Chicken Scratch

By the beak of my grandfather…

Hello humans.

What you’re witnessin’ today is a bit of my attempt at rewardin’ the little pluckers. Rewardin’ ‘em for good behaviour, which ain’t happenin’ a lot, around here!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ever since these mini-peckers showed up, I been putting ‘my life on hold – tryin’ to do the right thing – by NOT boilin’ ‘em with noodles. Even though it gets more temptin’ by the day.

I never seen such disruptive wahoos – even in the crowd I run with. Hardened criminils ain’t as scary as these three birds!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!!

Last night, I wuz walkin’ along a hallway in the house, and spotted what I thought were dry leaves, scattered everywhere. When I got closer, I could smell it weren’t no leaves – it wuz my Cuban cee-gars!! Shredded!! I coulda cluckin’ killed ‘em right there, but after some sober reflection, I decided to give ‘em one more chance. I gathered the little tweet-makers up, and gave them some chores to do. Which, much to my surprise, they did!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So, I thought I had better give them some little reward, to try and install some good behaviour traits in ‘em. I ain’t sure it’s gonna work, but it’s worth a try.

And this afternoon, what’s left of my Cuban cigar collectin is goin’ on a higher shelf.

My patience ain’t bottomless…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!

Heh Heh Heh…

Well, imagine that…

After grousing a bit about my parents’ pre-pre-pre-dawn flight earlier this week, now WE are currently preparing to dash off to the airport, to catch a similar flight. We’ll certainly be getting our recommended dose of irony today!

Now, you might get the impression that I am kicking back and relaxing, doing this bloggy thing, while Mrs. That Dan Guy is frantically preparing for our departure. Technically, you’d be correct.

However, much of her time is spent with her morning preparation ritual, so actual packing time will consist of stuffing her curlers and shoe horns into a duffle bag – essentially 45 seconds needed for that.

Unpleasant segue:

On a sadder note, we read that Harvey Korman passed away yesterday. We are so thankful to have seen him live last year (with another Carol Burnett Show alumnus – Tim Conway), during his ongoing Together Again tour. Possibly the funniest show we have ever seen, Korman was even funnier live than on that classic television show, and even did stand-up, in addition to recreating outstanding sketch comedy.

A real loss to the comedy world…

Chow for now!!

I get knocked down, but I get back up again.




Who am I kidding? I have not been knocked down. I haven’t even been jostled. For some reason, that song lyric scampered into my noggin, and that was the first thing that I had, to be committed to today’s post.

So, if YOU have been knocked down, please get back up again, and accept my apologies. I didn’t mean to diminish or trivialize your situation - I was just hearing songs in my head.

Sure, it could have been “Tie A Yellow Ribbon ‘Round The Old Oak Tree”, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t tell you that the whole damn bus was cheering, but I could tell you that I got knocked down, and I got back up again. Even if it was a bald-faced lie.

As a matter of fact, that’s about all I can tell you. The rest of the lyrics are a bit fuzzy right now, although I seem to recall a refrain about Tommy Boy. Was it Tommy Boy that got knocked down? Did he get back up again? Is there a Tommy Boy lying on the floor somewhere?

If I got knocked down, I might not get back up again. I might find it extremely comfortable to be lying prone. Depends on the weather I suppose. If it was warm and sunny, I’d certainly enjoy lying prone.

For today, let’s just assume I would have got back up again.

And wrote a real blog…

Chow for now!!

Not a creature was stirring, not even a slot attendant…

Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I have our home back to ourselves, after dropping my parents off at the airport yesterday morning (technically late the night before, given the time of the flight’s departure…). It seems much quieter here this morning.

From the minute my parents touched down here in Calgary, to the day they left - it rained. It rained during the day, and it rained at night. It rained during her afternoon soap opera, making it just a bit more sudsy.

It rained while we ate, and it rained without reprieve every time we stepped out the door to do something.

Yet, as soon as they left, the skies parted, and it has been relentlessly sunny since. I’m not good at reading "signs", so I have no idea what that incessant downpour may have meant. The only thing I can say for sure is that my lawn is scraping my rain gutters, so I had better dig out the lawn mower. MTDG will be busy this evening bringing it back under control.

Overall, and because this is a public forum, I must say that the trip went really well. I’ve learned many new things about seniors that I can use in future humour columns. Like how buffets are an integral part of the circle of life as you age.

Better run. We both get a second cup of coffee today, and I need that sweet nectar of the gods this morning…

Chow for now!!

I wasn’t aware that airlines ran flights this early. It must be a special seniors' fare, the pre-redeye express.

I am typing today’s entry out this morning with one eye open, whilst slurping coffee through a straw. I hope to be awake enough to drive to the airport in 30 minutes, but having had only a couple of hours of sleep, I make no promises. Clearly, even early birds have a better union than I do…

Topping this off, we have failed. Seven Casinos, seven days, stalled one casino short of the goal, a victim of maternal casino overload. As in: “if I never see another #$@& casino, it’ll be too soon!!” Odd, considering the sum extracted over 7 days far outweighed the sum invested. Ah well, spots on a leopard and all that…

I must run. In our kitchen, I have a bowl of sugar to inhale through my nose, and a cold shower that I hope may awaken my legs. With any luck, there will be no other fools awake this time of time of day, to get in the way of my hurtling vehicle…

Chow for now!!

It would appear that as the 2008 “Visit From My Parents” winds down, we have squeezed in almost everything we had hoped to achieve. Aside from world peace, and brass staples.

We opted to pass on the second Wal-Mart store yesterday, in favour of hitting the neighbourhood Canadian Tire. Canadian Tire probably doesn’t sound like much at first blush, but for Canadians, well, it’s an awful lot like Mecca. Not quite Utopia, but damn close. If Utopia stocked Christmas decorations, you’d mix the two up for sure.

I had to run in there yesterday, to pick up a spray bottle. I didn’t even stop to look at tires, or God help us, the day would have been lost.

We were also able to inch ever-closer to our ultimate goal – we hit the sixth of seven casinos yesterday. The Silver Dollar – one of the biggest. And the site of one of my Dad’s biggest wins, on an investment he made in my mother. A substantial jackpot, as the kids say. Although, truth be told, we haven’t seen a whole lot of kids in any of the casinos. I guess school must still be in…

We closed our evening with an engaging game of cards, a game that did not resemble the one Mrs. That Dan Guy and I used to play. But, I suppose that as seniors, you have a right to fiddle a bit with rules and stuff…

It has rained all day, every day of their visit. We have cancelled plans to visit the Calgary Aquatic Centre, as the fish in our back yard have been showing off quite a bit with their leaping skills.

Chow for now!!

We are so close. Victory stands calmly at the adjacent horizon, clearly within our grasp. I’m pretty sure I even saw it wink at us.

Barring any unforeseen complications, my parent’s visit will culminate with our having attended all 7 Calgary-area casinos…

Yesterday, we notched #5 – Cash Casino. One of the largest, we went there early enough to have lunch, so as to allow the entire afternoon for viewing of the establishment. My folks never left the first room we plunked them in. They spent their entire visit in the first space we parked them, which isn’t so bad, considering at least one of them accomplished the ultimate casino goal – taking back more than what they put in.

I must confess, this daily trek to local casinos can get exhausting. I think it may even dim some of the enjoyment Mrs That Dan Guy and I were looking forward to in respect to our own upcoming Vegas trip. We’ll just have to deal with that, I reckon. There’s the inspiring thing about the human spirit – you are always able to tap into some spiritual well deep within yourself, and find a way to forge ahead when life overloads you. Like when MTDG has to choose between three pairs of new shoes, or paying for little Billy’s braces. The kid’s young – there’s plenty of time to reshape those chompers!

We have yet to hit the second Wal-Mart, but that is likely to happen today. And, we are going out on a limb here, but we may include IKEA in our travels. I know, IKEA. Go figure.

Better run. I’m missing all the fun on The Game Show Network…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Oh Dear…

My My…

There certainly are an awful lot of humans lumbering around the house this week…

I count at least four, and they’re making enough of a racket for 20! Some of them don’t ever quit making sounds…

CLUCK!!

I’ve been keeping a low profile, until things cool down around here. Haven’t even seen Charlie, nor his chirpy companions. I see the odd wisp of smoke wafting in corners of the home, so he’s certainly around – just keeping on the low-down himself.

CLUCK!!!

I haven’t even been able to get on a television set – I’m missing valuable PBS time! If I’m not careful, I’ll fall down to Charlie’s IQ!!

CLUCK!!!

Well, there are books here, and they are classics of modern literature. I can always drag a flashlight into this box, and keep my mind alert with the comfort of the written word.

I wonder if I could drag a newspaper up here, and do the Word Jumble??

Oh-Oh…

I think I have to…um...water some ferns…

Hope the coast is clear…

CLUCK!!!

Bye-Bye for now!

I’ll say this about Wal-Mart – when it comes to seniors, they have the customer satisfaction experience nailed, hands down.

Yesterday, on a miserably rainy afternoon, my visiting parents and I prowled the neighbourhood Wal-Mart. Just driving into the parking lot illustrates the reverence they extend to seniors, as trailers and fifth-wheel get-ups have grown roots throughout the retail giant’s paved parking area. A few residents have even erected street signs, and one fellow was mowing the lawn he had laid outside his mobile residence. Who says there’s no such thing as affordable housing anymore??

Once we entered the store, a smiling senior greeter noticed my Dad on his crutches, and offered to bring around a motorized scooter for him. Well, she was more than a bit senior. Is there for a term for “really, really” senior? While we were getting my Dad settled into the scooter, she shared some childhood memories with us - like when she was in school with one of the early pharaohs. She spoke excitedly about when the wheel was invented, like it was just yesterday…

Once she nodded off in mid-sentence, we were able to tiptoe away, and begin shopping. Wal-Mart is a cornucopia of delights for seniors, so my parents scored several treasures to bring back to Winnipeg with them.

We also squeezed in casino # 4 last night – Elbow Casino - not so lucky. No one had
happy elbows on the way out of there.

I also feel some minor casino fatigue setting in. We may have to stay in tonight, and double up on the weekend. Three to go, we’re so close…

Chow for now!!

The 2008 “Visit From My Parents” continues…

Yesterday, Day Two – a third casino. That leaves four to go, so we are somewhat ahead of schedule.

There is some talk of taking a break from casinos today, but that could just be the lack of oxygen from our proximity to the Rocky Mountains.

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, we did indeed drive past many other Calgary landmarks in our travels. I was able to point out the sprawling Calgary Zoo, and the TWO Wal-Marts that our own neighbourhood features. I know, TWO!! We are so blessed…

The casino gods did not favour anyone in our party yesterday, as we all essentially contributed to the various charities that Casino Calgary supports. Which, all things considered is entirely admirable, but we would have appreciated a chance to donate on our own, with proceeds from at least one measly little jackpot. I’m starting to think those slot machines are fitted to the house’s advantage…

Aside from visiting the four corners of Cowtown, we do manage to squeeze in a few other activities as well. Last night, for example, offered the season finales of both Criminal Minds, and CSI: New York, so it’s not like we’re simply involved in trivial pursuits.

Hey, that wouldn’t be a bad name for a board game…

Chow for now!!

7 Casinos. 7 Days….

It’s the 2008 “Visit From My Parents”…

For the first time ever, my parents are in - visiting from Winnipeg. First-time ever for Calgary, as we used to live in Kelowna. It would have been odd for them to visit in Calgary, while we were still living in Kelowna…

Well, enough Canadian geography for now. The important thing is that we will be visiting all seven Calgary casinos over the next…um…70-something hours. No, that’s not quite seven days, is it? 137 hours? 48+48+48+24, carry the two…

Oh, how the hell do I know? The point is, we’ve really only got six days to squeeze in all the culture and sights of Calgary casinos, as they depart at the crack of dawn next week. In about 216 hours. Or so…

Yesterday afternoon, we checked off two on our list: Deerfoot Inn & Casino, plus Grey Eagle Casino – the two furthest from the Such Is Life household. My dad, or “Lucky Magoo” as we call him, struck gold in both, but he did really well in the second casino. Mother was not so lucky. Mrs That Dan Guy and I waited in the car while they played, as we don’t believe in casinos. We will never darken the door of a…ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Who am I kidding??? We were like sailors on shore leave – “Daddy needs new shoes!!”

The nice thing about having seven casinos in one city is that you get to see so much OF the city, while driving to them. We were able to point out the Calgary Tower, Canada Olympic Park, and The Calgary Saddledome, home of our (currently golfing) NHL hockey team.

Today, we’ll drive past many other local landmarks.

Jackpot!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

You know who was a pretty bad role model? Popeye. Popeye the sailor man.

I realize it was a different time then - back when Popeye first became popular. Heck, I even spent many a carefree day watching his cartoon series as a young whippersnapper myself.

I’m not sure if his incessant pipe-smoking influenced my OWN bad habit, but if that is indeed the case, how many other young adults took to puffing on a pipe, to emulate a cartoon icon?

One thing I never was able to accomplish however was his little trick of consuming a can of spinach via the pipe. I did get a lot of tobacco juice dribble-back though, which is gross enough, thank you very much.

So, as a chain-smoking adult (which may have been why his eyes were always so squinty…), Popeye had one strike against him, as a suitable role model for the audience he was appealing to.

For another thing, Popeye’s obsession with forearm development indicates that he may have had some sort of issues regarding his appearance. (I know there's an actual word or term for that, but for Pete's sake, it's barely six AM in my time zone.) Personally, I would have gone to see a plastic surgeon about that bulkhead chin he sported, rather than isolate a workout program for part of my arms, but hey, to each their own.

The point is, he had a problem, which is another reason why he was a bad role model for kids.

Finally (primarily because my stomach is growling and I need some toast with peanut butter and jam), another glaring problem with Popeye as a role model is that he fancied himself a poet. And not a very good one either…

“I’m strong to the finish, ‘cause I eats me spinach…"

?????

Please, take a grammar course. Just because you spend your days at sea, doesn’t mean you can’t learn to speak your native language properly.

Chow for now!!

We have a fine collection of old newspapers.

Well, “we” may be bit too inclusive. Mainly, it is “I”.

And, they aren’t so much “old” as they are unread. Which I will get around to, no matter how long it takes. I will simply store them under end tables, in baskets, under the bed, and in the basement, until I can get around to reading them.

Mrs. That Dan Guy has stumbled on some of these saved newspapers while looking in the pantry, or while choosing one of her festive hats that she enjoys wearing to picnics. She has found some while changing out linens, and even once when she lifted a cushion in the middle of the sectional sofa (nobody sits there anyway).

My problem, as regards these newspapers, is that I can’t bear to part with them until I have at least browsed through them in some fashion. Even if the news (in some isolated cases) may be from November, 2006. If an article is well-written, it will still be enjoyable. And informative. That’s the beauty of a newspaper.

Chow for now!!

I’ve always considered myself to be a rather well-read individual, so today I would like to quote a little line or two from an old volume of an enduring American classic anthology series: Archie Digest.

Here we go:

“Spring is here, the grass is riz,
I wonder where the flowers is…”

Poetry, and fine writing. Does it get any better?

Well, our grass is rizzing, but in some spots, it’s still pretty brown and depressing. Flowers attract bees and bears, so we don’t have any in our yard. But other homeowners were at Home Depot yesterday (as were we), and they were snapping up flowers and potting soil like there was no tomorrow. Which, for the record, is today. Let THEM get stung and then mauled, I say. We’ll be busy relaxing on our lawn chairs, reading new issues of Archie Digest.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Why me, Oh Great Chicken…why me?????

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Happy long weekend, you hairy humans! While yer out goofin’ off this weekend, ole Charlie here is havin’ to teach the dumbest little chickens I ever saw, how to behave. It ain’t easy, lemme tell ya…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now that a coupla weeks has passed, and these pint-sized chirpers show no indication of goin’ back where they came from, I find myself in the unlikely role of playin’ Yoda, to a buncha birds that ain’t even smart enough ta grow feathers yet. My burden lays heavy…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Yesterday’s lesson – my booze bottles are NOT bowlin’ pins – I couldn’t believe my bleary eyes when I got up, and heard these wanna-be turkeys rollin’ a rubber ball at my gin!! Thank God nuthin’ broke THIS time, but if I don’t nail everythin’ down – well, I just don’t even wanna think about it. My ticker can’t take this kinda stress! I think one a my eyeballs is startin’ to bulge!!

Can chickens get shingles??????

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Alright Charlie…settle down… I just need ta get some patience, and impart my earthly wisdom onta these dum-dums…

I need another cuppa coffee. And it might not hurt to throw a little sumthin’ extra in, just to lure Grandpa Calm out for a visit…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

Here’s how I seen this – whole wheat pasta is not nearly as bad as you might expect…

Granted, we’ve only tried whole wheat spaghetti and macaroni, here in the test kitchen of the Such Is Life household. But results have, overall, been extremely positive.

The stick test, where you fling either macaroni or spaghetti at the wall to ensure that it is fully cooked and ready for consumption, worked well with both traditional and whole wheat products. The tests have also made for some interesting patterns on our otherwise dull kitchen walls…

We’ve tried the same thing with pasta sauce, and found that to be one hell of a mess, streaming down the wall. Mrs. That Dan Guy has suspended all future sauce testing, outside of sipping a small slurp from a wooden spoon. It is far more authentic to sip from a wooden spoon if you have a white chef’s hat, and a pencil-thin moustache, so we’re working on accenting any existing lip lawn we both already maintain. We are constantly striving for authenticity here in the Such Is Life test kitchen…

Tonight, while MTDG is changing from her work apparel, I intend on testing meatballs, in similar pasta fashion. Do you suppose, are they supposed to stick, or is “bounce” the measuring stick for perfection??

I guess I’ll find out…

Chow for now!!

I am often faced with moral dilemmas. Typically, they centre around finding lost food items in crevasses – like within the cushions of a couch or a chair.

If the item is a piece of chocolate, then it is pretty much a no-brainer. With a bit of dusting off, consumption is inevitable.

The grey areas arise when discovery of something like a potato chip, or unshelled peanut is made. A peanut can occasionally be given the customary dusting, and all is well, but potato chips, well, potato chips seem to attract unwanted lint, hair, and other unrecognizable composites. No matter how much you blow on it, there’s always something that lingers, to foul the enjoyment after you start to chew on it. I am usually 50/50 to go on a potato chip that I find under a couch cushion.

OK, 70/30…

What is YOUR practice, when it comes to found foods? I understand some people simply discard whatever they find under cushions and such, but that seems a bit of a waste to me. I consider these discoveries as hidden treasures, although if I can’t get them sufficiently cleaned, those treasures can taste like you’re licking a cat…

Chow for now!!

I suppose you could say I'm simply proud of my work.

I suppose you could say that seeing as how my column has appeared online two weeks in a row, I just wanted to toot my own horn.

Or, I could admit that there is a bit of laziness in plunking down this link:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=109214

and saving my still-sleepy brain from having to write about staples, or animals that appear in the dictionary before "aardvark".

At any rate, check out today's newspaper column, a timely and entirely masculine point of (pop culture) view...

Chow for now!!

Wow! Tuesday the 13th – a day considered completely unlucky by scores of people worldwide.

This is not the day to see a black cat walk across your path – especially a black cat that is being chased by an alligator. An alligator that spots you out of the corner of his eye, and decides that a scrawny little cat probably isn’t worth the effort anyway, if he can successfully grab you by the one bad ankle that’s been bothering you since you missed the last couple of stairs on your front stoop last night, because you were too engrossed in the epic Coldplay song on your i-Pod. At that moment, you will regret the day you decided to quit practicing your high school track-and-field workouts…

Today will also not be the day you want to accidentally walk under a ladder, especially if the ladder is attached to a fire engine, battling a highrise fire, and the firemen happen to drop a piano they have been trying to save from the crackling flames. As the instrument plummets down towards you, you will have the oddest déjà-vu of an Acme safe falling from a cliff in the desert.

I guess if Tuesday the 13th is a superstition of yours, you will not want to spill any slat today. There’s another one of those subliminal typos of mine. I obviously meant to say salt, but is there any reason why spilling slats would be any less unlucky??

Happy Tuesday the 13th – be careful out there today…

Chow for now

5:15 AM

Awoke to a bit of a chill in the home this morning. While it was hot enough yesterday to (finally) shut off the furnace, and crack open a few windows, temperatures plummeted last night, dropping the thermostat reading a full two degrees by the time I crawled out of bed moments ago. Placed warm toast on my lap – feeling slowly returning to my legs…

5:25 AM

Clearly our paper boy works bankers’ hours – where in tarnation is my newspaper?? Is it too much to expect, having something timely and thought-provoking delivered by 4 AM?

5:32 AM

Pretty much given up on ever seeing my paper this morning. Guess I’ll have to try eating my cereal without it. I can always thumb through the Yellow Pages…

5:33 AM

Where in tarnation do we keep the Yellow Pages…

5:47 AM

I had no idea that there were so many metal recyclers in Calgary. And bail bondsmen. I wonder if any of them know Dog The Bounty Hunter??

5:48 AM

Our paperboy must be awakening at the crack of noon today – I remain paperless. If I had a bird, the poor thing would be crossing his legs, waiting for fresh newspaper…

5:55 AM

Mrs. That Dan Guy has offered to drive to the corner store, and pick me up “a frickin’ newspaper”. Sheesh! I’m just wondering what happened to the poor kid – sorry for being concerned about a fellow citizen!

6:01 AM

Hey, I didn’t know the Game Show Network was on this early!! I love these old episodes of Password Plus…

I suppose I can always shower tomorrow morning…

*****************************************************************************

Chow for now!!