Hey, it’s the last day of 2008!!

I guess this means that unless I really take the time today, I’ll never get through reading the entire Harry Potter series, from start to finish. I knew I should have planned that project better…

Through the magic of the Internet, and much like a scene from the teen sorcerer Potter novels, you can find out how Mrs. That Dan Guy and I spent our evening, bringing in the New Year, before it even happens! That’s right – I’ve never shared this with you all before, but I have magical powers, and have foretold in advance how tonight will unfold.

Read all about it here:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=155586

And here’s wishing you all a happy and prosperous 2009!!

Chow for now!!

Just can’t help but notice that 2008 is rapidly drawing to a close. Seems like just yesterday when it was early January, and the year was still toodling around in diapers, and banging into furniture. I could keep it entertained with a ball of yarn and a squeaky toy.

Now, here we are – the last couple of days left in the year, and 2008 is looking out the window, wondering where it will be come January 1. Which is kind-of an interesting question – where DO all the past years go, once they’ve come and gone? I’ve never seen a calendar with two Januarys, so the old year must have somewhere to go, when it has lived out its run??

I wonder if old years go to stay with other things that have faded over time, like Woolworth stores, or Paris Hilton’s recording career?

I wonder if past years travel together, visiting sites overseas with other years gone by – 1999 may be deep-sea fishing off of Cabo with 2004!

There could be the ultimate seniors bus on the road right now, visiting small towns with buffets and bingo halls in Nevada – 1901 sitting beside 1915, talking about that old coot 1887 behind his back. Of course, they could talk about him anywhere – that year is deaf as a portable flashlight.

There are two things that spring to mind after offering up this theory today:

1) I really need to start planning topics for these morning postings ahead of time
2) I hope that the folks at Mac know that I think about them – every single day…

Chow for now!!

PS - it is well worth scrolling down a few days, and reading some of the comments posted there. At least in my own humble opinion...

“Hey it’s good, to be back home again…”

Well, that line from an old John Denver song would be accurate for everything, EXCEPT my beloved Windows Vista computer. Something in this house affects this cursed thing beyond any and all hope. It cannot function normally in this house.

Some things never changing, our return has prompted once again all the issues I’ve enjoyed NOT enduring while away on our vacation. Our firewall appears to be malfunctioning, most programs take forever to load, and when they finally do deign to appear, they provide the infamous “program not responding” message. It is enough to make a person daffy. Daffier even than I might appear whilst simply posting this stuff…

Oh well, at least we’re home, and literally both home today. Mrs. That Dan Guy was supposed to go back to work today, but we were both up most of the night last night, either restless or God knows what. So, she called in an additional day of holiday time, and will return tomorrow.

That way she will be around to hear me rave about how much I love working with this computer, all day long…

Chow for now!!

Well, this is somewhat embarrassing…

After railing on for MONTHS about how horrible Windows Vista is to work with, turns out there may be some sort of interference right here in my own home, that affects the operation of my computer.

While we were away the past couple of weeks, the computer has been flawless. I even received an error message regarding another ongoing quirk, which I’ve never received whilst here at home. That may allow me to fix that particular problem.

After our return late last night, I’ve been trying to do a few things this morning, and all the old familiar (annoying/frustrating/maddening) problems are back. Which leads me to believe that there is some sort of interference here in the homestead that affects my beast.

Which, also means that I may have to hold off on Mac, lest it becomes afflicted as well.

This all makes some sort of sense, as we have experienced a few more oddball things here in the Such Is Life household (excluding myself), such as remotes not working properly, and other assorted electronic snafus.

Boy, you’d think that living under transmission towers would actually BENEFIT our electronic devices…

Chow for now!

Sheesh!

Late start, and not because we were up partying hearty the last night of our vacation.
Our in-room internet expired yesterday afternoon, and I was reluctant to start it up again, because the connection for entering our credit card info wasn’t a secure connection. Once, maybe – twice, not a chance.

Then, I tried to use my Blackberry, but that didn’t work either. Using wireless at airport, but now we are boarding. More later…

Chow for now!

Reno 08 – Day Four

Happy Boxing Day, to anyone out there that isn’t already standing in a line-up somewhere - to return crappy gifts, or take advantage of price-slashing post-Christmas sales.

The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button – the new movie released Christmas Day was where Mrs. That Dan Guy and I found ourselves yesterday. An informal poll of the ticket wicket lady indicated that Marley And Me was probably winning the day at the box office, but this film had the theatre packed out as well.

This movie had piqued our curiosity during pre-opening commercials, and boy, did it ever live up to expectations! A magical movie, spanning the lifetime of the title character and his circle of “family” and friends. Without divulging too much, the movie is a loving postcard to New Orleans.

Well, frankly that didn’t reveal much of anything, did it?? Highly, highly recommended – the audience even broke into applause at the end.

After the flick, we had to hightail it back to the restaurant where we had made reservations for Christmas dinner. Yet another choice yesterday that lived up to and maybe even exceeded our expectations. A truly delightful meal that left us as stuffed as the tom turkey that we feasted upon.

Now, there’s my only complaint. We don’t get tom turkeys in Canada. We get turkeys that are pretty fine and dandy, but these tom turkeys are absolutely delicious. Although, I would feel better if it were a Clyde or a Zeke – Tom makes it sound like too normal and nice a bird to munch on. But maybe that’s just me…

Chow for now!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Reno 08 – Day Three

OK, first off – what are you doing reading this blog today? Go open a present, or slug back some rum-soaked eggnog, for Pete’s sake!! Sheesh!

However, if you are sticking around, here’s how yesterday unfolded:

After a lazy morning, and a lovely breakfast in the hotel’s coffee shop, Mrs. That Gas Bag and I took to the streets of Reno once again. Since the last time we were here many, many years ago, Reno has undergone some major changes. Many of the shops and restaurants we enjoyed before are all long gone. Many more are shuttered or recently shut down. Reno is a blend of bustle and ghost town, truth be told. The charming old casinos have folded their tents, as the larger complexes have lured over many travellers.

Speaking of travellers, not a great couple of days for holiday travelling yesterday and today. Ugh! We really are counting our blessings, this Christmas day.

We snooped around Harrah’s (pretty quiet), and hiked over to the old Sands, the last place we stayed when we were here before. The place has changed so much we didn’t recognize one iota of the joint. They now feature a large Mels’ Diner, which is where we had an awesome dinner stop. I had one whopper of a chili dog, about the size of an atlas. Couldn’t even put a dent in it – but it put a dent in my digestive system, if you know what I mean...

Speaking of Mel’s (made famous in the film American Graffitti), California was rife with George Lucas trivia – we even drove by his sprawling production complex on one of our tours of San Francisco – I always just assumed he was in L.A., but he also keeps his heart in San Francisco.

Once we made our way back to our hotel, we played a few hours of Pai Gow poker, a very friendly game where we had a blast with a family from Spokane, or thereabouts. That was pretty much it, as we wound down our day, and headed back to our room.

Where “It’s A Wonderful Life” was playing on TV, which we settled in to enjoy. Nothing gets you in the mood for Santa like that old holiday chestnut.

Hope you have a great day with your own family today!

Chow for now! Ho Ho Ho!!!!

Reno 08 – Day Two

Watching the news this morning, we are reflecting a lot on how lucky we’ve been so far on this trip. Holiday travellers all across North America are not getting as fortunate a break as we’ve had, so we’re awfully thankful for the angels that have been watching over us.

All the national broadcasts are showing delayed and cancelled flights, and just now there was a breaking news alert on a mishap in Seattle with a de-icing agent. What a way to add stress into an already highly stressful time of the year…

Yesterday, we took to the streets of Reno, safe in the knowledge that that crazy Johnny Cash is no longer with us, and might pull a Folsom Prison on us. You might want to Google the lyrics there, for that comment to make any sense…

Cash presence or not, we did take our lives in our hands later in the day, walking unwittingly through a pretty bad part of town, confirmed later by a cab driver returning us to our hotel. We had left our room about 10:30 AM, with the sole intent of making it out to Reno’s big shopping mall. A day or two before Christmas. Yes, we are indeed snap crackle and pop…

However, along the way we ended up waylaid at the Silver Legacy casino, and then the elderly Cal-Neva. Untouched by time, the Cal-Neva is one of the oldest casinos left here, in the downtown strip. We were delayed long enough to have lunch there around 1PM, at an authentic lunch bar, with an authentic short order cook. We had authentic hot dogs, and later, I had some authentic gaseous emissions – sorry for painting THAT picture (honestly though, gentleman that I am, I am protecting the identity of the true gas bag…)

From the Cal-Neva, we finally began the hike to the shopping mall, which turned out to be much further away than it looked to be on the map. We had to make yet another pit stop, at The Peppermill. Besides being exhausted, we had also started to notice more and more unsavoury characters along the way, so we thought it may be best to cab it the rest of the way to the mall.

By the time we finally made it to the cab stand outside Macy’s, it was after 5PM. Wattaya gonna do? When in Rome…

We walked even more throughout the mall, eventually picking up a few things on our wish list. The thing we noticed most was the lack of lines in the stores. Sure, there mall was busy, but we never had to stand in a single line. If this had been Calgary, the mall would have been absolutely insane. It was nutso before we even left. So it was surprising to note that a couple of days before Christmas, the stores were rather barren. I suspect this won’t bode well into the new year.

On a side note, last night when we were wandering around the hotel, an NHL game was on many of the TVs in our complex - Edmonton versus Phoenix. Once again, Canada was close by (Edmonton was the original Canadian team that Wayne Gretzky played for. Phoenix used to be located in Winnipeg, for that matter). Last night, we watched San Jose pulverize the Vancouver Canucks – if we had stayed in San Fran, we could have seen that game live! Very cool…

Hope you’re already with your loved ones, or make it there on time to celebrate!

Chow for now!!

Reno 08 – Day One

Well, we reluctantly boarded an Amtrak train yesterday (at 6:55 AM no less!!), and departed San Francisco. THAT was a depressing thing to do. I think both Mrs. That Dan Guy and I will agree that SF just may have catapulted to the top of the list of our favourite cities. What a beautiful burg! Maybe we did leave our harps there…

On the plus side, we got to take our first-ever train ride, through the beautiful Sierra mountains. Now there’s the way to travel – super comfy, leisurely, and you can roam around – unlike airplanes, where we are rapidly approaching a day where passengers will all be herded into a cargo hold, and shoved in as compactly as possible. But they will at least drop pretzels from the ceiling, just to maintain the illusion of service. Maybe that’s just my own perspective…

The train ride was a bit longer than we had expected, but overall we’re happy we finally got to experience it. Train travel in Canada is just plain prohibitive – for example, it cost just over $80.00 US for us BOTH to get from San Fran to Reno, but the same distance in Canada would be about $2500.00 US. EACH!! And all you’d see out the window would be prairies and maple leaves. Trains in Canada are essentially as expensive as a few months of college education, with a whistle.

After spending days and days walking around San Fran, the long train ride made us sluggish and sleepy. We played a few slots, had some dinner, then somehow amazingly found the energy to force ourselves back into the casino. Where I won a slot tournament! $100, thank you very much. We must try that again, perhaps today…

We haven’t been to Reno in years, maybe almost a decade. We need to get out today, and see what’s changed, aside from the stunningly full hairline I would have displayed back then.

One thing we’ve enjoyed the whole trip is how Canada has followed us around. We’ve heard Michael Buble, Bryan Adams, Nelly Furtado, Celine Dion, and more while we’ve been across the border, from music and muzak systems everywhere.

Just an observation – we’re anything but homesick :-)

Chow for now!!

San Francisco 08 – Day Six

Due to a bad weather system moving through North America, we were rained out here yesterday. It was a soggy day by the bay, hampering our last kick at the sightseeing cat. (I believe I have said this before – I am not advocating kicking cats when I use phrases like I just did – please be kind to cats and any other animals, at this festive time of the year.)

Prevailing poor weather aside, we were still able to squeeze in a bit more exploring, even hiking up Hyde St. to walk down Lombard, the most crooked street in the world. Not crooked like Nixon – just windy. And to be clear, that’s “windy”, as in winding and weaving, not as in “windy”, even though the wind was gusting during the rainstorm we were out in.

We even stopped in at an iconic California In ‘N’ Out Burger, although it looks just like any other fast food restaurant when you’re in there. Icons aren’t always easily distinguished from common eateries, I suppose. At any rate, the burger was indeed delightful, one of our few brushes with beef in the past seven days. I am truly going to miss all the fresh crab, once we leave here later this morning – I am considering seeing how well some might travel, if I spritz them with water occasionally on the trip home. I’m more worried about how they’ll get along in my carry-on baggage – I reckon they’re called crabs for good reason.

Must run, we are packing up early, to catch a train. Our first-ever Amtrak experience – this could be a whole new wrinkle on the Polar Express story – of course, we will let you know how that worked out, tomorrow morning.

Chow(der) for now(der)…

So long, San Francisco!!!

The Sunday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Dame Edna.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

There are plenty of shows to see here in San Francisco. During our many tours of the city, we learned that most shows debut here, before they ultimately end up on Broadway. There’s a run of Grease playing right now, with Taylor Hicks from American Idol, plus Wicked, one of the big Broadway hits in recent years.

Seeing as how we were in San Francisco, we thought “when In Rome” - why not see Dame Edna, arguably the most famous cross-dressing performer in the world? First, we both enjoy her/his comedy, and the chance to see an icon in the historic Post Street Theatre just sweetened the pot.

We did wonder if a full show might be a bit much, but those concerns were quickly thrown out the metaphorical window – Barry Humphries, aka Dame Edna started the show with a mockumentary video, alleging a dark side of the Dame. When he/she arrived on stage, it was hilarious from the get-go – plenty of planned routines, but loads of interaction with the audience as well, allowing Edna to berate and heckle her own audience. All good-naturedly, but funny as hell.

She put on a lengthy show as well, over two hours with a brief intermission. Too many highlights to list, but a second-half “pilot” talk show with “real people” from the audience was quite the vehicle for Edna’s humour, as well as an audience participation segment with fresh gladiolas that had been tossed into the audience. Really, you had to be there. We’re glad we were…

San Francisco 08 – Day Five

Our day started with breakfast at the retro-diner Johnny Rockets. Quite a view of the bay and Alcatraz, whilst we digested our eggs and toast. Made me wonder if the inmates had as good a view of Johnny Rockets.

From brekkie, we set off for Pier 39, the third-most popular destination in America after Disneyland and Disney World. We were looking for the resident sea lions, and it didn’t take long for us to both hear them, and then see them. Lazy buggers, all they do is lounge on the pier. Not a one of them was juggling a ball on his nose, or clapping – just as sedentary as couch pillows. We still took a few pictures though, just to say we saw them.

We wandered up from Pier 39 to Boudin Bakery, to watch them make fresh sourdough bread. In the shape of alligators, crabs, and even a Canadian Maple Leaf – probably because they had heard we were in town. That was awfully nice of them.

From the bakery, we finally took a ride on one of the famed cable cars, a mode of transportation as efficient as Fred Flintstone’s jalopy. It’s something you have to do when you’re in San Francisco, but between being jammed in like sardines, and moving as slow as an oak tree migrating to Bemidji - I won't rush to do so again. Happily, we did make it in time for our show (reviewed above, in case you’ve already forgotten).

We ended the day by having dinner at Fisherman’s Pizza, a concept that in my many years of sport fishing I had never once considered trying to land – a mushroom pizza. You learn something new every day…

On a side note, the bonk I took to my forehead early on in this vacation left three distinct marks. A dash, and two dots. I wondered what that might mean in morse code, and was flabbergasted to learn that dash dot dot stands for “D”, as in Delta Echo Charlie. I somehow managed to temporarily tattoo my own initial on my forehead.

This folks, is my life. Please send your sympathies to Mrs. That Dan Guy.

Chow(der) for now(der)!!

There is no hope of loading any photos with this haphazard internet connection, so I have officially given up trying. Ugh…

NOTE: Charlie has the weekend off, hopefully he can return next week – I think he’s a little stressed over the impending holiday…

San Francisco 08 – Day Four

Wow!

We are squeezing every conceivable drop out of this visit to The City By The Bay! Yesterday, we got ready a little later than we had hoped, and when we finally headed out the door, we stumbled upon a local restaurant that was quite a surprise. I think they called it “IHOP”. Reasonable meal, decent prices – they should consider expanding these restaurants outside of San Fran – I think they could gain some popularity outside the city.

After our Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity breakfast (come on, that has a chance of becoming as popular as The Big Mac!!), we took advantage of the last day of our Hop On/Hop Off bus pass, and headed into Union Square, where the humungous Macy’s store has a skating rink set up outside, directly across the street. A rather slushy rink considering the temperatures, but a rink nonetheless – it looked positively seasonal. Just over at one end of the rink is a painted heart, painted by Tony Bennett, no less! It is across from the Chancellor Hotel, the first place he sang “I Left My Heart In San Francisco”, and the rest, as they say, has been history. The hotel is also famous as the place where Al Jolson shuffled off of this mortal coil – no word on any song he may have sang prior to that.

We also checked out the Apple Store behind Macy’s – purely investigative. Fairly close to the prices back at home, so I don’t think Mac will be under my Christmas tree this year. Maybe later…

By the way, San Francisco is also where MacWorld is held, CEO Steve Jobs will NOT be here. Mac trivia, even on holidays. (The brand is calling my name, and soon I must answer.)

Leaving Macy’s, we hopped on just as our tickets were expiring, and managed to catch the one tour we hadn’t been able to take so far – The Golden Gate Park loop, which also included Japantown (an incredible, picturesque area of Victorian-era homes), the GG park (even more picturesque), Haight Ashbury (the hippie-filled area famous for the “summer of love” back in the 60’s – also a goldmine location of 60’s rock music, including The Grateful Dead among many more) – and finally, Postcard Row, the most picturesque of all on this tour. It is also where scenes from the old hit TV show Full House were shot. Man, did that bring back memories. I still can’t stand the actor that played Joey.

Our education here has been eye-opening. So many things got their start here – The Gap, Levi Jeans, Folgers Coffee, the term “sugar daddy”. We even saw the housing complex where Patty Hearst was kept when she was kidnapped decades ago, and the bank that she robbed while under the sway of her kidnappers. This city is loaded to the brim with history.

Speaking of brim, after a stop at Ghirardelli’s Chocolates, we had dinner at the Buena Vista, famous as the first U.S. bar to introduce Irish Coffee, and it is a spectacular coffee that they serve. Just seeing them make the product is a show in and of itself – drinking it is just plain sinful. I had to control my “ooohs” and “ahhhs”, but many did get out.

We met a terrific couple from Houston there, who dined with us. Made the experience even more memorable. They shared stories of their own travels, and had some great recollections of New Orleans and three hurricanes that they dodged or were affected by. A very nice way to wind down the evening.

Today, we are in search of sea lions, and our first cable car ride, if you can believe it.

Chow(der) for Now(der)!!

Once again, no picture able to load – how I love crappy, unreliable service, even if it is complimentary…

San Francisco 08 – Day Three

OK, technically this is Day Four (we arrived late the first day, so we haven’t been including it) – which has no bearing on anything, but I felt it had to be mentioned…

Yesterday we hopped on the Hop On/Hop Off tour bus, and made our way into Chinatown. We had a pretty decent Chinatown when we lived in Winnipeg, and Calgary has a very impressive area. But San Francisco, well let me tell you, sister – is unreal! I had hoped to post a few images to convey some of the flavour, but thanks to this crappy internet in our room, I am hopelessly unable to. Let’s just say that we walked for three and a half hours, when combined with Little Italy – it’s a fairly sprawling, robust and eye-popping neighbourhood.

When we arrived at the ornate gate that leads into Chinatown, we wanted to grab a bite to eat. But nature was vigorously calling collect, so we stepped into the first restaurant we spotted – a French one, Café de la Presse. Pretty darn good itself.

During our stroll of Little Italy, we stopped in at Francis Ford Coppola’s Café Zoetrope, a history-laden bistro with ties to The Godfather, and more. We had a glass of wine, soaked in the ambience, and purchased a Director’s Cut Chardonnay to bring home. We were all a-tingle, but I think that may have been the vino…

After our tour of these charming areas of San Fran, we hopped back on the Hop On/Hop Off, and returned to our room, to kill some time before we got back on, to do the Night Tour. This was a chance to see the city aglow in the holiday lights, or just generally aglow. The weather, continuing to be unseasonably cold, had also brought forecasts of a major rainstorm, which happily held off until we had completed the tour of San Fran, at night – very enjoyable.

Our evening concluded at Joe’s Crab Shack, on Fisherman’s Wharf. We seem to be dining here every night, but it has been absolutely heavenly each and every time. We split a bucket of crab, and garlicky mussels – beyond description - we chawed on those crab shells like vultures on roadkill.

OK, that may not be the prettiest picture I could have painted for a delicious serving of succulent seafood, but we really did gnaw on those crab like we were being sent away to Alcatraz for 20-To-Life. I may never be able to take Seafood Night at TGI Friday’s seriously again…

Chow(der) for Now(der)!!

(No picture today - thank you hotel internet!!)

San Francisco ’08 – Day Two

Well, the internet connection here in our room is spotty at best. Honestly, it’s a flippin’ Dalmatian. It suggests that the connection is “excellent”, but you can’t seem to do anything with it. Picture loading is damn-near impossible. Great way to start your day…

Hotel Safety Tip #1: Do not open the doors to the TV cabinet, and then root around for something in the drawers below, without remembering that you have open doors right above your head. When you go to lift your head, there is every likelihood that you will meet (with great force) one of those open doors, resulting in one grand goose egg, which will play a starring role in the rest of your holiday pictures.

Oy…

Yesterday was one full day of activities. We had prearranged tickets to tour Alcatraz, plus two days on the Hop On/Hop Off sightseeing bus, which runs around most of the neighbourhoods of San Fran.

Alcatraz was something else – and before I forget, the bridge we drove under upon our arrival from the airport was the Bay Bridge, NOT the Golden Gate Bridge, which is clear across town. Hey, you see one bridge…

Alcatraz – there is one freaky sight to see. We did the whole meal deal, touring with the audio presentation. Hard to imagine life inside this cold, gruesome facility. I don’t think Elvis could have made Jailhouse Rock appear so appealing, from inside this joint.

On the odder side, the first set of cells we were drawn to were Cells # 110, and 112. Noticeably absent? Cell # 111!! Which we did find shortly thereafter, but this freakin’ number set continues to creep into my life, even in creepy places now! Aye Caramba!!

The Alcatraz jaunt afforded us spectacular views of the city while on the cruise there and back, AND the actual Golden Gate Bridge. We followed up the tour with lunch at Johnny Rockets, a 50’s style diner (also in West Edmonton Mall, last time we were there, BTW…), a far cheerier place than The Rock.

From lunch, we hopped on the tour bus, and embarked on a round-trip tour of San Fran. We drove through downtown, seeing Union Square, China Town Little Italy, and more – this is one diverse burg! Loads of trivia from the guide, about scenes that were shot here from Dirty Harry movies, and The Godfather, just to name a few. We’ll be spending more time in those areas today, even though the weather forecast isn’t so hot. It is, indeed, a cold snap, with snow hitting the ground in surrounding areas, but hopefully not here. Sheesh – how far away from Canada do you have to go??

The tour also took us right across the spectacular Golden Gate Bridge, and over to View Point, for even more spectacular photo opportunities, which I may or may not be able to share with you, thanks to this crappy internet situation. Ugh… Oh yeah, and a leisurely drive through The Presidio, also remarkable.

We ended our evening on the Wharf, at Tarantino’s. Fantastic views of sailboats decorated for Christmas, at rest in the harbour, and amazing seafood offerings on the menu. We needed a trolley to roll our way out the door – dee-licious!!!!

Better, run, we have more explorin’ to do today!

Chow(der) for now(der)!!

Today’s column is online. Check out Santa’s Blog at:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=153494

San Francisco ‘08 – Day One

Yesterday was our first full day in San Fran, so we decided to check out our immediate neighbourhood. It was also the start of some pretty chilly winter weather that rolled in, so our escape from Canada, which we were snickering about just the day before, was somewhat thwarted. We actually had to buy heavier jackets, and dig out our ear muffs and gloves. So much for “sunny California”… Oh well, at least it isn’t -50!!!!!

We pretty much walked up and down Fisherman’s Wharf yesterday, checking out the various piers. Pier 39. Pier 33. Pier Pressure. There are piers and piers and piers for as far as the eye can see. Or peer...

We did snap a whack of pictures, which I will try and post in a photo-share, although the internet in our room is proving a bit spotty.

Among our varied stops was the Hard Rock Café, for lunch. Quite the history lesson there, what with the proximity to Haight Ashbury, and the 60’s psychedelic music scene. The Grateful Dead, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix all have memorabilia on display, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We thought about trying some brownies for dessert, but decided we didn’t want to take any chances.

Along the walk, I got bush-whacked. I had been warned to avoid the Bushman, but like our trip earlier this year to New Orleans, I managed to immediately break all those records for avoiding certain scams and tourist tags, by getting startled by the Bushman early in the afternoon. For those unaware, the Bushman, hold branches in front of himself, then pops out to scare tourists. You are then required to contribute to his "fundraising efforts".
Oy…

Then, just a few moments later, I was hit up by a group of enterprising morons that wanted to shine my running shoes – the exact same scam that I fell for Day One in New Orleans. It was about that time that I asked Mrs. That Dan Guy to check my back for some sort of sign indicating my stupidity.

Along the way, we snapped remote pictures of Alcatraz, and a very distant Golden Gate bridge. We made our way to The Cannery, and the very unique Musee Mecanique – a building filled with vintage games and carnival attractions – all in working order. Tres cool!

We even caught a commercial for a Nickelback concert – a popular rock band from our province of Alberta – Canada remains on our periphery…

Just a couple of brief observations before we sign off for today:

1) San Francisco sourdough is about as close to heaven as I have ever been – YOWZA!!

2) The trolleys may be a charming local attraction, and famous around the world, but when they roll by under your hotel room window at night while you’re trying to sleep, they sound like about eleven dumpsters welded together, with the wheels taken off, being dragged leisurely along a gigantic iron cheese grater. Or, for my Canadian readers, it sounds like an 8,000 pound curling rock being slid along a corrugated tin roof. Have these people never heard of lubrication??

Chow for now!!

Well, it’s holiday time for the That Dan Guys, so these blogs will be pretty unpredictable as to posting times, for the next two weeks.

So, we hopped into a cab in Calgary yesterday morning, where the temperature was -40ºC, with the wind chill. Even Jack Frost was making travel arrangements – nobody needs to be that freakin’ cold!!

We landed in beautiful…SAN FRANCISCO, where the weather was actually on the plus side of the thermometer – a balmy +50ºF – which was kind-of funny, because everyone we met was griping about how cold it was. To us, it was like lying on a lawn chair in an Easy Bake Oven. Which, I realize would be kind-of tough unless we were leprechauns, but I’ve only had one cup of coffee this morning – so sue me!!

We are staying in the Fisherman’s Wharf area, so our drive from the airport to the hotel took us right under the famed Golden Gate Bridge. It was already pretty dark out by the time we settled in, so we opted to take a walk in the immediate area, and grab a bite to eat. It was also rainy, so even though we were baking in the California heat, we wore windbreakers. We stood out as tourists as we passed locals wearing – and I’m not kidding here – heavy coats, scarves and mittens. It was a little reminder of Canada, where when last we looked, even the ice cubes were wearing flannel blankets…

This is our first-ever trip to San Fran, so we were a little worried that we should have worn flowers in our hair. But nobody else seemed to be, so we got over that faux pas pretty quickly.

I’m also pretty sure we won’t leave our harps in San Francisco either, because neither one of us owns one.

Finally, we expected many places to eat with Rice-A-Roni on the menu, but all we seemed to find were seafood restaurants. We chose one from the staggering many, and had some awesome fresh crab cakes, clam chowder (Aye Caramba – spectacular), and fish. Due to the rain, we ate inside, but there were loads of options to eat fresh crab right on the walk way. Well, not right ON the walk way, but you probably already knew that, smarty-pants!

Well, we need more coffee, and maybe some breakfast. I’ll sign off for now, but keep the updates coming as the days go by.

Chow for now!!

Aye Caramba!!!!!!

-40ºCelsius with the wind chill!! It has to be warmer at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean, than it is in our backyard right now!!

Not that I plan on going into our yard anytime soon, but if I WERE, it would be colder than a mackerel at Captain Highliner’s frozen fish factory… Fo-Shizzle!!

Man, days like this are the reason Canada is so big, yet so under-populated. Even for a nation of hockey lovers, there are times when you start to think that sitting on the Equator might not be such a bad option. Even sitting on an element of our stove sounds pretty good right about now…

It’s so cold outside, even the sun is wearing a scarf.

It’s so cold outside, the pine trees are pining for heat.

It’s so cold outside, me timbers arrr shivered, and it ain’t even pirate season yet!!

BRRRR……..

Chow for now!!

For some strange reason, we appear to have woken up much earlier than normal, for a Sunday morning. Considering that it’s -29º Celsius outside, I can’t imagine why ANYONE would want to get out of bed!! And yet, we have.

After griping about a few minor skiffs of snow the last few months, we got it good the other day. Had to shovel our way out together yesterday morning, but even though it was just as cold then as it is today, we decided to take a little walk in the cold, fresh snow. It was actually pretty decent. Although, when the wind hit exposed spots on your face, you could actually hear the skin molecules pop like champagne bubbles. One of my cheeks looks like I’m wearing a saggy old sock on it – I sure hope THAT clears up quick!!

This morning, it has remained just as bitterly cold, and there was another light dusting of the white stuff. I may not even bother brushing it off, but we’ll see – if cabin fever sets in, I just may venture out, and see if I can get the other cheek to match the saggy one…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Howdy, humans!

The chickens are just decoratin’ the ole coop – ta get inta the Xmas spirit. The big day is comin’, so it was high time we got our act together.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Not that the little cluckers are all that useful. Unless you include eatin ‘tinsel and chewin’ on ornaments as participatin’…

As for Hen Rietta, well, if ya happen to be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue judge, for the love of Pete, tell ‘er she ain’t got a chance, and mebbe we can all get on with our lives here!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

What a dingbat!!

As for ole Cornelius, well…what can I say? Ya run into too much chicken fencin’ as a young chick, and yer head gets a bit scrambled. Ya gotta love him, but he’s just a big galoot.

So, as ya musta surmised, I’M the decoratin’ committee, tryin’ to herd these wayward poultry-pinfeathers inta some semblance a organized decoratin’. Give me strength...

That’s just one of the reasons The Great Chicken invented Scotch…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

“Deck the halls with balls of corn feed, Fa-La-La-La-La, La-La-La-LAH!!!!!”

Oh well, as long as we’re havin’ a good time – there are still quite a few days before Santa comes, and flies over what could look like an explosion at the pine tree forest.

Hopefully we can get this crap under control, before I start addin’ vodka to the mix…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

Hoo-hoo!

12 12 08!

Two twelves, side by side, starting out the day together. What sort of trouble will those little rascals get into???

We are supposed to become gripped in the icy chill of a typical Canadian winter starting today. Temperatures of -17ºC and even lower, which is much like the shady side of the moon. Even penguins wear their parkas when it gets this cold outside.

So far, we’ve had nominal snowfall, and relatively mild temperatures up until this part of our winter season. Well, mild for hardy Canadians – toughened by a love for ice hockey and strong beer. In the Such Is Life household, we’re toughened more by a love for pretzels, and ice cappuccinos.

The clock is counting down to our winter holiday – we will depart the frostbitten vistas of our snow-covered land, and head towards friendlier climes. Hey, we may choose to live here, but nobody said we had to stick around when the thermometer plunges!! That’s why God invented airplanes, Mrs. That Dan Guy always says…

Chow for now!!

Ha Ha Ha!!

This is a sign I recently noticed, posted in a washroom where someone obviously gets ready for their day in the early morning hours. It would appear by the exaggerated warning that this person must use copious amounts of hairspray, which has prompted this notice to be posted.

Frankly, between you and me, this sort of thing happens here in the Such Is Life household as well. Every morning, Mrs. That Dan Guy spritzes, sprays, and shellacs her wayward strands into submission, so that they will withstand a gale force wind, or at least remain orderly for the time she spends in her workplace.

To be honest, small birds have landed in there, and never been seen again. I swear!

However, I would never be so crass as to post a sign like some poor sap did for this other individual – that would just be like poking a stick into a bee-hive.

I’m far too smart to be risking my life with that sort of tomfoolery…

Chow for now!

There’s a series of action movies that lately seem to be going straight to DVD, but they’re ones that Mrs. That Dan Guy and I really enjoy. They are The Librarian series, starring Noah Wyle, Bob Newhart, and Jane Curtin – sort-of Indiana Jones with a bit more fantasy added in.

The latest, subtitled The Judas Chalice had scenes shot in New Orleans, or at least stock footage from there that was inserted into the film. Particularly freaky in that discovery were the amount of shots that corresponded with photos taken while WE were in New Orleans – including one shot (of many) that we recently had developed to put on our travel wall – this one in particular featuring a smiling MTDG in front of the very same spot shown in the footage.

We loooooved New Orleans.

And we loved Boston too – which we always scan when watching Boston Legal, for the landmark shots they show on that soon to sadly-be-missed TV drama/comedy. There’s one building they always seem to show – I think it’s the old City Hall or something civic like that – it's an older building with loads of ornate gold on the roof dome. We get damn-near giddy whenever we see that stuff…

Ah yes, we are truly weirdos – read about more of our insanity in today’s newspaper column, which just happens to be online yet again:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=152176

Chow for now!!

The Tuesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” concert review – Sarah Brightman.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional concert reviewer…)

I will admit right at the outset today that despite the stature of Ms. Brightman, this was one concert both Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were feeling a bit mixed about. There’s no question – she’s a superstar, and when the show was announced, I felt that we should definitely see her performance.

But in the grand scheme of things, Sarah Brightman is a bit…how can I say this…

Out there??

Her swelling and grand New Age music pieces generally leave us indifferent, but her voice, well…wow. She can hit the notes in places where most singers wouldn’t even know where to look. And, she’s most famous for her role in The Phantom Of The Opera, a musical we still can’t get out of our heads, almost 20 years after seeing it staged.

Anyhow, there’s a point here somewhere – we were going into our last concert of the year (on Canadian soil) with some trepidation. And our smaller, crappier camera.

The stage featured a unique trio of large and imposing columns, which turned out to be mobile, but fit together they served as a see-through screen for the projections that displayed there throughout the concert. Very innovative – we've never seen anything like it before.

Now, I did mention that Brightman’s non-theatre catalogue features a lot of New Age-y, over-the-top stuff in the vein of Enya and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. To backdrop that, the projections featured lots of imagery that wouldn’t be at all out of context on a Meatloaf album cover. Dark grottos, ancient structures, and faerie wonderlands. As a matter of fact, you couldn’t help thinking after the first song or two that maybe this was exactly the sort-of stuff that pixies, elves, faeries, gnomes and even hobbits listen to, after a hard day of doing whatever those beings might do. Very mystical stuff.

It was, truth be told, one of the most elaborately staged shows we ever seen, and we have seen many of the major divas – Celine, Cher, Diana, and even Bette’s new Vegas revue – all mild by comparison. There were (throughout the 2-hour show) more special effects than you’d expect out of a Hollywood epic. There was the aforementioned Phantom Of The Opera set, an elaborate Alice In Wonderland sequence, a song with Brightman as Little Red Riding Hood on a bicycle, and the pictured song, where she swung over the crowd like a mesmerizing Southern belle, as rose petals fell over the crowd.

We saw snowfall, and winter settings. We saw Nutcracker soldiers, and Asian influences. There was, and I’m not kidding – a musical in a water setting.

We heard her hit notes that brushed at the rafters, many in languages that may have been human in origin. She’s proficient at singing in several languages.

There were a few highlights, especially the Phantom piece, and a couple of the traditional opera pieces made popular in recent years by similar (but far more restrained) performers. She exceeded both of our expectations, and this show will go down as one tough bird to top.

On a side note, it was about this time of year we saw Phantom in one of the five major cities worldwide, where it had been running. We caught it in L.A. - and while we were there we took side trips out to Pasadena to see another smaller play, and even ventured out to see the beautiful Glory Of Christmas, at the famous Crystal Cathedral in Orange County. It was a magical time, of its own.

It’s about time we get back out to California…

Chow for now!!

Well, we are totally buried up to our necks in winter now. We had about 20 centimetres fall yesterday, throughout the day. That’s just under 21 centimetres, for anyone out there that doesn’t understand the metric system. I would be one of those people…

We shovelled the driveway together before dinner, and then Mrs. That Dan Guy and I took a walk in the fresh snow. Some of which was piled higher in areas where lazy bastards didn’t bother to shovel. My attorney will be in touch with them later today…

But it was nice, with the snow reflecting the light of the moon (or maybe it was street lights – the moon gets a little lost in an overcast sky). Most of the homes in our neighbourhood are decorated for Christmas, which also made for a welcoming walk through the snow. There’s just something heart-warming about rope-light reindeer, nodding their wire-framed heads under a cover of fresh snow. I don’t know how coyotes tell the fake ones from the real ones!!

Some poor sap must have been told to get his behind out of his La-Z-Boy, and get the Christmas lights up, because he was struggling to string decorations in the middle of the snowfest. You have to have a little sympathy for the (fellow) procrastinators out there. There’s always so much to be done at this time of year, and so much good television to prevent you from doing it.

Speaking of good television, don’t anybody try and bother us tonight. We’ve got the two-hour series finale of Boston Legal tonight, the best darn show left on network TV. Well, the best darn show until it finishes up tonight. Oh, I suppose you star-dancing, adolescent Idol, Survivor fans out there would beg to disagree, but give me a good old-fashioned show with a plot any day of the week. Boston Legal will be sorely missed in the Such Is Life household, that’s for darn sure!!

Much like my Phillips screwdriver, which I haven’t seen for about a week now…

Chow for now!!

My Winston Canadian Dictionary (1974 - note to self – find out if newer dictionaries may be available…) defines “vista” as:

“a long, narrow view”

“a mental view of a series of events”.

Funny – the exact same things could be said about Windows Vista.

Let’s take “a long, narrow view”. Amen brothers and sisters, amen. A long and narrow view of what personal computers could and should be. A view that just because something says “Windows”, we the sheep should bow down and submit to regular meat-grindings of our mental well-being, as “Vista” churns our Happy Place into so much high-fat whipped butter.

After regular applications of Vista, you will often find yourself muttering to yourself, whilst trying to find your Happy Place, chanting “I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Butter”…

It is butter my friend – it is absolutely butter…

Then there’s the telling description “a mental view of a series of events”.

While it is no longer appropriate to use that word which I won’t repeat again, it is indeed a politically incorrect summary of any series of events as applied in a Vista operating system. Pick your events – word processing, printing, even Spell-Checking – you may as well be trying to passionately embrace a porcupine. Not that anyone other than another porcupine would realistically find themselves trying to passionately embrace a porcupine, I just use that sort of desperate language to stress my point, as to the insanity of embracing Vista.

You know, it dawns on me just now that if I were living in Russia, and the creator of Windows OS was Billniet Gateski, I just might awaken late one evening, as cloaked men wrestled me out of bed, and dragged me off to Siberia, to work in a Windows Vista fabrication factory.

God Bless North America!!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Oooooh…..


Uhhhhhhhh…….

Let’s keep it down today, can we, my skin-covered mammaly amigos??

Ole Charlie had hiz office Christmas party last night, and he got hiz ole beak a lil’ bent.

BUK……

OK, so technically I don’t have an office that would have had a Christmas party last night, but whoever’s party I ended up at, was quite a doozy. I have a dim memory of security guards taking way my hula hoop, before I got stuffed inta a cab. Oh, my frazzled feathers….

BUK…

Holy cluck, is there a marchin’ band in my bedroom this mornin’?? I’m pretty sure I hear drums thumpin’ somewhere…

Hey!! Where’s my suit jacket and tie? How did I end up wearin’ a Xmas decoration? And how is it even possible that I’d have a FULL bottle of Crown Royal beside me??

Mebbe I’m still dreamin’?? I bet if I pinch myself, I’ll wake up beside that cute chick that I was chattin’ up at the party. Although, the more I think about it, that could have been a poster in the can, advertisin’ breath mints. Man, my brain is fuzzy…

BUK…

Whoa! Hey, when did this bed end up on a boat?? Who’s rockin’ the bed!! Who’s rockin’ the bed, I say I say boy!!!

I think I hasta excuse myself, boys and girls – I feel a little guacamole makin’ a run for the border, if ya catch my drift…

Cluck for now!

Hi, my name is Dan, and I’m a Vista user…

(HI DAN!!!!)

Like yourselves, I was foolish enough to upgrade my computer, but I decided to go with Windows Vista, not even adding it to a default base of Windows XP.

(Audible sounds including assent, tsk-tsking, and a couple of groans)

I thought that when I bought a new computer, my Windows ME problems would be behind me, but I hadn’t considered the problems I might face with realistically an untested operating system. Oh, if I could only turn back the hands of time!!

(Sympathetic applause)

I knew that I was in trouble early on, when the computer started to exhibit quirks that I had never seen before – like an e-mail program that wasn’t bright enough to actually send or receive mail!

(Scattered laughter)

No, seriously – the early version of Windows Mail replaced all the features of Outlook with separate programs, that not only didn’t synchronize with my Blackberry, they didn’t synchronize with themselves!! If they held a family reunion, Windows Mail components would need to wear nametags!!

(Stronger laughter – momentum building with audience…)

Then there were the compatibility issues - I couldn’t use my new wireless keyboard and mouse, which were both certified to “Work With Windows Vista”. Yeah right, not even Windows works – with Windows VISTA!!! Am I right, people???

(Burst of hearty applause, several hoots of approval.)

I know I just have to walk away, but it’s hard. I’ve spent a year trying to make this relationship work. But I get nothing back – that sullen set of wires and lights continues to betray me. Mock me. Tease me, but not in a sexy, enjoyable sort of way…

(Sparse nervous tittering)

My friends here at Vista Anonymous, I ask for your support, as I cope with this evil temptation. I know that I can’t stay, but I have to be strong until I can. There is a light – a bright shiny light that gives me the strength to keep going. Until that day, let me just once have a week go by without error messages and blue screen crashes. Just one week without having to reinstall software that I’ve installed umpteen dozen times before.

Just let me have one week where I can take my eyes off of this computerized aberration of nature, without fearing that it has taken incompetence TO A NEW LEVEL!!!!!!

(Rapturous applause, building to a standing ovation)

Thank you, my name is Dan, and I’m a Vista user…

(Chow for now!)

Whoa!

Yesterday was Blog # 1011 - there's those wacky 1's again!!!

************************************************************

How does that famous prayer for patience go??

I think it’s:

“God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to rest easy, as a Mac will soon deliver us from the evil and patent uselessness that is Windows Vista…”

It’s not going to take courage to change the things that should be changed – it’s going to take time. Time to get past our winter holiday, and rebuild the Mac fund that has been diverted to that trip. Time to transfer my files (should they survive this computer being hurled with much zeal at a brick wall) to a Mac computer, which will open its arms to the struggling data, smiling at it with a warm glow – a showing of hope that my computing future will one day allow me to start a computer, and NOT have every freakin’ file conflict with a cursed operating system.

Today (and yesterday), my printer software is no longer recognized by this demon spawn operating system. I’ve only had to reinstall it at least a dozen times since I brought this thing home. Tomorrow, it will likely work just fine, as its low IQ will not remember that it had conflicts just the day before. Vista is like Windows XP, with severe head trauma. No, I’m sorry – that gives it too much credit. It’s like a sack of potatoes, with severe head trauma.

I must be a sadist though, as I continue to allow this thing to drive me further and further into my own mental abyss. Oh well, it was a short drive, with lovely scenery along the way…

Chow for now!

It must be good to be a goose.

Geese appear to have it pretty easy, in the general scheme of things. Whenever I drive by a gang (or whatever a collection of them may be called), they are invariably chewing on grass, or sitting under a shady tree – often when there’s not even any measureable sun visible in the sky.

They can poop wherever they want to poop, and they don’t have to clean it up. Sometimes, it even appears that they are pecking away at grass that is literally carpeted in goose poop. THAT may not be such an appealing attribute, I will admit…

But aside from eating around their own droppings, I still maintain that geese have got it pretty good. Most now are soooooo lazy they don’t even go south for the winter anymore. They stay here in Canada, and just huddle together for warmth on colder days. Some check into the Holiday Inn.

That’s either an indictment of global warming failures in general, or an indication that geese may have a pretty good union, when it pertains to how much energy they have to expend at any given time…

Hey, my newspaper column is online again! Check it out at:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=150897

Chow for now!!

After flirting with winter for weeks, we finally had our first substantial snowfall overnight. And the white stuff is still coming down, which must be making it awfully difficult for Mrs. That Dan Guy to keep the walk shovelled as she goes, right now. I’ll have to put on some hot cocoa for afterwards…

TOTALLY KIDDING!! She’s in the bathroom, just embarking on her three-hour get-ready-for-work routine, involving regimens related to hair, makeup, dental maintenance, clothing, and varied placing sprays. Don’t ask – but it is a thing of wonder to behold…

Me, I’ll lounge around here for the next few hours, drinking coffee, watching TV, and pondering how it ever took so long for "So You Think You Can Dance Canada" to get developed for TV.

Then, I’ll comb over my hair sprigs with my hand, brush my tooth, and throw on whatever I was wearing all this week so far – hey, it’s not like we’re at midweek here – the clothes don’t even need to pass a sniff test yet!!

Once I’ve driven her to work, I’ll come back here to home base, and get into the grind that is my daily routine: napping and drinking coffee, with occasional visits to my favourite websites. When the muse strikes, I’ll write for about 20 minutes or so.

But today I may have to toss in a bit of shovelling….

Ugh…

Chow for now!!

Egads!!

December 1st…this 2008 calendar year is pretty much done like dinner – we’re just sliding into home plate, with winter chasing in hot pursuit. Stick a fork in the year – it’s dang-near done!!!

OK, technically you could argue that there are still 31 days left in the year, and by that standard alone the year is far from over. But, let’s be serious here (HA!!) – with seasonal holidays, slacking around heading into the year-end slowdown, and overall general dismay over the finale couple of episodes of Boston Legal, how much are we REALLY going to get done before 2009??

I for one at least have pretty much surrendered to the siren song of The Price Is Right, and frittering away hours on my Etch-A-Sketch board (I’ve pretty much got squares nailed, and currently I’m learning how to make rectangles). Where will I find the time to accomplish ANYTHING, against those commitments??

I suppose I could start to clean up this office workspace of mine, which on any given day looks like I’ve had a family of orang-utans searching throughout it for a copy of any one of the Clint Eastwood “Every Which Way But Loose” movies.

Ah, there’s always the new year for ambitious projects like that….

Chow for now!!

Scrambled Dregs

For several years now I’ve had regular “Random Thoughts” newspaper columns run throughout the year, where I just put together a few stray thoughts that aren’t long enough to be dedicated to a full column on their own. Yes, you’re right – it’s a dream come true for the writer that doesn’t want to expend ALL of his energy to his work, when there is so much to enjoy on daytime TV.

To utilize that terrific concept here, and recognizing that I typically do this task just before breakfast (yes, you’re right – we are TOTALLY lazy on the weekends, here in the Such Is Life household), I present to you today the first-ever instalment of “Scrambled Dregs”:

* I probably wouldn’t mind getting a lump of coal for Christmas, if it had an Apple Logo on it…

* What do you call a hairstyle where you have part Mohawk, part Mullet, but with a big bald spot in the back, between the two? Just curious, I was trying to picture that on myself last night…

* You always hear about “news anchors”, but never once when you’re watching the news do you see an actual “anchor”…

* Whenever Mrs. That Dan Guy isn’t looking, I run with scissors…

* Are crackers crackers?? (NOTE: - I never said these things were all that GOOD…)

Well, that’s about all I’ve got for this morning. I may just do a few more of these things, in upcoming days and weeks.

That is, unless someone out there is willing to pay me…oh, let’s say $25,000,000 US, to not. That’s just a figure I’ve randomly picked out of the air. It’s technically not extortion unless I’m holding something to value…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(Guest-starring Cornelius The Delusional…)

Fear not, mortal humans, it is I – Super-Chicken!!

CLUCK!!!!

I am coming to the rescue of civilization, in the wake of reading about the death of my old buddy, Batman. From what I understand, DC Comics has recently killed off the Caped Crusader, leaving Gotham City at the mercy of the unwashed criminal elements. That, my hair-covered friends, is wrong!

CLUCK!!!!

So, I have prepared myself for the road ahead. I am flying down to Gotham City later this morning, after I’ve had a serving of oatmeal for breakfast. I’ll also have to ensure that Charlie and the little cluckers have enough supplies to keep them in good stead, during my absence. Hen Rietta, I don’t worry about – that’s one tough chick…

CLUCK!!!!

As Super-Chicken, my feats of crime fighting have been rather insignificant. I have chased my share of foxes out of henhouses, and I did manage to crack the case of the buffalo chicken wings a few years back (Not real buffalo. I’m not sure it’s even real chicken wings, but that’s just me…). So, the question now is, how will I hold my own against big-name criminals like The Joker, The Riddler, and The Penguin??

CLUCK ME!!!!

Well, let’s take the first one. How bad could a Joker be? I’ve done some stand-up comedy in my day, so we’ll just have to see how my “Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road” material stands up against this character.

As for a Riddler – I love trivia!! What kind of threat is a guy that just asks questions?? Unless, that name is something he does to a body with bullets…

CLUCKIN” HELL!!!!

Now, The Penguin – there’s a guy that I can talk to bird-o-a-bird-o. Birds of a feather, I say. We should be able to come to some sort of agreement, starting off on a mutual nesting ground. He may not be poultry, but I’ve seen some pretty small penguins in my day. I’ll bet I can take on a little waddler.

So, there you have it, folks. Citizens of Gotham City, fear not! Cornelius is coming to keep you safe. Now, I just have to make sure my GPS gets me to the right Gotham City…

Cluck for now!!

I’m typing about as fast as my husky little fingers can go, in mortal fear of this cursed computer crashing, like it did yesterday morning, mid-blog.

Prior to yesterday, and two different technical expert consultations ago, the computer would crash quite reliably – right after everything had loaded, and my wireless internet connection had indicated I could finally begin my day. Ha-Ha! Psych!! El-Crash-O would arrive at that exact moment, with his cape sweeping behind him in the wind, and my next sight would be a blue screen error message – as my day became much less certain of anything other than blood pressure numbers rocketed skyward.

Now, the insidious little booger is allowing a few things to transpire, before I am abruptly stopped in my tracks by the old blue screen, and aching emptiness afterwards.

How exactly did Windows ever become the predominant computer operating system, I ask? I mean seriously – even before Windows Vista (pa-tooey), other versions of this blight on mankind sucked the big potato as well, until a selection of the wrinkles had been ironed out (which coincidentally typically happens just before the launch of the next great version of the this OS).

Ah, but I’m just venting here – I know that sometime early in the new year, after our Christmas holiday, I will soon caress the keys of a slick and reliable Mac computer. I will wonder how I ever lived through these trying times, but discover through this ordeal that deep within myself, I had the fortitude of David facing Goliath.

In this modern remake of the story, David would be asked repeatedly to supplement the loincloth, and maybe try combing over his bald spot, and Goliath would be an over-sized Silicon Valley geek with a pencil protector in his pocket. He would bear an uncanny resemblance to Bill Gates, but with horns, hoofs, and a pitchfork. I believe the story would be as inspiring now, as it was originally.

Although, if David had bought his own new computer a bit sooner, he could have saved himself the hassle of farting around with a slingshot, out in an open field. These are the niggly little details that diminish the effect of good drama…

Chow for now!!

Wow!

November 27th already – where does the time go??

Probably into one of those giant hourglasses, like on that old TV soap opera. But, where does the time go after it settles into the bottom of that thing? Does someone have to come along every few decades, and vacuum it out??

I’d like to muse about this a bit longer, but thanks to Vista crashing my computer since I started to post this, I’ll just have to give you a link to yesterday’s column:

http://eventpub.com/stories.php?id=149719

Now, I must go stab myself in the head with a fork…

Chow for now…

Wednesday.

Middle of the week.

Hump day, as it is referred to on occasion.

None of the cachet of Manic Monday, or even Freaky Friday. But an important day of the week, nonetheless…

On a Wednesday morning, you are just 48 hours away from Friday, and the end of the average person’s work week. You’ve managed to put 48 hours of distance between your week and Monday morning, the much abhorred start of a work week.

More abhorred if you’ve just partied your face off all weekend because your hometown Calgary Stampeders have won the Grey Cup, and reign supreme in the sporting world, but I digress…

What does Tuesday have to offer? A filler day really – not much significance in the grand scheme of things. Oh sure, you might schedule a doctor or dentist appointment, or get your hair cut on a Tuesday, but other than that, what are Tuesday’s good for?? What is it they say about Tuesday’s child? Full of grace? Well, that and a quarter won’t even get you a phone call these days. Tuesday’s child would be better off if he or she were full of grapes – at least that might make the news.

And Thursday?? Aside from a strong prime time line-up on NBC, why do we even HAVE Thursdays? All you’re pretty much going to be doing all day is thinking about Friday, which is the gateway day to the weekend, so Thursday is like 24 hours of sheer Ice Age as far as time goes. Does Thursday even have a child, full of grapes or ANYTHING??

As you can see by this totally unbiased, scientific presentation, Wednesday is a pretty darn good day, and I for one am proud to be blogging on a Wednesday morning.

If only I would have had a topic beforehand…

Chow for now!

The Tuesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Kenny Rogers.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Man. That Kenny Rogers – the singer that just doesn’t age! Here’s a guy that has charted hit singles in each of five consecutive decades, and he still looks as young as when he started out as a young whippersnapper.

Last night at the Saddledome, Old Kenny showed early 60’s footage of his band The First Edition, and I swear – his skin is as smooth now as it was back then? What kind of sorcery is this??

Well, no matter how he does it – he looked cool as a cucumber on stage last night – relaxed, easy-going, and swaying ever so gently on his bad hip. This was the first time I’ve ever seen Kenny – don’t know why. I’ve always been a big fan. Mrs. That Dan Guy had seen him before, a couple of wives ago – I think the one that was on “Hee-Haw”.

What a show! Our first Christmas show of this early holiday season, Mr. Rogers had a two-part presentation. The first half of the show was a selection of his big hits, followed by an intermission, and then nothing but Christmas music. I have to say – I quite enjoy these holiday concerts. This was the best so far of who we’ve seen – although the Christmas pageant at the Crystal Cathedral in California rates way up there too.

You certainly couldn’t have found fault with the first half of the show either – that songbook of hits is unmistakeable – with the cross-over success he’s had on the pop and country charts – the guy is just solid gold! And what a showman! The guy bantered all night long, poking fun at himself, and many audience members. Quite the comedian, that Kenny. At one point, he even poked fun at how many Gambler movies he had released, with a video clip of a rap Gambler movie, starring he and Coolio. OK, so Coolio is kind-of old news these days – but for the crowd – the bit was a big hit.

Did I mention how young this guy looks – his skin is as smooth as a baby’s bottom! How is that even possible for a man of his advancing years??

The second half of the show featured a set decorated for Christmas, if you happen to be celebrating it in Rockefeller Center. Trees everywhere, a big illuminated snowman, snow falling on the stage. I could almost see the elves working away backstage.

I have to confess here that one of my favourite Christmas albums is a release from quite a few years back – Kenny and Dolly Parton. Well, not as big a favourite as the Elvis Christmas albums, and certainly not as much as my favourite Xmas song of all time by John Lennon, but it’s definitely up at the top of the list.

Seeing those songs come to life – priceless. Kenny even had the Calgary Youth Singers onstage as a choir for some of the classic carols. Pretty dang incredible.

And, the highlight of the night – he collected random audience members to perform “The 12 Days Of Christmas”. Funniest thing we’ve ever seen on a concert stage, I’d have to say.

Kenny Rogers. Perhaps a vampire, perhaps guzzling Oil Of Olay for breakfast. But one damn fine performer on a stage…

Chow for now!!

CHAMPIONS!!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the Calgary Stampeders successfully held off a team from Montreal to win this year’s Grey Cup. They are the CFL champions, for 2008.

The CFL is the Canadian Football League, and of course, many people are quite surprised to discover that Canada even HAS a football league. Well, we do, and we even have a number of teams in the league.

When I lived in Winnipeg, I rooted for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. They were neither blue, nor bombed anything (aside from their seasons on occasion), much like the Green Bay Packers, who to the best of my knowledge don’t just pack green bays. It’s simply a name.

When we lived in British Columbia, I rooted for the B.C. Lions, while secretly carrying my torch for the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. Not that a torch (even if it had been a real one) would have ignited the Bombers, even though sometimes they may have needed that sort of motivation.

Now, living in Alberta (yes, this is a bit of a Canadian geography lesson this morning), I root for the city where we live – Calgary, and the CHAMPION Stampeders.

There are CFL teams in Saskatchewan, Ontario, umm…other provinces – but none yet in Nunavut. Which is a real place, on real maps. Just without either a CFL team, or even an NHL team.

Nunavut is so remote, only Sarah Palin could feel at home there.

Nunavut is so remote, they get their Starbuck’s coffee by dogsled, after lumberjacks clear away boreal forest tracts.

I suspect there will be a parade soon, for the Calgary Stampeders. I must bring my long underwear to the drycleaners, to prepare…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Howdy Sunday, Humans!

Say, now THIS is more like it! The owners here have just installed a poultry-sized hot tub! Sweet!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

They still gotta fill it up with water, but I tried it on for size just now, and it’s a perfect fit! Not much on jets or massaging heads, but pretty cozy all the same.

It looks like they even have a bit of a buffet nearby – how convenient is that? Potatoes, gravy, dressin’ and…


Dressin’…

Hey, now just wait a cotton-pickin’ minute here!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!!

BUK-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK!!!!!

Is it Thanksgiving weekend in the U.S. again?? Pluck me! How did I fall for this????

I was gonna settle in to watch the Stampeders win the Grey Cup today, and now I think I had better get the pluck outta here, or my goose is gonna get cooked!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!!

Cannibals!!!

Gotta scatter….

Cluck for now!!

1000 Blog Posts!!

(Sorry Charlie, you’ve been bumped to tomorrow morning – we’re makin’ history here today…)

1000 consecutive blog posts, since the very first one when I launched way back when, on March 17, 2006. Man, does time ever fly when you’re scribbling down nonsense!! And stuff…

So, what’s been going on here, for the past 1000 posts? Well, there has been coverage (and I use that term extremely loosely) of two Erma Bombeck Humor Writing workshops. If you go back to March 24, 2006, you can see my smiling mug along with famous humor columnist Dave Barry. A hoot and a half, that post!

On April 24, 2006 – I documented how I had badly burned my nose in a tanning booth. Why there aren’t Pulitzer Prizes for blogging is beyond me.

Around June of 2006 I began to run afoul of the fine folks at PETA, with several questionable postings about animals in the Such Is Life household. To this date, I have never been formally charged with any animal cruelty charges…

Throughout this time period, several blogs were expanded, and went on to become full-length newspaper columns, in my weekly humour column. Yes, that’s right – I am totally shameless, and lazy as a gestating pupa…

Sunday, July 16th we officially arrived in Calgary, after relocating from our home in Kelowna. We were handed cowboy hats at the Alberta/B.C. border. Yee-haw, little buddies…

August 22, 2006 was the first time I ever mentioned “MAC” in a posting – without even knowing what lay ahead or me after eventually adopting Windows Vista. How spooky is that?? Man, I REALLY need to make the switch!!!!!!!

August of 2006 saw the launch of Banjo Quest 2006, a regular feature where I shamelessly pitched readers for a banjo. And who says dream don’t come true? I received a banjo for Christmas, later in the year. Way to go, GG!!!

It was in this time frame as well that I noticed some of my “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” concert reviews. OR, as Argy.ca describes them: “where never is heard a discouraging word”, or “the feature that good taste forgot”…

Dec. 31, 2006 – Charlie begins his first post, after arriving along with the banjo at Christmas. He has been posting on weekends since. The world here in the Such Is Life household has never been the same…

Well, that wraps up what passes as “highlights” for 2006. More over the next few days.

For everyone that has been following this blather for 1000 posts (or parts thereof), I sincerely suggest you seek professional help…

Chow for now!!

Big weekend, boys and girls! Our Calgary Stampeders face off in Montreal against the host team, for the Grey Cup finale. That will be on Sunday – Canadian Football League action. What, you didn’t think we might have our own football league? Pretty enjoyable sporting events we feature up here…even if they aren't all played on a sheet of ice…

So, the technical guy is returning tonight, to take another stab at making my Vista purr like a kitten. I’m beginning to think that, all things considered, it’s purring as much as it ever will. While his efforts are the sole item left between me and my last thin slice of sanity, it still feels like we are bringing in a world-renowned brain surgeon, to make bologna sandwiches. Or, baloney if you prefer that spelling. It's still imitation meat, no matter how you cut it.

After the last session, pretty much every effort indicated that this white elephant IS operating at the best of its capacity – but after running out of time before we had to rush off for a prior commitment, this delightful sadist felt that he wanted to take one last stab at ole Biscuit Eater. I can’t say that I blame him – you start to take things personally after you’ve spent time with this machine – Windows Vista is much like a virtual Mount Everest, that you feel like you have to climb just to best it.

I say, bring out the bulldozer and dynamite, and let’s just be done with it. That dog ain’t ever gonna hunt. Bah Humbug, Windows Vista – Bah Humbug!!

Chow for now!

I’ve got nothin’.

Zip. Zero. Diddly-Squat.

You know, doing this day after day after day, you’d think I might jot down a few things for mornings like this, when the electrons are shorting out between my ears…

But that’s not how I roll. My method has always been to wake up, have a cup of coffee, and then just sit here and punch out whatever happens to be top-of-consciousness for me. That could be just about anything, and most often is pretty much nothing. Which is what I’m facing here this morning. Cranial tumbleweeds. Brain-area absence.

A complete lack of topic…

So, what is a fella to do? We didn’t even get home early enough to watch any live TV last night – we watched stuff that we had recorded over the last few days. Old news. In today’s fast-paced “gimme my information NOW” world, anything I have to say would be eons old, in terms of “right-now” relevance.

So, in conclusion – Zip, Zero, Diddly-Squat. Make of that what you will. Me, I need to go find a granola bar or something. Maybe a bit of sustenance will tweak the old grey matter. If nothing else, it’ll make my tummy happy…

Chow for now!!

Much as I pride myself (sorry, yet another “mighty lion” reference…) on being rather adept at adjusting to new technology, the one thing that I seem to have missed the boat on is computer or video gaming.

While I will admit that I do have PLENTY of time to play computer games throughout my work day, I’ve never, ever owned a video gaming console. That’s probably a good thing, but that has also handicapped me when it comes to relatives and friends that DO own such wondrous devices. If we sit down to play, I am usually massacred in short order.

But not always. Turns out, I am a natural when it comes to Wii games. With practically no training at all, I was able to annihilate ALL the competition at a recent family gathering. I was a virtual Tiger Woods of Wii – The Gretzky Of The Gaming Console!!

You can read all about it in my newspaper column, online today here:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=148189

And you can say “you knew me back when…”

Chow for now!!

PS - Today's "Word Verification" code is "blatulas". Must be Dracula's spatula???

My Colleagues In The Animal Kingdom

If I were a mere animal (as opposed to a wild animal, if ya know what I mean…grrrr….), there are a few considerations for which animal I would probably be:

1) An Owl – well, this one almost goes without saying – I am wise, and often nocturnal. If nocturnal means that I watch late night TV poker when I can’t sleep.

2) A Lion – Majestic, powerful, pretty much all of my own teeth – there are many reasons I might consider myself a lion. And, like the mighty male lion, I prefer to read a newspaper, whilst my lioness fetches supper. Life is good for a lion…

3) A Kangaroo – with boundless (and literally bounding) energy, I could absolutely be a kangaroo. I am known to hop from task to task (all the while never really completing any).

4) A Panther – sleek, slow, and methodical – I could SO be a panther! I can amble with the best of them, and spring like a coiled cobra when needed. Do panthers ever get male pattern balding??

5) A Stallion – You know, if there’s one animal that perhaps summarizes That Dan Guy – it just might be a wild stallion. Regal bearing, unbridled spirit, flowing mane - hooves that are lethal weapons when necessary. Not that I’d ever use my hooves for evil, or personal gain, but good to know that they’re capable of great power…

6) Gorilla – Yes, the mighty Lord Of The Jungle – I would certainly make a Great Ape. I can almost hear my barrel-chested hollering now, reverberating throughout the jungle. Or at least the playground Jungle Gym…

7) A Toucan – Hey, why not?

Man, I haven’t even scratched the surface of the animals I might be, given half a chance. I should convene today’s posting right now, and go surf The Google – I really need to consider all this for when I’m reincarnated!!

Chow for now!!

Trendy beasts that we are, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were in attendance Saturday night, to help the new James Bond “Quantity Of Shoulder” movie release hit Number One at the box office. It raked in $70.4 million smackers, or $300 million if you add in popcorn and miniature packages of chocolate bars.

Observations:

1) “Quantity Of Shoulder” seems like such a wasted effort at titling. I mean, every actor or actress has an abundant quantity of shoulder. While Bond villains have been missing various body parts over the years, none have ever been lacking adequate shoulder quantities. I for one thought this was more than just a little bit silly.

2) Is it just me, or has movie popcorn become the new oil? I’ve bought cheaper black market organs, by comparison. MTDG was getting a little ticked with me when I wouldn’t share, but come on – the stuff is more expensive than unicorn hooves. You can’t just eat it, you need to invest it.

3) Daniel Craig is actually shorter than Herve Villechaize (Tattoo, from Fantasy Island). He is normalized by creative camera angles, and other short actors.

4) If Bond aged the same as real life has progressed since his inception, his latest Bond girl should be Doris Roberts (the old lady, from Everybody Loves Raymond).

5) Seriously, when did popcorn get more expensive than launching a space shuttle?

Afterwards, we both agreed – it wasn’t as good as the last Bond outing. Still not a bad action flick, but let’s see if it hangs on for another weekend at the box office…

Chow for now!!

It’ll have to be short and sweet today, boys and girls! I’ve got a technical individual coming over to the house this morning, to see if a tech on site (rather than other-worldly) can succeed in harnessing the unreliability and frustration that is Windows Vista.

After no end of patches and fixes from Microsoft, countless crossed fingers and toes, this computer of mine still acts like a randomizer where it might pertain to proper computing procedures. Congratulations, today - nothing works!!

I have no confidence that this will help me, but in desperate times, I grasp desperately at straws. Besides, the techie may be able to compose an award-winning treatise for technical journals, after seeing this beast in action.

Of course, he may also simply retreat, and offer me the name of a good exorcist…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Drama Queen Alert!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Since this Hen Rietta chick showed up here, I get a constant feelin’ that she’s tryin’ to attract my attention. I can’t even trim my whiskers inna mornin’, without her cluckin’ away in the background.

“Charlie, yer comb is crooked.” “Charlie, did you clean between your claws?”

Man, a chicken could loose his mind listenin’ to a steady stream of that claptrap!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So yesterday, I see her skitterin’ around with this here Ernesto character. Latin Lover my feathered kabuki!! More like Latin Elder!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

The guy looks like a neighbourhood butcher. If she thinks I’m gonna give a flyin’ fig about Mount Baldy, she needs ta rethinks her game plan. I’d rather polka with a potato, than pay attention ot some bikini’clad feather duster…

BUK (I say, I say boy) –AAAAWK!!!!

I plan on just ignorin’ her. Mebbe this Italian Scallion will whisk her off to Rome, or mebbe he’ll fix her up a in a gravy boat hot tub. I got me a Western Division CFL final to watch this afternoon, with our hometown Calgary Stampeders tryin’ to win and get in the Grey Cup Final.

The only thing I’m worried about is makin’ sure I got enough garlic dip for my potater chips…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

Not sure what happened yesterday morning, but my blue screen error message and subsequent immediate system crash hiccup seems to be keeping away today. I’ve got someone coming out to look at this thing Sunday, so I’m crossing my fingers that he can do something to at least make this alleged “top-of-the-line” computer find some small way to live in harmony with Windows Vista. Or as I like to refer to it, "Satan's Preview Of Hell". Who will die first? Me, or the computer??

Stay tuned…

You know, I used to be pretty competent when it came to adapting to new technology. When cassette tapes replaced 8-Tracks, I made the transition with no trouble at all. I still kept all my 8-Tracks though, just in case.

When VCRs first came out, I waited until the prices came down, but did buy a lumbering beast that loaded from the top, and featured a remote that you plugged directly in to the hardware. That line stretched to the sofa, from where you would surf the six or seven channels available. Hard to imagine that now, in today’s mostly wireless life.

Speaking of wireless, I did get my first cell phone when I got into real estate, but even that was only after stopping one too many times to find a pay phone while I was out with clients. There’s cheap, and then there’s just plain stupid, I suppose.

Lately, technology is uniting, revolting, and trying to send me to the Looney Bin. If it were Looney Tunes, I wouldn’t mind so much.

I do believe that if this computer problem isn’t resolved, and Mac is now looking to be a distant solution well off into the New Year, I will simply surrender. Life’s too short. It’s not like this is the only computer in the house. As a matter of fact, it would be perfect for those occasional times that Mrs. That Dan Guy needs one to work on, here at home.

Bah Humbug, Technology!!!!!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Short one for now, more to come later - computer is crashing shortly after startup. So happy I decided to buy a new computer, to make my life "easier". Thanks, Windows Vista!

Scheduling service call, when I really should be taking this thing out behind the barn.

Ironically, Mac Quest has been suspended until the new year, as we will be away for a few weeks, and didn't think we should rush into switching over.

No word on my sanity rushing out the window...

Chow, literally, for right now...