in a sandy, barren area in the middle of my scalp...

Loading stones around our Xmas tree. It sounded like a good idea when I heard that song...rockin‘ around...

Oh - oh. Coffee breaking...

Chow for now!

I may need to book an appointment with my ophthalmologist...

I was driving back home this morning, after dropping Mrs. That Dan Guy off at Job #1. It was a rather uneventful trip, until I got behind a car that forced me to do a double take.

In between the driver and passenger seats, ears sticking up noticeably, was a baby deer. Now, I know, I know. I really should know the proper term for a baby deer, but I don’t. All I can say is that while you can see many things on the roads here in Calgary, a baby deer is right up there on the high end of the unusual scale, like the three wolves that stopped traffic here a few weeks ago.

Anyhow, this baby deer was just staring out the front windshield, and at one point, turned and licked the driver. I had to move over, to pull up beside this rare sight, just to see what sort of person transports a pet deer.

Once traffic opened, I did mosey up beside the driver’s side of the vehicle, and determined that this furry four-legged passenger was actually a dog, not a deer at all.

To be fair, my eyes had not enjoyed the benefit of my full dosage of morning caffeine to that point. I won’t make that mistake (both of them) again...

Chow for now.

Spooky....

For the last week or so, I’ve become more and more convinced that a ghost has been knocking a box of Kleenex off of the toilet tank. We can be in bed, eating dinner downstairs, or reciting poetry in the library, when all of a sudden a clear “thunk” could be heard. Every time, the box of Kleenex that sits behind me during moments of deep meditation, has fallen onto the seat below.

The past couple of days, it has been ever more frequent. Three or four times a day I hear the familiar “Thunk”, and have to go restore the box to a more familiar, appropriate location.

Finally, yesterday - I had my fill. I Googled “ghost knocking box of Kleenex off of toilet tank”, to see what this phenomenon might mean. Nothing apparently, aside from (I kid you not) several posts about Justin Bieber’s sexual frustrations. Google that phrase yourself if you think I made that up!

Discussing this yesterday with Mrs. That Dan Guy on her drive home from work, she smiled, then burst out with a hearty laugh-fest. Nursing my bruised ego, I asked here just what the hell was so funny?

She politely informed me that roofers are hard at work replacing the wood shakes with regular shingles, and maybe they might be the “ghosts”...

She can really piss me off sometimes, that Mrs. That Dan Guy....

Smarty-pants.....

Chow for now.

There are two schools of thought. One is that as North Americans, we have celebrated Christmas for decades, and we should be able to continue that tradition unhindered, without having to do so in deep, darkened basements, so as not to offend new arrivals to our shores, and/or non-believers.

The second is that we should be politically correct and sensitive, celebrating a generic, non-Christian “holiday” season - so as not to risk offending the aforementioned groups. Said groups of course which arrive on our shores with all their traditions intact, including questionable, often heinous practices that we are sending our troops (not at all ironically) over to THEIR shores, to try and rescue them from enduring barbaric traditions and practices.

It is both a hoot, and a holler.

All this to introduce my latest column, now online - offering new songs for the winter “season”. Heaven forbid it might be Christmas songs...

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=10667 

Enjoy!

Chow for now...

Hey, today is the 11th! Bonjour, Monsieur Numero Onze...

We’ve got snow coming down like crazy right now. Not such a bad thing, considering we are typically up to our chins in the stuff by this time of the year. It has been a slack winter thus far, by Canadian standards...

That said, I shouldn’t poke the sleeping snake, lest it awakens and I get my ass bit. I’d rather have tropical sand issues rather than snow up the wazoo, so I will cross my fingers that this trend continues a while longer.

As I said while driving home last night, the Christmas lights may look pretty around here right now, but they are just as attractive in San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Hawaii - all places we have enjoyed a warm and cozy holiday season in the past. Unlike lately, where a trip to the fireplace section at Home Depot is as exotic as we get.

Ugh....

Chow for now.

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Hey pal - got a light?

Yuk Yuk Yuk!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, thas right buddy, scritch right about there...that's it....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

"Snatch tha cigamarette from ma beak, grass-hoppa..."

Har Har Har!!!

Oh, ma achin' beak - I slay me!!

Hey, is that a vulture there??

Say pal, which way ta Albuquerque???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I got a millyun uv 'em....

Cluck fer now!

Big trip planned today! After brunch (odd hours here in the Such Is Life household - I know...), I will be going...drum roll please...DOWNSTAIRS!

Yes, that’s right, today I plan on traveling down to our basement. To be honest, I spend most days down there, but for some reason, I felt like I should make it an adventure today. Not like a “Raiders Of The Lost Harp” adventure, but as best an adventure as we can muster up these days.

Perhaps it will be “Crumbs of My Bran Muffin”, or “Back Scratcher Skin Shavings”. It could end up being “Where My Hemorrhoid Creme At?”

An adventure indeed...

Chow for now!

Hey everyone!

Check out my amigo Robin's December blog project - letters to Santa from her wide assortment of writing colleagues. Even reprobates like myself!

You can't find this anywhere else (yet) - but it did appear in another form in my weekly newspaper column back in December 2003, as well as in another version in my monthly national column:

http://writingonthewall-vaneck.blogspot.com/2011/12/dear-santa.html  (Not sure why that doesn't go live in Safari, but copy and paste in your browser!!)

And, it gets me off the hook for an actual post today :-)

Chow for now!

You know, a bird in the hand may be better than two in the bush, but why the heck would a person have birds in their hand anyway, unless they were a falconer, a ventriloquist, or Snow White??

I can understand two birds in a bush - if they got evicted from their tree, where else are they gonna live? Plus, a bush tends to allow far more “cover” than a tree branch, against their natural predators. From a bush, you are far less likely to hear “I tawt I taw a puddy tat”, when walking by...

Incidentally, you might want to stop walking around with sunflower seeds in your hands, if you do have a problem with birds deciding to reside there. In your hand.

Chow for now...

While my sister was here recently, modern technology played a vital role in communications among varied family members.

Here’s just a small example of the sort of dialogue that was transmitted from our house, during her stay (NOTE: some names have been changed to protect certain easily-embarassed family members):

Bernice Prayley: “Wow, Dan’s Sister - you are so lucky to be in the company of your talented and distinguished brother!”

Dan’s Sister: “Yes, I am counting my blessings as we speak!”

Bernice Prayley: “Does his skin glisten, like it does in the pictures he posts online?”

Dan’s Sister: “Even more so! Like a far-away star!!”

Bernice Prayley: “Mercy...”

Dan’s Sister: “I am spellbound when he speaks - it’s like an episode of Oprah’s Life Class. I even take notes...”

Bernice Prayley: “I wish I could spend even just a few minutes listening to him speak - my life is so empty without the wisdom he conveys so easily!!”

Dan’s Sister: “Hallelujah, sister...”

Bernice Prayley: “Dan’s Sister, would you...could you...might you ask him to think kindly of me?”

Dan’s Sister: “ I will try. Be well, dear cousin. Be strong...”



Honestly, it was a little embarrassing to read such gushing exchanges. It almost made me feel quilty about hacking into her internet connection.

Almost...

Chow for now!!

What A Weekend!

Let’s start from the end of it though - the part where a Twitter Tweet of mine was re-tweeted - by Bob freakin’ Newhart!!! The legendary comedian, actor - Emmy & Peabody award winner - responded to a re-tweet request I sent, regarding an old column I wrote after seeing him perform live a couple of years ago. Thanks to the re-tweet, I’ve already received compliments not only about the column, but requests for features from entertainment industry readers. Very cool.

My good luck charm here may have been a visit from my sister - who insists she had a great visit, even though we crammed her into a spare closet, on a leaky beach air mattress, with an empty ice cream pail for sanitary cleansing purposes. She is a trouper. Or a trooper - whichever one indicates resilience and endurance. OK, those are technically pretty much the same - but a really good sport for sure!

It was a super-swift visit, but enough to catch up - hopefully the next stop will be longer, and she will actually spot Mrs. That Dan Guy between her two jobs - rarer here than Bigfoot. Although, I have spotted a hairy creature getting ready in the mornings...

We also enjoyed the worst snowfall so far of this year, which prevented an excursion out to IKEA. Only now starting to return to normal, although the drive into work this morning was absolutely brutal...

Finally, my incessant tooth/sinus issue is finally ceasing. Not quite gone, but much, much better. I’ll have to stop back by the doc’s office, see if anything makes sense from all this misery.

Better run - playing catch-up today!

Chow for now!!!!

Just a quick post today...

“Quick”.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Sure was some wind storm last week.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Say, you goin' ma way, Komrade?? 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now... 

Just a quick post this morning, as I race to get to my final dermatologist appointment this morning. I'm looking forward to the results of my allergy tests, and Mrs. That Dan Guy is looking forward to my being able to shower.

Not saying I plan to, but I will finally be able to again...

Chow for now!

First of the month. Last month of the year. Which means we have just 31 days left for our alleged “Year Of Harvest” to arrive. Pretty sure we sent in our change of address, so Harvest should be able to find us...

Man, is my back itchy! Even with the duct tape and allergen testers removed, it is just begging for some soap, water, and a rough scraping. I suppose after almost a week, any sort of hygiene efforts would be appreciated by anyone nearby. I feel for the dermatologist, who has to do follow-up tomorrow. May have to consider wearing garlic or something, to give his nostrils a fighting chance.

Hey, I am happy to report that the scars I collected during our recent windstorm are healing nicely. My Harry Potter forehead scar is fading, and I have yet to notice any indication of Lockjaw, or whatever you get from rusty nails. Tetanus? Wish I had Googled that....

Chow for now!