Hi, my name is Dan, and I’m a Vista user…

(HI DAN!!!!)

Like yourselves, I was foolish enough to upgrade my computer, but I decided to go with Windows Vista, not even adding it to a default base of Windows XP.

(Audible sounds including assent, tsk-tsking, and a couple of groans)

I thought that when I bought a new computer, my Windows ME problems would be behind me, but I hadn’t considered the problems I might face with realistically an untested operating system. Oh, if I could only turn back the hands of time!!

(Sympathetic applause)

I knew that I was in trouble early on, when the computer started to exhibit quirks that I had never seen before – like an e-mail program that wasn’t bright enough to actually send or receive mail!

(Scattered laughter)

No, seriously – the early version of Windows Mail replaced all the features of Outlook with separate programs, that not only didn’t synchronize with my Blackberry, they didn’t synchronize with themselves!! If they held a family reunion, Windows Mail components would need to wear nametags!!

(Stronger laughter – momentum building with audience…)

Then there were the compatibility issues - I couldn’t use my new wireless keyboard and mouse, which were both certified to “Work With Windows Vista”. Yeah right, not even Windows works – with Windows VISTA!!! Am I right, people???

(Burst of hearty applause, several hoots of approval.)

I know I just have to walk away, but it’s hard. I’ve spent a year trying to make this relationship work. But I get nothing back – that sullen set of wires and lights continues to betray me. Mock me. Tease me, but not in a sexy, enjoyable sort of way…

(Sparse nervous tittering)

My friends here at Vista Anonymous, I ask for your support, as I cope with this evil temptation. I know that I can’t stay, but I have to be strong until I can. There is a light – a bright shiny light that gives me the strength to keep going. Until that day, let me just once have a week go by without error messages and blue screen crashes. Just one week without having to reinstall software that I’ve installed umpteen dozen times before.

Just let me have one week where I can take my eyes off of this computerized aberration of nature, without fearing that it has taken incompetence TO A NEW LEVEL!!!!!!

(Rapturous applause, building to a standing ovation)

Thank you, my name is Dan, and I’m a Vista user…

(Chow for now!)