If Fuzzy Wuzzy had been a bear, I imagine he must have had a pretty rough go of it in school. He would have had to toughen up to handle all the teasing, and that might have just been from the teachers!

I imagine he may have had to get a tattoo, and let his hair grow long like a biker to be taken seriously: "Yeah, my name's Fuzzy Wuzzy - wanna make something of it??"

Chances are he may have had to learn how to street fight to survive, maybe even using dirty techniques, like brass knuckles or a brass monkey. Carrying that name around during his crucial development years must have been a real pain in the brass...

Of course, he could also have just lived non-judgmentally in the woods, never once even knowing how cruel his name might have been had he grown up in the human world. Lucky Fuzzy Wuzzy, in that case.

The End

Chow for now!!

I know that I'm not supposed to shower with a plugged-in toaster.

I know that I'm gonna get bit, if I play with a snake.

I know that whatever goes up, must come down, even if it's filled with helium and filmed by Disney.

I know that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if he's a vampire and you lace it with garlic.

I know that s@#* runs downhill, except maybe in space.

I know that weevils wobble, but they won't fall down. Or maybe it's weebles, and I have no idea what those are...

What I DIDN'T know, was that a f#*!ing potato peeler also could be pretty good at peeling fingertips off..

Class dismissed...

Chow for now!

Aaaargh!!!!!

Dang-blasted tehnology!!

I just cannot seem to get this blog to load to Facebook. Everything I try (short of posting a link, which works, but isn't the same) fails. Or sure, occasionally a random post appears like it did a few days ago, but the automatic process I utilize works as well as a wet soda cracker would as a coaster.

Why, Computer Gods, Why?? Why must you torment and betray me at every turn???

Aaaaaaargh!!!!!!

Chow for now.

Chicken Scratch

(The Weekly Daring Adventures of An Adventurous Adventuring Chicken Named Charles!)

WAIT A MINUTE!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Are you SURE this is tha only way to check ma blood pressure??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

(Help.....)

Cluck. Fer Now.

I Hope....

“Touch”

We took a gamble on a new TV show that ran a couple of days ago - the latest project starring Kiefer Sutherland - “Touch”. I’ll be honest, the description drew me in, involving a boy obsessed with numbers. As we apparently are (still surrounded by 11’s).

Well, snap my peas and call me Shirley - what a show! Compelling, dramatic, can’t-even-breath-during-some-scenes...probably the best new show we’ve seen. 

I know, I know - it’s not “The Bachelor”, or “Who’s Gonna Marry Chester For A Month”, or “12 Bimbos In Heat” (whatever these painful but popular “reality” shows are called), but we tend to lean towards programs that have real writers, real actors, and aim for viewers with IQ’s over 4. I’m going to leave it at that - to each their own, something for everybody, whatever floats your boat. But really...

So, this was just a teaser episode, but it sure served its purpose. We can’t wait for the debut, and will follow as long as they maintain that initial level of excellence. 

Hey, did you know that “reality” programs have writers, producers and directors? And that not everything you see is real nor even remotely close to spontaneous?

Sorry, I promised to leave it alone...  

Anyway - “Touch” - two opposable thumbs up, which might be what separates us from reality TV fans...

Sorry....

Chow for now!!

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #015

Van Halen

Van Halen is back on the road, and they’re dragging David Lee Roth along again! I previewed their new single “Tattoo” on i-Tunes, and I just have to say – has anyone in the band ever looked at a calendar? It’s 2012, NOT 1981….

Well, good luck with that effort. We won’t catch them on this go-round, having seen them blow the roof off of Calgary’s Saddledome back in 2006. Excellent show:

http://thatdanguy.blogspot.com/2007/12/charlie-gets-hook-today-come-back.html

Please, ask permission if you plan on using this photo anywhere...

Chow for now!

One year ago today....

It is probably no coincidence that on the one-year anniversary of my sister-in-law's passing, I have signed off on an offer letter to accept a role with the Canadian Diabetes Association here in Calgary. Among many other things we shared (a love of Apple, a love for her sister), one unfortunate link was that we both had diabetes.

She lived as full a life as she could despite that, and I've posted here many times about the accolades she has received over the last year, but this will be pretty cool, giving back to help fight a disease that affects so many people, including quite a few in both sides of my own family.

New year, new directions....

Chow for now!!

Dear Provocative Twitter Followers,

Thank you so much for taking the time to connect with me online. While I certainly appreciate the eye-popping offers and sultry photos that indicate you might be Angelina Jolie's substantially more voluptuous cousin, I must sadly decline clicking on your offshore link, which I imagine is actually a fatal computer virus, or Trojan intended to collect my identity.

Even if I were dim-witted enough to click on your link, the joke would be on you. I have been praying for an end to my Windows Vista nightmare for several years now, and a comprehensive virus might just accomplish that. Truth be told though, I can't rely on that logic, as Vista defies any and all logic when it comes to a computer operating system.

As for a phishing attack, a quick overview of my personal finances would likely elicit more sympathy than success, perhaps encouraging even the most heartless of online pirates to leave what few paltry amounts of "wealth" alone in my online accounts - or worse yet, fuel a desire to spearhead a fundraising effort on my behalf.

I know you think you are fooling me with those half-naked photos of young vixens as your screen shot identity - but this isn't my first rodeo. I know that (especially based on your own Tweets) you are more than likely a middle-aged male in some faraway land, with barely even a hint of how words string together in English.

Best of luck, kind sir. May you eventually find Interpol banging down your door, or spend countless days bent over in agony, as actual Spam refuses to pass gently through your intestines.

Your North American Pal,

Dan

Chow for now...

Less Than Kind

Well, this is one TV show (Canadian! I kid you not!!) Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are arriving to just a little late. We're not even sure how we heard about it - but it had something to do with either the passing of star Maury Chaykin, or discovering that it was set in Winnipeg.

Winnipeg!! Our hometown!! City of our birth and raisin'!!!

Well, as soon as I heard that little nugget, I set the PVR to catch the two episodes that aired last night (three if you include the short vignette in tribute to the aforementioned Chaykin). I remember wondering out loud "maybe Stephen Eric McIntyre will show up in an episode" (out loud, it didn't sound like that crazy of a possibility...).

Well, sure enough - within minutes of the first episode, there rolls up Stephen Eric McIntyre. But more than that - the show is terrific, and doesn't seem to be suffering from the loss of such a legendary talent in the family patriarch. We were cracking up, and getting engaged in the story lines, despite having missed probably a season or two. Hell, we'll catch up, via our new and more friendly TV, internet and phone provider (very, very soon).

The episode where the line "save yourself!" was blurted out during driving instructions I think will become as legendary as any mainstream network TV show. You'll find this one on HBO Canada:

http://lessthankind.ca/home

Can't wait for next week!

Chow for now.....

“And now, the blog is here

And so I raise, my nasal Burtons.

My friends, my soup is clear,

I’ll state my State, which is not Virginia

I’ve lived, alongside much bull,

My life is cursed, when crossed with binary

So pour, pour me more, malt whiskey....”

Thank You! 

Here all week folks!

Try the veal!!

Chow for now...

Chicken Scratch

(Posted by weekend guest pest...umm..I mean guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

"Can we talk??''

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

First off, how wuz I supposed ta know that yew only had them last three chocolate chip cookies left??

Second, I wuz pretty sure I DID shut off tha lites on tha car, even if it wuz outside in -30 degree tempuratshures...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

An finally - I may have accidentally recorded over yer episode uv Golden Girls, but fer tha luvva Pete - buy the cluckin' DVD, then ya gots the whole pluckin'  season ta enjoy!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Fer real  dude, we kin get pass all this - say, could ya loosen yer grip on the claws??

WAIT!! NOT YET!! PUT ME DOWN FIRST!!!

Sheesh - I don't mind a steambath, but NOT with vegetables swimming in it...

SOOOOO...wattaya say pal?? Bury the hatchet??

Hey, wattaya doin' with a hatchet anyhow??

GULP!!!

Cluck. Fer Now... I hope...

Sitting beside an old woman this morning....

Hey, the cold snap that has gripped Calgary for the last week is finally dissipating! It’s not quite balmy yet, but temperatures will rise throughout the day and overnight, until they are in the + range. Above zero!! How un-Canadian is that??

Controversial (ie: funny) comic Gilbert Gottfried is here in town for a couple of shows. We saw him many years ago in Winnipeg - I’ve never seen Mrs. That Dan Guy laugh so hard - I thought she was going to exfoliate. Man, he is hilarious. He did the weather on a morning news show yesterday, and had me cracking up. Of course, it is cold and dry here, so that could have played a role as well...

Finally, I must report that MTDG is sadly addicted. Hooked. She’s got a monkey on her back. Damn i-Pod...Cursed Hell’s Kitchen app...

Chow for now.

Rather than get all giddy today about a very near future where our household enjoys using a Telusphone, or spends lazy evenings watching Telusvision, I would like to reflect on winning strategies for a simpler technology - playing cards. More specifically, Solitaire.

Sure, you can certainly opt now to play Solitaire on your computer or Telusphone (home or cellular...can’t say that about some other technology companies!), but I’m talking specifically about using an old-fashioned deck of cards. So that you can cheat.

The problem with computers is that it is a little more difficult for the human user to cheat, while the computer program itself is often guilty of cheating like a gigolo at a Palm Springs Sexaholics Anonymous convention. Seriously, how can you possibly lose 29 straight games of Solitaire if the computer program itself isn’t pre-determining the outcome??

With a deck of cards, you can easily peek at the cards in the deck, to ensure the combinations you will need to win. Every time! Stuck making a row? Whoops! How did that card become available?? I WIN!!!

OK, so these aren’t so much strategies as they are a confession, but still - after losing 29 straight games on my computer, either the program or the computer itself is going to meet an untimely end. Just sayin’. 

Oh, and kids - ask your parents what playing cards are. They have to be seen in real life to be appreciated...

Chow for now!!

Friggin' Cable Co...

Soon, our Internet, tv, and phone future will be friendly. Unlike now...
Chow. For now...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just have to gripe a little - I am trying to get my social media linked again, but there is continued resistance somewhere along the chain.

My Tweets are certainly linking properly to Facebook, but my blogs refuse to. I've disconnected them, and then reinstalled them, and they appeared a couple of days ago, but not again since. I'm really not sure why this stuff is out to get me, but it is getting tiring.

Oh well, not like it's going to earn me a Nobel Prize or anything...

I also seem to be repeatedly pestered by scam "followers" on Twitter - essentially sex-starved vixens wanting to hook up. This isn't my first rodeo with scammers, so there is no way I'm clicking on links which are likely the inexplicable followers in my Google Analytics from Petro-Scarubia, or Sigh-Beria that are neither sex-starved, vixens, or followers.

With the billions of dollars that cable companies earn providing these scam artists with a living, they should be held to task to police the internet to ensure the safety of responsible users.

Again, billions of dollars. How about a small investment back.

'Nuff said.

Chow for now!!

Doris Day, it is colder than a Klondike Bar here in Calgary today!!

It’s so cold, Winnipeg is starting to look like a tropical destination by comparison.

It’s so cold, I saw a group of bears checking into a Holiday Inn Express...

It’s so cold, when I tried to put my hands into my armpits to warm them up, the pits called 9-11...

Of course, this is really just our average January temperatures, much like Hell features Sauna Nights throughout the year. But it doesn’t take anything away from HOW FREAKIN’ COLD IT IS!!!!!!!!

And I’m indoors, for Pete’s sake. Frostbite Pete...

Sheesh - some Canadian! I’m whining like I wasn’t hardened by decades of exposure to this annual ritual. Exposure being the operative word. 

Well, all I can do is crank up the furnace, and wait it out. August is just a few short months away. Aloha!!

Chow for now...

Regis Philbin, it is cooooold outside today!

We have finally entered what we commonly “enjoy” as typical winter weather conditions here in Canada - sub-zero temperatures, snow, and frozen beaver carcasses littering the forest pathways. 

So, we will NOT be venturing outside today. We will hole up in our humble abode, crank up the furnace, and amuse ourselves with our portable electronic devices. Until Monday, when we will be forced to go outside. Howling all the while, like the arctic winds blowing over the prairies right now.

Funny, after decades of living with cold temperatures, you’d think we’d be acclimatized by now.

No. Not by a freakin‘ long shot. I’d rather be acclimatized to a Pina Colada whilst swaying in a hammock by a tropical lagoon. Not acclimatized to a heating pad, while weeping in long underwear, by a frozen harpoon.

Don’t ask...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

I always thought that telly-vision cimmercial wear tha birds flew inta a glass patio door was a little nutty...

Who knew??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Damn glass kleener...

Cluck fer now...

Found out by accident a couple of days ago that the old supplement for which I used to write a weekly humour column for has folded. It was part of the Kelowna Daily Courier family of newspapers.

Too bad, because I used to come across old online versions of my column out there in the interworld. So, any links I’ve posted are now dead, dead, dead. 

Wonder what happened? They ran three days a week, and seemed to have a good thing going. Although, towards the end, when they axed my column, it had become an ad wrap without all the great features. 

Maybe that had something to do with it....

RIP, eVent Magazine - you were great while you lasted...

Chow for now!

I always tend to say that I’m sweating like a yak, and yet how do I know how much a yak sweats? They are covered in fur, and tend to live in extremely warm environments, so one would have to presume they sweat a lot. You’d actually think they (yaks) might have the presence of mind to emigrate, maybe to somewhere like Iceland, but I guess if you live in a hot climate, why would you go somewhere cold WILLINGLY? Unless you were Canadian?

I think I will cut those poor yaks a break. If they want to be all sweaty and flea-infested, that is their choice after all. Maybe boat travel to a colder climate is cost prohibitive? Maybe they can’t find work elsewhere? Maybe they do live in cold climates, and my knowledge of yaks leaves much to be desired??

Well, enough yakking for one day (nyuk nyuk nyuk!)...

Chow for now.