Our Plans For New Year's Eve

1) TV.

Happy New Year all!

Here's to a wild and crazy 2015!!

Later.....

OK, now what???

We got a hippopotamus for Christmas - goddam song!!

Now what?

First off, even our king-sized bed is too small - we should have maybe started off with a BABY hippopotamus!!

And his appetite! OMG!! Thank God he's a vegetarian at least - it's like a great white shark with a tapeworm!!! Hey, why don't you try chewing and savouring a bit, you vacuum-snarfing food disposal unit!

Hey little girl singing that song - have you ever SMELLED a hippopotamus?? EGADS!! GROSS!!

It's worse than staying in a tent with three slobs that had baked beans before bed! I think our walls are changing colours!

Which does bring up the awkward item - this thing passes more gas than an Alberta pipeline! Holy Emissions, Batman! With no warning, aside from the sound of a mighty tree limb breaking under the weight of...well, a hippopotamus sitting on it, we cannot light a match or otherwise strike any sort of sparks, or we'll be blown to kingdom come!!!

Of course, all that aside, Mrs. That Dan Guy STILL thinks he's cute - bah hippin' HUMBUG!!

Hippo New Year indeed....

Later.

As The Christmas Tree Crumbles...

It's all over but the cryin'!!

Christmas is officially in the rear view mirror, where it has apparently had to swerve to avoid hitting a reindeer. Boxing Day has come and gone, and the gloves are back up on the bedroom closet shelf.

The wait now is for New Year's Eve, where more festivities and food and beverages await, as do my stretchy jeans. How will I approach this new year, and the resolutions we historically make to break?

I'll lower my standards, that's what I'll do!

Why set unrealistic goals that are just going to cause me grief as soon as it becomes apparent I can't fulfill them? Why anguish over days flying by, as my goals remain unmet?? Well into the middle of January???

Here are my new, improved lower standard resolutions:

1) I will lose weight. A haircut will suffice - that removes at least a few ounces of unsightly poundage.

2) I will quit procrastinating. But I won't start that one until September...

3) I will listen to more music. That includes humming to myself as I absent-mindedly look for my glasses...

4) I will make more money. Many have to upgrade my colour printer for that one...

5) I will be a better person. No, that's wrong, typo... I will be a butter person - margarine is SOOO unhealthy...

6) I will only bet on horses with decent odds, not the long shots I have gambled on in the past.

7) I will eat more fruit and vegetable crackers..

That's enough for now. Even with lower standards, I don't want to set myself up to fail....

Later!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

You, welcome tah Calgary, cousin Slacker...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

This is it - snow an barrin waistland - unfit fer poultry habitayshun!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yew'll never git tah skateboard heer, an tha wether its so cold yer paltry poultry tattoos will freeze and drop right off yer skin!

If tha coyotes and woolfs don git yah first!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, Marco Polo hisself gave up explorin' here, an went back tah Arizona, where he grew up. It is truly inhospitable-able in this here wildirniss!!

Now, let's git back inside, so ah kin watch Wheel Of Fortune, an warm mah pinfeathers up!

When dew yah expect tah pack yer bags??

STAY??

Are yew NUTS!!

Aww, cluck fer now - I need a hot toddy fer mah beak!!!

My interview and feature with Dr. Sterling Haynes

I held this back, despite having done the interview before Christmas, so that it didn't get lost in the holiday shuffle.

If you need inspiration, or to know that you're NEVER too old to start a writing career, listen to the full interview in the (free download) companion podcast, towards the end of the feature.

You'l find it all here.

Enjoy!

Later...

Boxing Day?

Who needs Boxing Day? At my age, I don't even shadow box anymore without wheezing like a hyena with a hernia!

I need Tupperware Day, to store away all the leftover turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cream corn, toast, gravy, butter tarts, spaghetti, cornbread, apples, candy, candy canes, tortiere, ham, bacon, cinnamon toothpicks, turducken, meatballsquirrelbacon, and whatever else we cooked up yesterday.

Sheesh - get your holidays in order, North America!!

Later...

Merry Christmas, and A Happy New Year!

Our family has grown - and we all wish you the best of the season.

Now, go log off and enjoy time with the real people in your life!!

:-)

Later.......

Merry Christmas, and My Latest (Not-So-Seasonal) Column

Well, here's my compromise. 

I'm about to post a link to my latest REM column, which is not at all seasonal. I screwed up the timing there this year.

So, I give you instead my favourite Santa pic, where if you look closely, you will see the moustache resting on my chin, which I failed to realize existed in this costume. 

Hence the spray paint on my own cookie duster...

Enjoy my "luck" with automobile purchasing here.

If you've done your shopping already, enjoy a relaxing Christmas Eve. 

If you haven't, bless you, I may run into you in the mall myself!!

Later.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Ho Ho Ho!!!!

Upcoming Interview, the witty charm of Dr. Sterling Haynes

I spent about 40 minutes on the phone last night with an old friend, as he has just released a new book of memoirs and stories of the people that have been a part of his amazing life. I've had the pleasure of watching his career grow over the years, and when I lived in Kelowna BC, heard him read many times as we were part of the same writers' community.

The best part? He really got started after his medical career ended - in his seventies! At 86 now, this third book may be his best, as he expands on prior publications that have recounted his career as a frontier doctor, with many of those years serving in marginalized minority communities. His stories are told with flourish and a spellbinding manner that is only enhanced more if you're lucky enough to see him read them live. But the books are certainly not going to let you down on their own.

I hope to have this edited and ready for publication quick, but I may hold it back until after Christmas so it doesn't get lost in the shuffle. I want everyone that hasn't already heard of him to really, really get to know Dr. Sterling Haynes. I'm not going to give away any tidbits, but he has some stories to tell....

The companion podcast will give you some idea of his style - I can't see keeping it under half an hour!

His book Where Does It Hurt Now is available from Amazon, and is in bookstores as well...

Later!

As the year draws to a close...

As 2014 draws to a close, I only wish I would have had a better cartoonist to draw it for me...

Later!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Wut tha cluck..........

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, Merry Christmass y'all - and have a Habby New Yeer...

Season's Greetin's from Chicken Scratch...

Wow, this red velvet unnerwear is REALLY warm on tha chicken balls....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I'm sweatin' like a yak over heer!!

Where's mah eggnog??

Waiter!!!

Ho Ho Ho mah cluckin' backside!!!

Who broke mah candy cane?????

Ah need ah drink......

Cluck fer now....

Santa's Blog

I've decided to step aside today, and re-post this transcription from 2009, where Santa reflects on the last few working days coming up to The Big Day.

I get the feeling he had a little eggnog and rum in his system, as he was posting this one...

Check it out here.

Enjoy!

Later.......

Unseasonably Warm - The Calm Before The Storm?

I don't want to jinx things, but it is eerily warm and snowless for this time of year. We've only had a light dusting over the past few days of that cursed white winter stuff, and we are barely getting into the minus of the degrees available on the thermometer this past week.

What's up, Ole Man Winter? Saving your best for one wicked dropping? Holding back those arctic temperatures until we are off trying to enjoy the holidays?

Are you saving up for one epic polar vortex for the history books???

I'd better not look a gift horse in the mouth, but I do worry - if I start to thinking I can light up the barbecue, this is folly that will surely have consequences if I awaken the winter gods from their slumbers.

Until then, I will quietly enjoy the break though - I may be crazy, but I ain't THAT crazy!!

Later...

Maybe I'm A-Maized?

I know it sounds corny, but I had a kernel of an idea, which seemed at the time like the cream of the crop.

Sadly, it went no-ear, as I clearly hadn't thought it through enough. It was pretty thin, where it should have been husk-y.

Well, row upon row of bright ideas occasionally lands in rootless soil, so I will just go back to the drawing board, and try again another time.

Later!

Winnipeg Losing Some Lights Lately

I've been informed that my high school English teacher passed away a few days ago. I know that everybody and their dog has a "she's the teacher that" story, but Mrs. Axworthy really did. I had planned on being an electronic technician in my first year of high school, and planned courses around that. But I ended up finding myself really getting engaged by her teaching style, and she took personal interest when she noted I had some buried, encased in amber, locked away in a rusty bank vault, latent creative writing abilities.

Well, fast forward and one day in school, I blew up a transistor radio in electronics class that just about took my left ear off in the explosion. I wasn't doing that much better in math or physics, but I was really enjoying those English classes with Mrs. Axworthy. While I did enjoy all the classic rock of the day like the rest of my chums, I also had picked up a keen interest in other music, and found myself handing in bios and reviews of acts like our hometown The Guess Who, and Roy Orbison for class assignments.

One day, she encouraged me to consider rethinking my plans for the future, and told me about a course at Red River Community College that only allowed for a few new student every year. Out of over 300 annual applicants to this Creative Communications course in journalism, broadcasting and creative writing, only a student or two over about 25 were ultimately chosen to take the course.

Well, I did submit an application, along with the required homework of writing samples and scenarios played out from recommended starting points,  and went promptly back to dissecting televisions and essentially ruining a wide variety of other electronic gizmos.

Then the envelope came.

I had been accepted.

Once that sunk in, I went about making plans - I dropped Electronics, Math and physics, and took up MORE English, as well as typing. By the time I got to my final year of high school there was another teacher being groomed, and he was an utter moron, even going so far as accusing me of plagiarizing my homework. My marks in his class were horrific, but still enough to pass. My final exam, which I couldn't possibly fake, ended up surprising him so much he called me in to apologize. Too little, too late, you bearded asshat - there will be no dedication in my book for YOU!!

There will now however be one for Mrs. Axworthy, who saw through the lack of confidence in my writing ability, fanned the flames, and gave me so far an adult lifetime of writing credits with her encouragement and direction.

Rest in Peace Mrs. Axworthy. Say hello to Lindor, I'm sure you two must have known each other...

Hazzle-Free Shopping!

If you want to avoid hazzles this holiday season (and who doesn't really?), just stay indoors.

Hazzles are everywhere during this harried season, so if one desires to stay hazzle-free, one should just learn to stay inside, and not even go online, as hazzles await even in cyber-space.

Who needs the hazzles of THAT??

Stay in your room, stay in your bed, stay under the covers, and you just might avoid all the hazzles that harry hurried holidayers have endured.

Hakuna Matata!

Later...

Free Willy!

From 12-1 today, we are giving away sushi, FREE!

Details are still being sorted out, please stand by...

Later...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Alright - we're gonna need little more red on the nose over here...

MAKEUP!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

No, I ain't gots no carrots, an I ain't gonna keep tellin' ya that! Now git yer act tagether, an at least preetend ya might be able ta guide a sleigh tanite!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

HEY! NO POOPIN' ON THA MOVIE SET!!!

SHOVEL!!

SHOVEL!!! STAT!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Lissen here, ya mangy oversized white-tail - I ain't gonna go over thiss again! Ya hold yer big red nose up fer tha camera, an we photoshop Santa an a sleigh in behind ya - thass all ya gotta do!!

It ain't rocket science....

HEY!!!

Wut did yew have fer brekkfest - TOO MUCH FIBER IS WUT YEW HAD FER BREKKFAST!!!!  

SHOVEL!!!!

SHOVEL!!!!

An mebbe sum Febreeze if there's a spray bottle handy...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Let's take five people!!

Cluck fer now....

Latest Post For Calgary Herald Blog

This went live online late yesterday when I was away from my home office, but if I didn't already spread the word enough on Twitter and Facebook, here's the link to my latest Calgary Herald blog, a profile on Calgary's enduring writers' resource, The Alexandra Writers' Centre Society.

Click here to read it.

Enjoy!

Later.....

And Now, The End Is Near...

I see that Pirate Bay (an illegal download site) has been raided, and is currently offline. Here in Canada, Saskatchewan internet providers are now forwarding info on users that visit those sites to the copyright holders for warnings of legal action as well.

As a creator of materials in print and online, and a supporter of live musicians, this is GREAT news - and long overdue. The internet has caused so much uncertainty for creative artists, and even long-established performers are having to do kick-starters to make money or be able to even record a new album.

This is a good trend, which I hope continues to swell - it is the law after all.

Support artists. Buy, don't steal.

Later!