Something else I would probably tend not to include in a homemade hamburger? Blue Cheese. Who the heck ever thought that blue cheese might be something to try tasting? Ewww!!

I can’t even stand the salad dressing version if I’m walking by it at a salad bar…

OK, that was artistic licence back there. While I can confirm that blue cheese salad dressing in fact exists, I can’t really say the same thing about a salad bar – although I have read about them…

I guess if I thought really hard about it, I probably wouldn’t be too interested in adding cocoa to a hamburger. I like cocoa, but I would probably restrict that delight to a cup accompanied by boiling water. I guess you could dunk a hamburger into a cup of cocoa…

Some other random items (in no particular order) which I would not care to include in a hamburger:

Pancakes

Potatoes

Canned Ham

Ostrich Knuckles

A copy of “Huckleberry Finn”

Shingling Tar

Shingles

Kraft Dinner

Oatmeal

Again, this is hardly a definitive collection of ingredients, but should you ever decide to invite us over for a barbeque, kindly have this list in your possession for reference.

Chow for now!!

I enjoy my hamburgers. I’d even go so far as to say that hamburgers just might be the very best meal in the whole wide world.

However, there are ingredients I just can’t see adding into the average hamburger sandwich. For example – peanut butter. I also love my peanut butter. But I don’t think I’d ever want a bacon double peanut butter cheeseburger. Blech…

Also something I’d probably not choose to insert into a cheeseburger: popcorn. Maybe on the side would be fine, but definitely not between the buns.

It would probably be a healthy addition to a burger, but I think I would choose not to push sour little crab apples into my Big Mac…

Hmmm. I really thought there would be a lot more food choices I would not be comfortable adding into a hamburger, but now I seem to be drawing blanks.

Any thoughts???

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

aaawk…

Hey, keep it down on those keyboard keys – I got me a doozy of a brain banger this mornin’…

Man, ya check out one innocent little All-You-Can-Drink Margaritas night at the local TGIF, and suddenly ya find yerself serenadin’ the cleanin’ staff at Wally’s All-Nite Bowl-O-Rama… I may have made a bit of a fool a myself…

aaaawk…

Is it just me, or does everybody’s temples in here beat like a bass drum in a marchin’ band?? One a my ears seems to be missin’…

I think this pretty much wipes out my dry streak – I had been watchin’ my booze consumption for the marathon I’ve entered this spring, but there’s a pretty good chance I made up for lost time last night. I thought I had just one or two, but it feels this mornin’ like it coulda bin more like three…

aaaawk…

I do have a dim memory of some tough-talkin’ mallard suggestin’ he could put back more Margaritas than any chicken in the house, but that’s about the last thing I remember. I don’t even recall seein’ him again – no…wait a minute - I do remember now. Last I saw, he was waddlin’ along through the kitchen, and one a the cooks invited him in for a look at the pate preparation area. Hope he doesn’t “spread” himself too thin!

Ooooh…bad joke and poundin’ head makes for one unhappy chicken. I gotta hit the bricks. Or my coop…

Cluck for now!!!

We really need to start digging a little deeper – tossing a few bucks towards the resident poultry population here just ain’t cuttin’ it in the housework department…

As you can easily determine from recent hidden camera footage, this was the end result of our asking Cornelius to help out by doing a load of laundry. Honest to Pete, we didn’t ever consider for a minute that this hair-brained chicken had never used a washing machine before! He thought it was a carnival ride! As if he wasn’t “spinny” enough already…

At any rate, without going into great detail about the REST of the disaster, all I want to mention before I drop the subject completely is that soap added to clothes in the DRYER cycle is one uncomfortable surprise when you’re rushing to get dressed for work in the morning…

Sometimes I have to wonder just who rules the roost around this place…

Chow for now…

We’re back!!

Ok, well at least one of us appears to be back in a full-ish sort of reasonable health. Mrs. That Dan Guy had to stay home again today, but she's almost out of the woods, with respect to her flu bug. Why she was out in the woods with a flu bug instead of a wood tick, or caterpillar is anybody’s guess – we have always been odd that way…

So, the back story to our struggles with this recent bout of illness can now be told (and we thank the paparazzi for respecting our privacy during this difficult time). It just so happened to coincide with another rush trip to Winnipeg, this time for a combination 50th Anniversary (that’s the Golden one…), and 75th birthday celebrations for my parents. Unlike modern-day couples with age differences in the 5-to-35 year range, my parents were typical of their generation – they were the same age – and, as a matter of fact, celebrate their birthdays in the same month! How’s that for keepin’ it simple?

At any rate, we were no longer than just freshly arrived in town, when a flu bug was handed off to us – we thought it looked a little cute, and took it along quite willingly. Our mistake.

By Day Two of our visit, I awoke to some mild nausea, sitting beside the bed. That sentence can be read any number of ways, and still remain a fairly accurate account of the occurrence.

I’ll spare you all the gory details of cookies and their tossing, but for the big formal dinner at a fancy Winnipeg restaurant, let’s just say I was far quicker on my feet than the entrees had been, prior to seasoning and serving. MTDG became symptomatic a day or two later.

Whoa! Better run!! I’ve gotta be somewhere this morning…

Chow for now!

There is some small bit of humour in the two of us being home sick. We both rarely ever take ill, so we are absolutely miserable when it does happen. We definitely do not handle convalescence time well - we'd rather be going toe-to-toe with our typical everyday life.

However, shtick happens, and life (as it often does in THIS joint) steers your boat off course. So, now the two of us are stuck home, about as healthy as a jug of milk left out on the kitchen counter for a month in the summer.

Clawing our way back ever so slowly, for today:

Chow for now!!

Starting to feel a bit better, but this bug I picked up has still got a wee bit of a grip on me. For a small bug, he's got large hands...

And now, as of early this morning, it would appear that I have inadvertantly chosen to SHARE this bug, much to Mrs. That Dan Guy's delight. She awoke today with similar symptoms, and a look of pure evil in her eyes...I may not live to see noon!

All things must pass (especially with this flu bug), so within the next day or so, we'll both be back up to speed. Without a need for speed, when it comes to washroom sprinting...

Chow for now!!

It's gonna be a short one today. Picked up some kind of bug over the weekend, and still not back up to full speed.

I'm hot and bothered. My throat is as dry as a furnace room in an ocean liner. I've yakked, and had many mad dashes to the throne room. In short (and not entirely unrelated), I've been feeling like crap.

Blech!!!

However, life goes on. This too shall pass. As will anything I eat over the next 24 hours, if the last 24 are any indication...

Chow for now!!

And so it is now officially Easter Day. Truth be told, I’m not exactly 411 with what an “Easter” might be.

I could understand “Yeaster”, which might relate to bread, or some other sort of baking. I’d imagine a person could earn themselves a degree in Advanced Yeasting, or Yeastery…

Buffets might lend themselves to a “Feastery” this weekend. “All You Can Feaster, for Easter, just $18.99!”

You could be a vegetable farmer, if you were a “Peaster”. Although I think you’d also have to dabble as a “Cornster” and maybe even a “Carroter” to really make some big bucks…

“Keaster” is what a person might fall onto, if they slipped on some ice, or a banana peel. Those damn banana peels…always tripping people up!

“Measter”. Hola! I am “Measter” That Dan Guy, and this is my wife, Measus That Dan Guy…

I fear this is doing nothing in increase my knowledge of what exactly an “Easter” is. I think I’d better hop on The Google, and get my smarts tuned up…

Chow for now!!

Happy “Heaster”!?

Chicken Scratch

Easter? Eggs??? They ain’t BUNNY eggs, you heathen human beans!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Well, good mornin’ anyways.

So, ole Charlie is knucklin’ down, gettin’ ready to do his taxes. Man, who knew numbers could make a noggin hurt so bad??? These tax turkeys must get paid by the form!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Every year around this time, I have ta get creative – find ways to explain how I spend or obtain my chicken scratch. Not like it’s anybody’s business! A chicken has a right ta sum fundamental privacy, if ya asks me…

Buk-Buk-Buk….

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, here’s the plan for this year – I’m livin’ off a charitable income trust, funded by interest payments from the orphanage I run. Who’d take money from a guy that runs an orphanage? Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

If they don’t like that, they can batter my backside, and kiss….

Sorry. This really gets my giblets. The cluckin’ government always has their hands out, but what do I get in return? I don’t get no subsidy to offset the cost of my claw-softener lotion, or the loads of anti-histamines I have to take every day, to clear off the runny parts on my beak. It all adds up, for cluck’s sake.

AAAAWK!!!!

Better wrap it up early this week. My numbers ain’t balancin’. I think I may need to find someone to act as my ailin’ aunt, to get a bit more tax breakage….

Cluck for now!!

HEY!! By switching to Firefox as a web browser, I was finally able to post a picture for Charlie's last posting on Saturday. AND, my posting is way easier. Go figure...

Now if I could only install a Mac onto this inept piece of MS Turtle Turd, I'd be laughing....

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Happy Good Friday, to those of you out there that celebrate this special day!

I wonder if anyone in a position of influence has ever considered trying to launch
"Thank God It's Good Friday", which to my mind seems like a perfect fit. Imagine how successful a restaurant chain with THAT name might be!

Although, TGIGF is a bit more cumbersome...

You know, with the weeks dragging along throughout the year, maybe we need a TGIW, for those middle-of-the-week hump days. But if you partied too hard on TGIW, you wouldn't be thinking TGIT, come Thursday morning. You may not even return to consciousness before TGIF.

Maybe we should leave well enough alone...

Chow for now!!

I’m nervous. Truly frightened…

I have just read that Microsoft Vista has some sort of new update or patch or skull and crossbones – something that is alleged to be “repairing” or “improving” the software. I see a small icon on my taskbar that indicates the dreaded “New Updates Are Ready To Download”. I don’t think I’m ready to see my life flash before my eyes…

However, now that these “updates” are loaded onto my computer, I suppose I have no choice BUT to allow them to “repair”, or “improve” my computer’s operation.

Of course, I thought I was “improving” my life by upgrading to Vista in the first place…

See you tomorrow. Or not?????

Chow for now!!

March 19th already!!!

Where the hell does the time go?????

One day you’re just adjusting every blasted clock in the house for some wacko annual Daylight Savings Time ritual, then you find you’ve lost TWO weeks of daylight AND night-time!

Sheesh…hard out here for a crimp…

I had big plans for mid-March, let me tell you – big plans!!

I had wanted to:

a) Row row row my boat. Gently down a stream.
b) I was going to repair Mrs. That Dan Guy’s shower curtain, which she apparently uses for chin-ups, whilst showering…
c) I had every intention of stopping to smell the roses. They just seem to be unavailable at this time of year, under the snow and such.
d) I was going to run with scissors. No, wait! I did do that yesterday…
e) Even though I’m pretty much 30 years behind, I was going to try and teach the world to sing, imperfect harmony. Ha! That was a complete typo (imperfect), but it’s probably way more appropriate to MY singing lessons…
f) I still need to help bring sexy back….

And there’s so much more! Slow down, Father Time!!!

Chow for now!!

The Tuesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Martina McBride.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Man, it seems like it’s been soooooooo long since I’ve had the chance to do one of these. Our social calendar clearly needs some massaging…

Anyhow, last night we addled into The Saddledome to catch someone we’ve wanted to see for a long, long time – and finally had the tickets in our hot little hands (my hands are somewhat hairier than Mrs. That Dan Guy’s…).

The show opened with someone I don’t think we could ever get tired of seeing – Canadian Scottish country rocker Johnny Reid, for whom we have an uncomfortably strong affection – as a performer. He ended up blowing away the middle act with his well-chosen set from his ample library of killer recordings (I confessed, didn’t I? We have an uncomfortably strong affection for his recordings…).

He ended his opening set to a resounding, solid standing ovation, and after a short break, current Nashville hit-makers Little Big Town lit up the stage. Little Big Town is sort-of like a countrified Abba. Actually, they’re very much like a countrified Abba, without the pop hooks. Although Fleetwood Mac might have been another worthy comparison, after they launched into a delightful cover of “Go Your Own Way”, towards the end of their set. As good as they were, they never lit the crowd the same way Johnny Reid did. One can only hope that they shuffle the line-up for the rest of the Canadian tour dates, not that that matters to us – we’ve already seen the show. Just sayin’…

After a short intermission, Martina herself arose from below the stage, and ripped the roof off with her most recent hit, which I also have to admit is pretty ballsy – like, why wouldn’t you save that for later?? But it worked – the crowd went nuts.

If you’re not familiar with Martina McBride, she has a string of hit singles, and she can be best described as a petite powerhouse, with the vocal punch of a Himalayan avalanche. She’s got pipes. And we heard all of those singles, plus many more showcases for her powerful range. Our McBride dreams have now come true…

A stellar evening of entertainment – and we did pretty good at the casino before the show as well. God Bless This Crazy, Wonderful World!!

Chow for now!!

Happy Anniversary!

(Oh, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day to anyone sober enough to know that…)

Today is the 2nd anniversary of this wacky blog. Two full years of committing nonsense and stuff to cyberspace, where Italian spies in very high places peruse each posting on a regular basis – to determine secret messages I may be inserting.

And what a ride it has been! What started out as an irregular daily mental meandering has sharpened over the many months into complete and absolute mental meanderings. Along the way I’ve inherited several rubber chickens, a banjo, and ensured that future generations will come to wonder why I was ever allowed near a keyboard.

As I sit here this morning, sipping on my coffee, I can’t help but wonder why I can’t feel my left butt cheek. But that’s OK – I’ve got a spare.

I hate to cut this big moment short, but we’re leaving early today, and I need to get some chores done before we depart. Green beer doesn’t just mix itself…

743 blogs so far, and hopefully many more to come.

Chow for now!!

No Country For Old Movie-Goers…

So, on a whim last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided to take in a movie, to replace the postponed Lenny Kravitz concert we had cleared our evening for.

We had wanted to see The Bucket List, the buddy comedy with Jack Nicholson, and Morgan Freeman. The Bucket List however didn’t give a flying leap about OUR preference, having long ago departed the mainstream movie theatre chains.

So, after gazing at a selection of people and movies we had never heard of before, and my losing a short game of Rock Paper Scissors, we opted for the heavily Academy Award awarded “No Country For Old Men”, for which Tommy Lee Jones had been nominated for Best Actor, and Javier Bardem WON, for Best Supporting Actor.

Why do I get the feeling you already know where this is heading????

Anyhoo, we settled into our seats, and readied our popcorn for the dimming of the lights.

Show time!!

The movie started out enjoyable enough, with James Brolin’s son setting up the story’s narrative – stumbling into the aftermath of a drug deal gone wrong. Man, he looks more and more like his dad every time I see him…

At any rate, without spoiling the rest of the movie, what happens after the opening scene drives the rest of the movie, and ultimately introduces viewers to Arlo. Or Ergo. Maybe it was Anton – Bardem’s homicidal maniac hit-man enforcer character. Who by the way really should have won for Best Actor. Tommy Lee Jones was like some kind of slow-talking afterthought. But that’s just one man’s opinion, even though he was in a very minute part of the film – Best Actor?? HA!

But again, I have digressed. The (completely ripped-off for Best Actor) Bardem character spends the next 90 minutes or so grim-faced, and whackin’ everyone in sight. He is a delight. Hey, I just wrote a poem, I think so!!

At any rate, all this build-up ultimately leads to the most disappointing ending I’ve ever seen, and we’ve seen a lot. The whole theatre seemed to feel the same way, once the credits started to roll. A collective groan permeated the theatre, like fog on an early morning London street corner. Like freckles on Raggedy Ann.

Our final conclusion – probably about one thumb half up. Javier Bardem is enjoyable, and the movie starts out well enough, but maybe they should have brought Will Ferrell in about halfway through, to lighten the atmosphere. Then you wouldn’t have cared so much when the ending sucked The Big Potato…

Chow for now!!

6:30 AM Monday, still can't load a friggin' picture...

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As of 10:00 AM Sunday, still no luck loading a photo...

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NOTE: Due to what I suspect (but can't prove) is yet another frustrating episode in the ongoing conflicts between MICROSOFT and Blogger, no picture is loading today. Check back - these things eventually clear up

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Chicken Scratch

Fascinatin’…

Get out! I didn’t know that…

Well, hello my big hairy friends! Just catchin’ up on my readin’, with my stereo blastin’ out some classic guitar pluckin’.

I’m gonna be a psychic!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Found this ESP book at the local library, and now I’m gonna expand my mind (which frankly is already bigger than most in THIS household…HA HA HA HA HA!!!).

If I can enhance my latent psychic powers, I will rule the roost! Rule the world!!

I’LL RULE THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’. Charlie, not everybody can harness the lightning. Not every ole chicken can rope the wind. Well, Ole Charlie is here to tell ya, if Jennifer Love Hewitt can whisper to ghosts, then this chicken can pick the winner for the fourth race at Belmont!!

Hey, I won’t be greedy! I’ll only use my psychic powers in random intervals, so as not to alert the authorities to my wiles. One little lottery here and there, a few sports bets from time to time – just enough to lift my standard of livin’. I’m barely scratchin’ out a livin’ here….

I wanna claw my way to a joint of my own – where I don’t have to walk into a bathroom that Banjo Boy has just vacated. Ewww!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, my fine humany friends, the next time you read this column, I should be well on my way to playin’ Tiddlywinks wit Donald Trump. Advising Elizabeth Taylor on new perfume smells.

I’ll be getting’ my chicken-pimply self a chimp!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Later, losers!

Cluck for now!

With plans to adopt a platypus or mongoose essentially stalled, I am now investigating alternative pet options.

Having recently seen a coyote by the side of the road, they look an awful lot like a dog – so they would be one consideration. That would help control the roadrunner population around here as well.

I suppose I could live with a bird, dull as they are, if it were an eagle or a hawk. I’d even be OK with a Peregrine falcon. A man could play “fetch” with an eagle or a hawk, if you happened to be throwing small rodents. An owl is out of the question – all that damn “who-ing”…I’ll tell you who – the chef who is about to prepare owl soufflé!!

Also out of the question – rattlesnakes, which is why I wanted a mongoose in the first place. Honestly, I still have yet to confirm that rattlesnakes are even indigenous to our area, but one can never be too careful where it concerns rattlesnakes.

Chow for now!!

Fables Revisited: The Turtle & The Hare…

Once upon a time, there was a slow, slow turtle, and a dashing, speedy hare.

The slow, slow turtle would amble sluggishly along, all the doo-dah day. The hare would rocket about like a pinball…thingy – pinging hither and thither.

Often, their paths would cross, as the turtle would be heading (ever so slowly) to the supermarket to do his grocery shopping, and like a comet in the night – the hare would rocket by.

One day, a bookie decided it might be fun to try running some numbers, pitting the turtle and the hare against each other, in a foot race. Or paw race, I suppose…

Odds were laid, and both the turtle and the hare were convinced to participate. Hey, getting part of the gate money adds up…

The hare, feeling perhaps somewhat over-confident in his obvious speed advantage, decided to pack a cooler of carrots, and run barefoot. The turtle, slow and steady, wore sneakers, and a Nike baseball cap (details were unavailable at press time confirming sponsorship).

The starting gun was fired, killing just a single pigeon who happened to be hovering too close to the starting line. The racers were off!

The hare bounded down the road, until he disappeared off into the distant horizon. The turtle moved almost two and a half feet in the same time.

After some passage of time, the turtle passed the hare, napping by a tree, on the side of the road. His confidence was further crushed by this brazen display of arrogance by the rabbit.

The hare opened one eye, and sneered at the turtle – laughing at the painfully slow progress of the shelly dude.

Just as the turtle was about to burst into tears, a coyote popped his head out from behind the tree the hare was resting against, and gobbled up the hare in two quick snaps of his raggedy jaws.

The turtle continued along the road, until he crossed the finish line, becoming an instant celebrity in the process. Currently, he has been seen keeping close company with Paris Hilton, and plans to release a fitness video.

The moral of the story – Nature is a cruel mistress….

Chow for now!!

Heh Heh Heh….

Always just a shade nervous whenever Windows decides it needs to “automatically update” my computer. Usually this happens whenever it’s been working relatively well for a few consecutive days…

This morning, while trying to get an early start on my blog, Windows indeed indicated that it had an “update” to “improve” the operation and security of my computer. I’m not sure why Windows gets up so goddam early in the morning, just to snoop inside my computer’s hard drive, but after losing data and sanity after past updates, I always grit my teeth just a bit, before I agree to allow these “improvements”.

Well, as it happens, the downloading was uneventful, and thus far, I still seem able to word process, and access The Google. All of my teeny icons are still wherever they usually appear on the screen. And, my screen for that matter appears happy and well-nourished.

Is it possible that Windows has accidentally downloaded an effective update? An update that ultimately WILL improve my computer’s operation and security??

Time will tell…

Chow for now!!

Ripped off!!

Our hopes and dreams are totally dashed!!

Woe is us!!

After waiting for weeks, I read in the newspaper this morning that the Lenny Kravitz concert we were supposed to see this weekend has been POSTPONED! POSTPONED!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Apparently he’s fallen ill, on OUR leg of his tour. "Are you gonna go my way?" Not right now!!

Damn rock n rollers… Couldn’t be bothered to consume a cup of Echinacea for his own health benefit, and now WE have to suffer for it!

OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

AND the new show is supposedly pushed off until NOVEMBER!! NOVEMBER!!!!!

Feh!

Ripped off!!!!


Chow for now…

Ah, my beloved Microsoft Vista. Once again, it seems unable to recognize the wireless keyboard that enables me to type out these daily ramblings.

Once again, this “improved” computer operating system is about as “improved” as Fred Flintstone’s foot-powered soft-top convertible.

Once again, this “improved” computer operating system is about as useful and convenient as a Styrofoam boat anchor.

And you know, that’s not a bad idea for a secondary use for this here computer either…

Chow for now…

At One With “The Majesty Of The Mountains”.

(Actually, “At Two”. Someone Had To Be There To Take The Flippin’ Picture…)

As you may be able to deduce by the background in the picture up there today, I was recently posing in front of a mountain range. The Rocky Mountains. The Canadian part of the Rocky Mountain range to be exact, whose American portions were made famous in the 1970’s by John Denver, as he gushed over them in one of his songs. He did love his Rocky Mountain high…

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were up for the first time ever in Kananaskis Village – a bee-oo-tiful part of rural Alberta, a mere 45 minutes from our front door. I had a health fair to attend, in my capacity as a Canadian Diabetes Association volunteer. MTDG stowed away in the van, popping out after it was too late to turn back for home…

At any rate, once we arrived at Kananaskis (Gesundheit!!) and set up the diabetes display, we took a little wander, and shot a few photographs. It is breath-taking. So breath-taking, we are still waiting for our breath to be returned.

Around this beautiful resort, there is a trail intended for viewing these mountains, called the Village Rim Trail. So we rolled up the rim (ouch! Totally Canadian inside joke…), and took a few more shots, which you can view at this handy-dandy link:

http://photoshare.shaw.ca/view/8053591844-1205081130-75026/

I am now going to depart, so as to warble about these Canadian portions of the Rocky Mountains, in the hopes of achieving similar success as Mr. Denver.

For today, I bid you a fond adieu…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Come on, chicken…THINK!!

It’s Saturday mornin’, and people are expectin’ your pearl drops of wisdom – this ain’t NO time for writer’s block!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Uh, top a the mornin’ ta ya, humans. Ole Charlie was just talkin’ to hisself, to coax out a few thoughts, like I usually do here on the weekend. But the ole well seems to have run dry this particular mornin’. What the cluck….

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

What’ve I got…

Well, tomorrow starts Daylight Savings Time, where I get ripped offa an hour of my beauty sleep. My poultry bumps are gonna be draggin’ Sunday, that’s for pluckin’ sure!!

How come none of the political parties down in the Unitey Steaks didn’t nominate a chicken? I think that HAS to be discrimination of some sort. I’ll tell ya one thing – a clucker that was President would convert KFC into Kentucky Fried Cattle faster than yew can say “Chicken Knuckles”…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Dear God, this is just painful today. I got nuttin. I got doodly.

I got a scratch on my pinfeathers these damn short wings o mine just can’t reach…

Well, I think I need to crawl back inta my coop, and catch a little siesta, so as my brain clears up. What the pluck?? That didn’t make a lick o snese!!!

I’m outta this popsicle stand. Amuse yerself for once!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Cluck for now!!!

There are days when a person just craves a Dunkin’ Donut. Craves a Dunkin’ Donut more than coffee, more than even finding a twenty dollar bill on the grass in your back yard, obviously dropped by a bird that had scooped it up from an outdoor café, where it had been left to pay for a light lunch, but with its absence now appeared that the diners had perhaps dined and dashed.

Oh, we’ve got donut joints up here in Canada. Tim Horton’s, Robin's. We even have a few rare imported Krispy Kreme outlets. They ain’t Dunkin’ Donuts though. A Dunkin’ Donut is about as perfect a donut as you’re ever going to find.

I’m not going to offer any proof of that claim. Does the Pacific Ocean need to prove how pacific it is? I say no – it is what it is, and that’s good enough for me. Plus I’m too distracted by my Dunkin’ Donut desire to even think straight at this point. I’m looking over at a little Frisbee on my bookcase, and it looks just like a double chocolate that’s been dyed blue.

Mwaaahhhhmmmmmmm………

Guess I’ll have to settle for a local donut. I can always dream of Dunkin’…

Chow for now!!

Over the last couple of days, achieved jointly with equal doses of stubbornness, frustration, and Red Bull, I have successfully managed to fix a couple of long-standing problems with my computer’s new operating system. As Mike Tyson used to say, “I am ess-tatic”!!

Yessirree, I am now once again able to send and receive e-mails – which has greatly enhanced my happy factor. Nothing like being cut off from the outside world by defective technology to enable negative thoughts to enter your mind (I wished that everyone responsible for the Vista OS would grow elephant trunks, and then catch the worst head cold ever).

I’ve also started to solve other issues, so there is hope. I may be once again a happy PC customer. We’ll see.

In other news, some of my “real” weekly columns are now available online.

Go to:

http://www.eventpub.com/

and scroll down the left hand side of the page, until you see “Featured Columnist”.

In the archives, you will find:

“Change Is Really Really Good”

“Cruising For A Bruising”

and

“Behind The Scenes With Hockey Night In Canada”.

All good fun…

Chow for now!!

You know, I didn’t realize just how uncomfortable I am with heights, until I just now looked down from the office chair I’m sitting on. Wow! That floor is pretty far down. Now I’m starting to think that that old commercial “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” wasn’t so funny after all…

Try it for yourself. Pull out a chair, sit down, and then gaze downwards, until you can clearly see the floor below. It may help if your chair has arms, so as to grip for safety when you start to go woozy.

Funny, I’ve never felt this way on the sofa, but it reclines, so I’m waaaay back from visible vertigo issues. Plus that Howie Mandel is so darn funny, it takes my mind right off of plummeting from the comfort of a couch.

Now I’m going to have to rethink the barstools we have at our elevated kitchen island nook. I’m either going to have to install large fluffy pillows around them, or seat belts. What kind of a headline would THAT make?

“Man Meets Maker Munching Macaroni – Impact Dents Linoleum…”

No way! Not this cowboy! I’m going to steal a page from the Japanese, and eat on the floor from here on out. Legs crossed, meditative, and barefoot – I’m going to leave elevation to giraffes and daredevils.

Chow for now!!

That’s what you get for utilizing artistic license. Playing fast and loose with the facts. Making things up out of thinnish air…

Yesterday (or so) I suggested that an albino rattlesnake might be able to tiptoe into the garage, under the camouflage of snow cover.

Well, you woulda thunk that the albino rattlesnake was the key clue in my twaddling of the facts there, but in fact, it was “the camouflage of snow cover”. We had NO snow on the ground – the brown carpet of hibernating grass outside our home would have made an albino rattlesnake stand out like an icicle with fangs. Like a scaly white sceptre of all-too-obvious snakery…

So, Mother Nature (being the card she is) decided to provide us with some fresh snow overnight - for our drive into work today (MTDG, not me – I would LIVE in a housecoat and slippers if she didn’t need chauffeuring).

The moral of the story kiddies – be careful what you wish for, or write about – because ole Mother Nature can be quite the clown…

Chow for now!!

Still sorting out the logistics of purchasing a mongoose. Not getting much help from the local pet stores though – they all think I’m trying to pull their legs… If I could get the blasted mongoose, SOMETHING would be pulling on their legs – THAT’S for sure!!

To be fair, my urgency has diminished, what with the lack of apparent rattlesnakes in and around the home. Although, I shouldn’t relax my guard just because there’s snow on the ground outside. What if an ALBINO rattlesnake tiptoed in from outside, while I had the garage door open??

I must remain ever vigilant, as Lord, Master, and Protector of this domain…

Now, where does a person have to travel, to find mongooses (rarely “mongeese”) indigenous? Europe? Asia? Nebraska? I don’t believe they are native to any part of Canada.

So much on my plate…

Chow for now!

Cooking With Dan Lesson #11

Appled Chicken

Greetings, dear readers. Today I’m putting on my Rachael Ray hat, and sharing some tips on preparing Appled Chicken, a cherished Such Is Life household recipe.

First, you will need the ingredients:

1) A chicken – preferably fresh and clean, but if you’ve got a pesky one around your house that keeps drinking your beer without permission, grab the little clucker by the scruff of his neck, and pluck his caboose clean…

2) An apple – I’ve always tried to use apples fresh from the vine, or at least something that professes to be organic. Failing those simple criteria, a lowly crate apple from a supermarket display should do the trick just as well…

3) A large platter, to contain the poached poultry, and gleaming apple.

4) Balsamic vinegar. It’s the only thing that seems to clean the gravel out from between the claws of the average free range cackler…

5) Beer. To stuff the bird. So as to have him woozy enough not to notice the preparations for dinner, to which he is invited, but will not be seated, so to speak…

6) An oven. I always assume this goes without saying when cooking is involved, but some people need pictures drawn…

OK, you’ve got your ingredients, and your chicken is sufficiently snockered. If his singing and swaying is bothersome, simply club the bird once with a can of frozen peas. The peas may come in handy, after he’s out of the oven.

Once the bird is immobilized, pop it into a pre-heated oven (425°), for about 35 minutes. Ensuring that he is a golden brown (or grey – some birds just don’t bronze), remove him from the oven, and place him on a platter. Give the apple one last polish, and firmly implant it in the beak. Serve with fresh greens, or thawed peas. Serves 4.

Enjoy! Salut!! Bon Appetit!!!

Chow for now…

Chicken Scratch

Pluck my feathers and call me bouillabaisse – it’s March!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, it’s March, and I already hate me some cluckin’ ducks. Anaheim Ducks, to be exact… Their pluckin’ goalie gets my giblets – what kinda name is Giguere anyways…

Hey, ice is kinda cold to lay on, even miniature ice. Don’t I look like a giant on this here little rink?? Chickenzilla!! Rarrrr!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, today I’m lyin’ here on this scale-model sheet of hockey ice, because I happened to find it in the basement of the house. I wish I could tell ya that I got a funny recollection from my days of peewee hockey, but I don’t.

Although, I was kinda the Tie Domi of the chicken circuit, back in my day. I was the meanest son-of-a-crowin’-rooster the opposing team ever had the misfortune to run into.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I got in my share of fights, even in the juniors – where it was frowned upon. I didn’t care – every little jersey I could pull over the head of some other loser was a feather in my cap. Helmet. Crown…

Which gave me plenty of time to relax in the penalty box. I rode the pine there for most games, but it beat he hell out of having to race down the ice to try to score. How are ya supposed ta keep your cigarette lit, skating like a pluckin’ missile down the ice? I like my pace leisurely – they don’t even pay ya in beginner hockey!! Cluck that!!

Buk-AAAAK!!!!

Well, before my pinfeathers freeze permanent here, I better scatter. I’m datin’ the Watusi triplets tonight, and I’m visitin’ the spa, to get my comb waxed. Hasta cluck vista, baby!!

Cluck for now!!