And now, I will pull a rabbit out of my hat….


Ha! That would be pretty cool – although we have owned a rabbit in the past, and that didn’t work out so well. Man, can those animals ever “process” food!

Was there a point to this? You know, I’m not really sure. It just sounded like a great way to start a posting. Maybe I should have prepared a bit of magic to follow the statement up though…

OK, as my way of making up for, and smoothing over the probable depression you’re feeling after a big opening with no follow-through this morning, I will share a magic trick with you. I know, that’s totally against the rules, and I could get kicked out of the Magician’s Union for this, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take (a risk somewhat blunted by the fact that I am neither a professional magician, nor a union member…).

Here we go. For this trick, you will need a large towel or small blanket. Face your audience, and inform them that before their very eyes, you will make your legs disappear, one at a time.

Cover both legs with the blanket, as if you are waving the fabric at a charging bull. Slowly and discreetly, lift one leg up, then begin to pull up the towel or blanket, exposing the remaining leg. You have made a leg disappear!!

NOTE: Please practice, so as to ensure you don’t fall over while wobbling away on one leg. Kids will be heartbroken to have their young lives marred by a performance lacking in professional follow-through.

Lower the blanket, and your leg. Reveal both legs have returned. Then lower the blanket, and lift your other leg. Voila! 2-for-1 magic act!!

Well, I’ve probably said enough already. If this small professional sharing allows you to go on and headline in a Vegas casino, please consider a small donation to my favourite, non-registered charity:

TDGMACFUND. Just send me a cheque, I’ll see that it gets to the right destination…

Hey, today’s column is online. My weekly humour column, with a bit of PSA for Diabetes Awareness Month:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=146117

Chow for now!!

In Canada, today is Remembrance Day.

11 11

Can’t quite figure out what the significance of those numbers means to me, but I still see them on a regular basis.

We had a power failure here overnight, so when I started to reset clocks, VCRs and telephones, I kept seeing 11 11 over and over again. Of course, being today’s date, that wasn’t too much of a stretch.

Anyone have any theories about repetitive or sequential number sightings? I’m convinced there’s some reason I continue to spot them whenever I glance up a clock. The last concert we attended, we were directly across from Section 111. There has to be some sort of reason these numbers keep popping out at me…

I will take a minute to ponder this. Maybe at 11:11, while I ponder other, more important considerations…

Chow for now!!

Wow!

Is it EVER dark outside right now…

There’s not even a sliver of sun to be seen yet. For all I know, the old fireball is off in Mexico somewhere, cavorting around with a bunch of giggling senoritas, and doesn’t give a flaming hoot about shedding some light on these shivering Canadian prairies.

What does the sun do, when it isn’t in our sky? Does it go out clubbing with other suns? Does it take a nap?

Does the sun have a night job? Maybe ole Sol “moonlights” as a greenhouse when it isn’t shining brightly throughout our day…

Of course, for decades now there has been some crazy talk, talk about how the Earth rotates and stuff. Ha-Ha!! Good one, scientists!! Next you’ll tell us you figured that out by sending men up to the moon!! Ha-Ha-Ha-Hah!!!!

My guess is, the sun slowly (over the course of the day) covers up with a giant, invisible beach blanket, or steel gate (painted blue, so as to blend in with the rest of the sky). Then, after it gets dark here, the sun shuts off and recharges, in some big electrical outlet up there. Which does open the door to the sun’s light fading slowly, like a dimmer does with our dining room lights. Which would make things a whole lot easier to explain than the sun having arms to pull down a gate.

Of course, there is that Man In The Moon, so if he can have a face, why couldn’t the sun have arms??

Wow! Science is still as hard to figure out as it was when I was still in high school. I really shouldn’t have spent so much time playing hooky to shoot pool!!

Chow for now!!

Sunday Morning,

6:07 AM

Awaken as always, bolting out of bed, directly into 18 mile run. Read paper while jogging, to maximize day when I return home.

6:33 AM

A quick breakfast of raw eggs, sliced artichoke hearts, and Fibre-O’s. Dictate speech for Obama’s inauguration, just in case I’m asked to participate.

7:02 AM

Peek in on Mrs. That Dan Guy, still purring like a kitten. Boy, twelve fingers of Peppermint Schnapps sure does put out her lights!!

7:29 AM

Restore antique furniture in my woodshop, which I designed from the ground up. Turned out to be easier than designing from the top down…

8:15 AM

Mrs. That Dan Guy still out like an alley cat on Saturday night. Probably dreaming of one day finally seeing AC-DC live in concert (if ONLY they would book a Calgary date for her!!).

8:47 AM

Being a mass of pent-up energy, I head back outside, jog another 18 miles, this time with a canoe on my shoulders, to paddle a bit on the Bow River. Far as I can tell, looks more like a button than a bow…

9:28 AM

Peek in on Sleeping Beauty. The morning sun glistens off her drooly cheek. Still unconscious…

10:17 AM

I’ve prepared a game hen for tonight’s dinner, just need to pop it into the oven later. Caught the game hen while on my jog – literally a free-range hen. Although, she did seem to be in some kind of pen…

11:11 AM

MTDG has arisen, early for a change. I prepare a breakfast sampler for her, but quietly, as her hangover is very sensitive this particular Sunday…

12:12 PM

I awaken from my dreaming, and discover that none of the above ever really happened. Even though it all felt sooo real…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Hello, mangy mammals!

Ole Charlie here, even tho techikally ya can’t see me.

So, what with the North American economy in such turmoil, we’re havin’ to make some hard decisions here at the chicken ranch. Not a “chicken ranch” like they gots in Nevada – we wouldn’t be in hot water if that wuz wut we had here. I mean a collection of chickens on the open prairie, if by "prairie" you mean "modern home with plumbin’ and heatin"…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Anyhows, where wuz I? Oh yeah…here at the chicken shack, we’ve been forced to look in the mirror, and do some belt-tightenin’. We hadda buy a belt to tightn it, but that’s beside the point…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

We all drew straws, and sadly, poor old Cornelius is havin’ ta make a bit of a sacrifice – we’re puttin’ him on e-Bay.

Now we hope he stays somewhere in the neighbourhood, or at least the province, but we have promised him that anyone who bids on his sorry butt-awks has gotta keep him alive. For example, if someone with a collection of secret herbs and spices indicates interest, we will automatically disquantify that bid. If someone expresses an interest in how Corny fares in small-ring fightin’ – we will also fourbid that bidder.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

We will hope to find Corny a nice new home, with plenty of straw on the ground, and corn to peck at. If we get a good enough buck for him, we can get that widescreen TV the little cluckers keep chirpin’ for. Hey, tis a selfless poultry that sacrifices for the greater good… Or some other sort of bushwah sayin’ – whatever gets us our HD TV!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Gotta run – folks, if ya ever wanted a half-blind, curly-headed chicken, here’s yer chance!!

Cluck for now!!!

What the hey hey??

My post today turned up under yesterday's bloggy thing-a-ma-jig location. Or on top of it, I suppose.

So as to not spoil my perfect record of daily postings (perfect in continuity, less than perfect in offerings) since inception, please accept this brief entry.

Chow (again) for now!!

November, my fine feathered friends, is Diabetes Awareness Month.

In that spirit, here's a feature that ran in yesterday's Calgary Herald. To help make you aware..

Chow for now!!

---

Adopting a healthy lifestyle helps fight diabetes
ALEX FRAZER-HARRISON FOR NEIGHBOURS — Don Molyneaux photo
Calgary Herald
06 Nov 2008

Dan St. Yves is entering his 50s feeling great, living as healthy a lifestyle as possible and generally enjoying life. That’s one of the ironies of living with diabetes, he says — you can look and feel fine, yet still be fighting a disease that...read more...
Tech Tags: Calgary Herald newspaper Family Matters

I am a meathead, a maroon, a putz…

Night before last, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were glued to the TV, to watch history unfold. Well, we also wanted to see if Oprah would be wearing pearls or diamonds for her crowd shots, but we were indeed on our sofa, as Mr. Barack Obama became the President-Elect.

Now, did I mention this yesterday? No.

I chose to run with “snow overnight”.

In CANADA!!

That’s the kind-of “stop-the-presses” commentary that you can expect here, from the breaking-news Such Is Life pulpit. No commentary on the first African-American elected to the highest office in the land (next to President and CEO of Harpo Industries). No comment on how we actually felt shivers as he addressed the nation down there, and the entire world for that matter.

No, I had to tie in a snowfall with my column link, as opposed to acknowledging a landslide presidential election result.

Oh…by the way…it snowed again here last night…

Chow for now!!

Life here in the Such Is Life household is often girdled by healthy doses of irony. Things never seem to go quite the way we’ve planned them to.

For example, I might buy a new computer, and discover that the Windows Vista operating system loaded onto it is going to set me back (technologically-wise) to the Stone Age.

I might prepare the backyard for a weekend barbecue, only to have the heavens unleash a relentless downpour that doesn’t abate until the following Tuesday.

Or, I might write a column (which appears online today, yet again – I’m on a real streak here…) about how much time there is left to be golfing, and then look out my window, to see that it has snowed overnight. Not just a dusting this time – we truly have snow on the grounds here, folks!

Oh well, at least I have my column to keep me warm:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=145347

Chow for now!!

The Tuesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Mel Tillis, and Roy Clark…

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Alright, go ahead…get it out of your system. Yuk it up, fuzzball!

That’s right, last night Mrs. That Dan Guy and I went to go see two living legends of country music – Roy Clark and Mel Tillis. Being fans of country music for considerably longer than the average Hot Country blip on the landscape, we just couldn’t miss catching these two old cats…And they put on a heck of a show for the old farts that shuffled in to see them.

Now, I will admit, aside from a few middle-aged children accompanying their senior parents, we were indeed the youngest members of the audience in attendance. As a matter of fact, it kind-of looked a bit like a toupee factory in the concert hall. Who cares? This was our first chance ever to see them, and that we did indeed.

First up, the legendary Roy Clark. Come on, the guy used to play with Hank Williams! That’s worth some cred right there. Plus the dude can still pick a mean guitar, which he did all night long. All with the sort-of down-home good natured humour you’d expect from the former co-host of Hee-Haw, which I used to watch regularly with my dad. The crowd ate it up, especially during hits like “Thank God & Greyhound, You’re Gone”.

You know, he looks a bit like William Shatner…

At one point, he even asked a band member to “fetch me my fiddle”, and he zipped through a lively version of “Orange Blossom Special”. Age and a recent hip replacement don’t seem to be slowing him down at all, despite his frequent self-deprecating references to age. I’m not sayin’ he’s old, but I’m pretty sure he played background music during The Last Supper. I don’t want to suggest that he’s been around a while, but the first cruise ship he played on was captained by Noah…

After Roy, Mel Tillis took the stage. 600 other artists have covered his songs (I did not know that, before I read the program), so he had a heck of a time trying to squeeze in even a fraction of his catalogue. But he did, in between the classic banter with the audience, which highlights his speech impediment – a stutter that has made him famous, and rather well off. He likes to tell jokes, and I have to say, we laughed our cabooses off in spite of the dust on the punch-lines.

One great night, two great showmen that still have it - we loved it!!

Chow for now!!

PS - and I'm not making this up - the Word Verification code today is "proonj".

Prune Juice?????? Too funny!!

You Let Me Down, Lenny!!

Dear Mr. Lenny Kravitz:

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny…

Even though you put on one of the best shows we’ve attended this year, Mr. Kravitz – I must post one somewhat minor, formal complaint.

You see, it is tradition that when Mrs. That Dan Guy and I attend shows at the Calgary Saddledome, that we will go a bit early, to have a bite to eat, and play a few coins in the Stampede Casino, directly adjacent to said Saddledome.

And, we always, win, Mr. Kravitz. Always. It is a long-standing concert night tradition.

Mr. Kravitz, this was a special evening (in addition to seeing you perform, of course). We needed our lucky streak to continue, as I was planning on picking up a Mac computer directly afterwards – being very close to consummating that relationship before we left home for your show.

We had it, as the kids say, “in the bag”. The last remaining component was just a wee win before your show. Or even after, for that matter – we aren’t particularly rigid in that respect. We were just relying on our usual concert-day mojo. Mojo that was oddly absent, for a show that was so sensational…

We had no luck beforehand, so we just accepted that we had to be patient, and return after the show, even though we were exhausted from dancing in the stands for over two hours. And let me assure you, Mr. Kravitz – the air was pretty thin way the hell up where our seats were.

But we are troopers, and so we went back to the casino AFTER the show, where much to our dismay, our rotten luck persevered. Zip. Zilch. Nada!!

How can I put this delicately? I may as well just come right out and say it. Mr. Kravitz – you owe us the balance required for the purchase of our new computer. We’ve waited, and sacrificed – diverting money from prior winnings that could have gone to supplement Mrs. That Dan Guy’s “60 Shoes In Every Room Of The House” project. It is her life’s work, and she has put it on hold, as I try desperately to escape the tyranny of Windows Vista. We had every expectation that this quest would conclude on the evening of your concert.

You can contact me via the link in the Blogger Profile, or just by posting a comment here in this blog. I promise to be discreet, although I am willing to acknowledge your kindness (should you agree to my reasonable request) to any media outlets.

Thanks in advance,

That Dan Guy

***********************************************
Chow for now!!

The Sunday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Lenny Kravitz.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

There just may be a brand-new “hardest working man in show business”, to fill the slot vacated by the passing of Mr. James Brown. And that man (I humbly submit) would be Lenny Kravitz…

Egads, man! What a flippin’ show! 2 hours and 10 minutes, with nary a break to catch his breath, as he alternated between guitar, keyboards, and drums to crank out an onslaught of crowd-frenzying, funk-ified rock and roll.

That might be why he appeals so much to Mrs. That Dan Guy and I. He incorporates rock, funk, soul, jazz, blues, retro, and dollops of mainstream pop to come up with a sound that inspired even us shaky-kneed old farts to get up off our seats, and dance all night long to hit after hit. That’s right – we were dancin’ our cabooses off! Hey, what they don’t find out about at the old folks home…

What can I say? A cracker-jack band, a suitcase full of hits and loads of other songs that sounded great even if they weren’t big parts of his catalogue. Plus, he lets that cracker-jack band show off – his songs morphed from the well-known radio hits everybody knows, into extended jazz/funk fusions where each individual band member got a chance to toot his own horn. Especially the sax and trumpet players… They actually HAD horns to toot…

I know, I know – I’m just gushing here – but this guy knows how to rock the house! Who else could pull off adding lyrics from “Another Brick In The Wall”, and “Billy Jean” into one of his songs, and have the whole audience singing along at the top of their lungs? The man is a funked-out ringmaster!

Jeez, I have to stop gushing here! But it’s hard, let me tell you – why, he didn’t even play his big breakout “Mr. Cab Driver” hit, and nobody could have cared less.

Well worth seeing, let me tell you. "Are You Gonna Go My Way?" Yes indeed, Mr. Kravitz, yes indeed...

Oh yeah…he had a warm-up act. Some Canadian band. It was supposed to be Sloan, who I would have loved to have seen. It wasn’t. They were OK…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Stop The Presses!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Chickens grow on trees?? How is this even cluckin’ possible??

Well, batter my chicken fingers, and call me "Appy"!

Here I thought all along that us chickens had sumthin’ ta do with eggs. I could never quite figger it out, but I hadda hunch we just started off as hen fruit.

Now I reads the paper yesterday, and the headline indicates we flower - offa plants!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

And now they wanna move the plants, outta the city!! I better alert all the chickens I know, to band together and protest this crazy scheme! That would be a long commute, for the average early-risin’ rooster. And what a rooster has ta do to a plant ta make chickens, I can’t even begin to imagine… Did we evolve from bees? Is this all about pollen??

My head’s spinnin’!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Mebbe they pluck the egss offa the plants. And where do hens figure inta all this?? Mebbe I should quit avoidin’ Hen Rietta, and see if she has any idea about what’s goin’ on here…

Man, when a suave, worldy chicken like myself can get his world rocked like this, what hope is there some for some hayseed, barnyard chicken? Are they givin’ Mother’s Day cards to sunflowers? Who’s yer daddy? A CLUCKIN’ TULIP!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

It’s Miller Time, my hairy human friends…

Cluck for now!!

Happy Halloween!!

(to anyone out there that celebrates this particular annual event)

My heart almost stopped beating for a few minutes this morning. I thought I had picked up a virus when I checked my e-mails first thing this morning. Still not entirely sure that all is well, but how freaky is that for Halloween morning??

Trick or treat my ample caboose!!

The irony is, we’re so close to switching over to a worry-free Mac, it would have been a classic That Dan Guy moment to have disaster strike just as we’re approaching the finish line.

Aye Caramba!!

Well, soon enough this will all hopefully be behind me, and I can start up a computer (just once, even) in the morning that isn’t out to drive me into a complete nervous breakdown.

I will survive…

Chow for now!!

Potpourri:

I recently began subscribing to Apple Computers’ e-newsletter. As my switch-over date draws ever closer, I’m starting to think that this here Vista computer is beginning to suspect something. The other day, when I went to open my e-mails, a new post had been whisked off to the Junk Mail folder.

The new mail? My Apple e-newsletter. Clearly, Windows is getting nervous, and intends on doing whatever it can to prevent being banished to a cold corner of our basement, where I will likely only ever fire it up to play Solitaire, or light up the furnace room.

You’re goin’ down Windows Vista!!

*****************************************************

Congratulations, Philadelphia Phillies, Word Series Champs (the photo above is a shot of me standing on the ball field, at Citizen’s Bank Park…)

*****************************************************

In all the excitement of posting a link to my Country 105 Radio Star Yout-Ube video yesterday, I neglected to post the usual link to my weekly column, which was online again yesterday:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=143835

Tis the season to celebrate our furry friends!

Chow for now!!

I’m On The Yout-Ube!!

Sorry, folks, just a short one today as we are rushing out the door extra early this morning.

And, I swear, this is absolutely the last time I will gush about the Country 105 Radio Star gig that I won last week. If you want to see just a snippet of the fun we all had in the studio, hit this link:

http://www.country105.com/TheRhodesShow/View.aspx?PostID=12767

But remember, the camera adds a hundred pounds!! Except on the scalp…

Chow for now!!

As usual, I find myself struggling (as I do every year) with what costume I will wear for Halloween. The most important component of ANY costume I ultimately choose will be an ability to conceal that I’m nearing a time when a lot of other people my age would be considering retirement. I can deal with “my, aren’t you husky for your age”, but I get a little uncomfortable when people ask “Grandpa”????

I know, I know – Halloween is for kids. But all that candy!! And all you have to do is walk around your own block to fill up a pillow case full! (Optional component – drive around MULTIPLE areas, especially neighbourhoods with dense housing, so as to avoid all that cumbersome walking…) My sweet tooth just can’t resist!!

I’ve dressed up as Santa in the past, and been told that my mask is “spookily realistic”. Bingo!! Being a ghost has been pretty good too, but I have been questioned when I wear my bifocals on the outside of that costume…

My least successful year – skipped the costume, and went as “middle-aged man”. Considerable resistance to that particular gimmick. Maybe I should have worn an eye patch to try and work an emergency pirate angle into the costume, or elicit a bit of sympathy.

Well, whatever I decide to go with, I had better try to make it relevant. A coat of tinfoil probably won’t qualify as an Iron Man getup.

Sigh…

Chow for now!!

Mac is close…

Mac is so close, I can actually smell the glorious Mac-iness of it – unbridled efficiency, dazzling bells and whistles that actually work – redemption and relief from the land of Microsoft…

As a matter of fact, we are mere dollars away from our goal (switching from PC to Mac) and forever leaving my computer woes behind. Like I told the sales guy this weekend at the Apple Store – Vista is the best thing to happen EVER, if you were even slightly considering moving to a Mac.

Of course, I’ve been bleating about this for over a year now, since we bought our latest PC. Foolishly, with Vista pre-installed. Ever since, my brain has been taxed by programs that don’t work, hardware that no longer cooperates, and a relentless thirst for human blood.

Sorry, that last one may not actually have anything to do with Vista… Damn full moons…

This weekend, we went into the new Apple store in our local mall. We waded through the sea of people inside, standing shoulder to shoulder, but still smiling. Smiling? Hell, they were all humming “I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing, In Perfect Harmony”. It truly must be what heaven is like.

Over to one side, there was a completely unexpected light glowing softly – a light so warm and welcoming, I felt like I was in the presence of my beloved, departed grandmother.

As we drew closer, I could see that it was a notebook computer, one of the models we’ve been considering. Remarkably, no one else was looking at that computer. It was like it had appeared as a vision to just myself, and Mrs. That Dan Guy. A vision of hope, and pure, unadulterated happiness. Doves flew gently overhead, as I moved my unworthy fingers towards the keyboard.

Now, I’ve known for a while that the Mac computers are amazing, and have some rather skookum features. But a salesperson arrived, and started to do a demo that still has my hair standing straight on end, like a newborn orang-utan. Even David Copperfield didn’t impress me as much as that demonstration. I was left aghast, agape, awed.

Now, more than ever, my life depends, nay – clings, on getting my Mac…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Howdy-Doody, upright mammals!!

Fuzzball and I are just taking an easy mornin’ here today, watchin’ Saturday mornin’ cartoons – why, what were YOU thinkin’????

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

What’s that? It’s uh…Sunday mornin’?? Are ya sure??

Crap…

Well, we’re uh…we’re watchin’ “Bite ME”, on The Animal Planet!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Look, I don’t care WHAT yer perverted human minds are processin’ right now, lemme tell ya – Fuzzball and me is just watchin’ some TV, and hidn’ out from that frozen old garage the humans here wanna toss us inta. It ain’t right, I tells ya. I mean, throw me a feather or sumthin’ – my cluckin’ knuckles get frostbitten on that concrete out there!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

What’s that?? Why is Fuzzball turnin’ red and whistlin’?? Why the pluck would I know?? Between you and me, he has the IQ uva piece of popcorn. Maybe he’s just camera-shy…

Hey, Password’s comin’ up, on GSN – why don’ you make like a tumbleweed, and blow away??

But bring us coffee refills, before ya dew…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!

Radio Star For An Hour!!!

(Chicken Scratch is pre-empted for today. Charlie returns tomorrow morning..)

WOW!

What a great time yesterday, live on the air at one of Calgary’s top radio stations – Country 105 FM! I was part of the afternoon drive broadcast – “The Rhodes Show”.

I won the privilege to do that when my entry for their Radio Star contest was chosen as the winning submission – clearly I oversold myself! I may have fibbed a bit, when I suggested that I’ve been a mentor and advisor to Ryan Seacrest…

No matter how I ended up getting my foot in the door, I was determined to make the most of this incredible opportunity, while doing everything I could to ensure that I wouldn’t completely screw up even the simplest little things.

That didn’t go so well. One of my first chances to banter a bit went south when I referred to the delightful co-host “Hot Rod” Harriet as “Hot Dog”. I knew I should have written those names down…

I had a ball, and I have to say, hosts Roger Rhodes, and “Hot Rod” made me feel like a part of the family, if the family were royalty. When I admitted I was nervous, they offered support and assurance I’d be fine. When I was sweating like a yak as soon as the mic went live, they offered paper towel from a safe distance. When I needed my latte stirred to keep the syrup evenly distributed, they laughed like I was kidding. They were an absolute pleasure to work with, if by “work” I’m referring to struggling to remember my own name during station identifications…

I’ve posted a few photos of the hour, from the studio:

http://photoshare.shaw.ca/view/12794618837-1224946211-44123/0

Just can’t say enough about how much fun this gig was. Announcing Bingo numbers at the Legion tonight just ain’t gonna feel the same, since I’ve had a taste of “the big time”…

Chow for now!!