So, yesterday I was practicing for my proposed “Annual Walk-Like-A-Crustacean Day”, and I noticed Mrs. That Dan Guy quietly boiling a very large pot of water. She’s quite the card, MTDG…

Wow! New Year’s Eve already! Where did the year go? I had big plans for 2007, big plans I tell ya. A road trip with Charlie, more videos with Fuzzball, moister elbows…but the year just seemed to fly by. No time, no time…

So, what plans have YOU got, to celebrate the incoming new year? A big shindig? A little shindig? Anything at all to do with shins?

Being old farts here in the Such Is Life household, we are planning to avoid noisy crowded soirees and drunk-ass drivers, and just stay home. We’ll probably even go one step further, and watch senior citizen Dick Clark’s “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” broadcast on an early Eastern feed, so that we can get our achy old carcasses into the hay well before midnight. Hey, we don’t even know what midnight LOOKS like anymore…

So, if you are out painting the town red tonight, remember to buy your paint thinner BEFORE the stores close, and for the love of Pete, be careful out there. Don’t drink and drive, and for that matter, you may not even want to play the accordion and drive.

Happy New Year!!

Chow for now!!

Today, I am trying to launch “Annual Walk-Like-A-Crab Day”. You probably remember doing this when you were a kid, but why not as an adult? Why should kids get to have all the fun??

Go ahead, give it a try! As I recall, rather than walking along on your hands and knees, you put your arms behind you (whilst facing upwards), and thrust your torso towards the sky. Then you move around as best as you can, in this entirely awkward position.

Unless that’s a lobster. I think crabs really just walk sideways. One way or the other, maybe I should consider “Annual Walk-Like-Your-Favorite-Crustacean Day”?

Rock lobster!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

So you got five toes on each a' yer feet – ya think that makes ya better than me?!?!?

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Charlie’s got a few tips today, fer plannin’ yer New Year’s Eve parties. Not that y'asked, but to be honest, if yer head wasn’t attached t’yer shoulders, you probably wouldn’t be pickin’ yer nose right now!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, ya might wanna grab a piece a paper and a crayon. Here we go:

1) Attire: That will depend on how formal the evenin’ is gonna be. Dress casual, black tie, or buck nekked. I been feather-free for mosta my life, and I try not to go outta my way just for a stupid party. I say buck nekked…
2) Transportation: Charlie likes a good time as much as the next guy, but seriously – be responsible. DO NOT chug-a-lug a barrel of paint thinner, then drive across town! Make arrangements to cab home, then bolt once you get at the street before your real home!
3) Gift for party hosts: Ha Ha Ha Ha!! YOU’RE the gift!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

4) Spirits: Here’s where ya really need ta pay attention. Stores will be closed once ya start gettin’ good an’ whiskered, so for the pluckin’ luvva Leghorn – remember to buy enough booze ta see ya through until ya gotta start sippin’ on the hosts’ supply. And remember – variety!! Me, I like my gin, but by about 11:00 PM, it can be fun ta mix a little tequila inta the pitcher, or Amaretto. Wine is for wusses. Ya won’t see any self-respectin’ chicken sippin’ onna glass a Chardonnay just before New Year’s.
5) Locations of every toilet and sink in the house: When yer cookies are needin’ to be free, ya can’t be wonderin’ where “The Crapper” is. Make that yer priority, as soon as ya arrive…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

There’s probably more to relay onta ya, but I’ve been getting’ prepped for a few hours already, even though the big day is still a few away. Never too early. Ah crap, I didn’t pick up smokes… Cluckin’ hell!!!!! Where’d I put my pants???

Cluck fer now!!

Dear Santa,

Looking forward, I should probably first mention how thankful I am that Christmas 2007 was such a good year for the Such Is Life household. You rock, bearded dude!!

But it’s never too soon to get started with planning for a new year, so here are just a few items, for your consideration. You can’t say I didn’t give you plenty of notice!!

1) It would be great if you could make the grass start to grow back, where the sun seems to miss it in our backyard. I know you may not have much experience with raising things from the dead, but it would be nice if you could try and get to this one early, in time for barbeque season…
2) I would like to ask you for good health. Not for us, for Barry Manilow – for when we return to see him in Las Vegas, we’d really appreciate it if his aged carcass was onstage…
3) Again, if you could attend to this one promptly (hey, you only work one day a year –quit groaning), I would ask you to help end the writer’s strike in Hollywood, so that I don’t miss any fresh episodes of “All In The Family”.
4) Three words – Tuba Quest 2008!!
5) You know, all kidding aside, I could use some new socks, and a tie.
6) A Michael Bolton box CD set. Man…
7) Some sort of block on Mrs. That Dan Guy’s Blackberry wireless handheld, that will prevent her from beating my current high score on Brick Breaker…
8) Less vegetables, unless you’re talking potato “chips”…
9) Psychic powers, but I’d only need them long enough to pick the mega-lotto winners…
10) Finally, my best gift of all would be a lightning bolt that strikes all the programmers of Microsoft Vista, while they are lounging in their bathtubs.

Thanks in advance,

That Dan Guy

Chow for now!!

Why Airplanes Were Invented…

It’s a 2 hour flight, from Calgary to Winnipeg. 2 hours!!! Even factoring in getting to the airport early to check in, then retrieving luggage, renting a car, and helping achieve world peace before you get on your way, you’re only looking at a total time commitment of maybe 4 hours, max.

We arrived back home here in Calgary at 2:30 AM this morning, after leaving Winnipeg by car at around 11:30. Which was the soonest we could leave, after having emergency repairs to replace a starter that either died of natural causes, or froze permanently after our plunge into a ditch on the way to Winnipeg. Either way, it was as efficient at starting our car as plugging it into an apple overnight…

So, math aside, that’s a long bloody day, driving mostly as if we were being chased by Hannah Montana fans that had just seen the object of their enthusiasm. Like we were being pursued by alligators with booster packs.

So, at the end of the day, we made it there and back, and the visits with family made it all worthwhile. But we will probably consider an airplane the next time we head out, into the Canadian winter…

Chow for now!!

Good news, bad news…

Drum Quest 2007 has been successfully fulfilled, as you can see by the delightful mini-bongo at the top of the page. There will be music, upon our return to Calgary!!

The bad news – our complications from off-roading enroute to Winnipeg have continued. Last night, leaving my parents’ home after Christmas celebrations, the flippin’ vehicle wouldn’t start. Start being the key word. Our starter is either still frozen, or f’ed, either way, we had to have it towed to a shop, which we hope will be open today. Our planned departure to get Mrs. That Dan Guy back to work tomorrow is now rather unlikely.

Ho Ho Frigin’ Ho…

Chow for now!!

Bird Brains

Greetings, featherless mammals. Cornelius D. Chicken here, a cousin of your friend Charlie. I came into town to wish him a “Happy Birthday” today, as he turns one whole year old. Pretty young to be smoking and drinking in human years, but unfortunately legal in chicken age…

And Merry Cluckin’ Christmas to y’all! Pretty darn cold out here. It is unfortunate that we were both plucked at a young age, and never able to grow our feathers back. Might also explain why I can’t fly. I’ll tell you, as a bird, it really sucks the big potato if you can’t lift off, know what I mean…

Charlie might have made a guest appearance himself today, but he discovered something called Jack Daniels, and has some Christmas bells of his own going off in his head. He was an unsightly shade of green when last I saw him.

Well, I should probably run myself. I’ve got to touch up my home perm before we head out to Christmas dinner later today.

Have a faaaaaab-u-lous day, and if you’re sticking a fork into some unfortunate turkey around dinner time, remember those that have fallen, for your pleasure.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Cluckers!!

So far, the family portion of this trip is going well. Other parts, not so good...

We had our first visit yesterday with some family members, but when we went to leave, my vehicle wouldn't start. Seems like the starter may have froze up when we hit the ditch teh other day. Ugh! Plus we still have to get a tire repaired, which we are on our way to do right now. Ho Ho Ho!!

We also went to The Forks yesterday, in search of some honey. Couldn't find any. A new supplier instead, which we didn't care to see. Wattaya gonna do??

Off to find a tire repair joint!!

Chow for now!!

Winter Wonderland

Greetings, any of you not out doing last-minute Christmas shopping today! Enjoy your Ultimate Fighting Experience in the malls!!

I’ve got a little story to share today, the story of two crazy travelers that decided it might be fun to drive across Canada. In the winter. Did I already mention Canada and winter??

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided at the last minute (last week) to drive out to Winnipeg (just south of The North Pole) to visit family over Christmas. Just a few days – a short, whirlwind dose of family for the holidays.

However, due to a lack of advance planning (and any excess of active brain cells), we decided it might be fun to take a little road trip. Across Canada. In the winter…

We left Alberta yesterday morning, bright and early. Even the sun was still sleeping in when we pulled out of our driveway.

Despite worries, once we hit the highway, the roads were clear and dry - not even a skiff of snow. We were able to focus on enjoying our in-dash Karaoke. Nothing beats the boredom of the open road like sing-songs with the legendary Engelbert Humperdinck…

We had breakfast along the way, and eventually entered Saskatchewan (a real name, I’m not making that up), Canada’s side-by-side refrigerator freezer with Manitoba. Again, no snow, not even a skiff. It was dandy.

We stopped for a lunch break in Moose Jaw (again, a real name. You really can’t make this stuff up. Don’t even get me started on Carrying The Kettle First Nations…) From there, MTDG took over the driving, while I kept an ongoing count of the roadside critter carnage. If you’re a deer reading this today – STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM SASKATCHEWAN HIGHWAYS!! Over the course of our travel through that province, we spotted numerous deceased deer, a dead coyote, a dead pheasant, a dead owl, and even what we thought might have been a dead wolf. This may soften my difficulties with PETA, once I report this killer province to them!

Anyhoo, all was going well, until Manitoba. We finally started to see some evidence of snow by that point. And rolling fog. But still, considering we were traversing Canada, in the winter, not too shabby.

Then things started to go awry. By the time we hit Brandon, there was blowing snow that developed into white-out conditions. Sure, you could FEEL the highway under the truck, but where you were ON it was a vague question mark…

We forged on, eager to finally arrive in Winnipeg after hours and hours and hours and hours in a moving tin can. By this time, even Engelbert was starting to grate on our nerves.

I guess family members had been watching weather and road conditions, because we started to get some text messages asking if we were OK, and who would get our big screen TV in case anything HAD happened.

By this time, just past Portage la Prairie (a French term for “carry a field in your pocket), things looked pretty good, and we were pretty determined to just get the hell to Winnipeg. This close, we thought we were out of the woods. Not that we were ever in any actual woods, but we were driving by some forests.

We texted and e-mailed everyone that we were fine, and just 30 kilometres outside of the city. Mere minutes from arrival.

Here’s the irony part of the story. Within two minutes of letting everyone know we were OK, and almost safely in, a semi blew by us, totally whiting out the road. Had to hit the brakes. For future reference, NEVER hit the brakes on an icy highway. The last thing we saw was a striped pole, which I thought was the back of the semi, and MTDG thought was a gas line. Turned out to be the last pole on the roadside, as we plummeted full-steam into the ditch. Into snow that was up to our knees, once we got out of our Jeep. Burgundy, thanks for asking.

Obviously we’re here, as you are reading today’s posting. We had a Good Samaritan stop and offer to help, but the most amazing part was an AAA tow truck that appeared almost right away, as he happened to be in the area. He had us out in just a few minutes, and back on our way in no time. We saw (within seconds) a sign saying we were just 15 kilometres out of town. That close…

Anyhow, we arrived at our hotel hours after we were supposed to. But we arrived. Holy Toledo!!

As a side note, we had a full moon lighting our way for most of our trip. Almost like a northern star. Something was sure with us last night!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Shiver me timbers, my smooth-skinned friends! It’s cluckin’ cold out there this morning!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I really need to arrange some indoor bathroom facilities here – going outside in the winter is for the pluckin’ birds!!

Anyhoo, the big day is comin’ up quick, so I gotta give ya some gift ideas, so as to maximize my stack a gifts, Christmas mornin’. If I wait for the roommates, I’ll be lucky if I get a freakin’ necktie!! They ain’t all that bright here…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Oh yeah, if you’re havin’ trouble readin’ the cartoon I posed with today, double-click on the picture. I think that makes it bigger, but I been wrong, before, and frankly – I don’t give a feathery buttock if ya can read it or not!

Humans……..

So, my gift list, if yer so inclined to play Sanny Claus:

-A new ball cap. I said it was cold, ain’t ya listenin’???

-The new Celine Dion CD and DVD set. I told ya I needed something for my indoor plumbin’!!

-6 Chicks a layin’. I have no idea where that classic 12 days of Christmas song mentions geese a layin’, but Charlie prefers his chicks. Yeh, baby.

-Any size product by my cousin, Wild Turkey.

-Peace on earth. Hey, I ain’t entirely selfish!

Merry Cluckin’ Christmas To All, And To All A Good Sight!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

OK, I have planted a little diversion for Mrs. That Dan Guy this morning (a shoe catalogue), in the hopes of getting this post past her notice. She seems to be struggling with embracing DRUM QUEST 2007…

So, I may only have but a short time to reiterate my case here, before she browses through the lovely colour photos of hundreds of new shoes, most of which she owns already anyway. But, I digress…

Ladies and gentlemen, I solemnly promise that I will NEVER hold out my hand again, if we can come to some sort of terms on this DRUM QUEST 2007. Why, I’m virtually giddy with excitement, thinking about MTDG awakening Christmas morning, to the enthusiastic sounds of “Wipe-out”, or “Smoke On The Water”, or at least what I hope will sound like the drum sections of those songs.

And, here’s the best part! You’ll be helping me get a jumpstart on my 2008 fitness plan! That’s right people, drums are hard work! Drums require lots of arm-flailing, which I believe is the seated equivalent of jogging. You’d pretty much be saving my life, by contributing to DRUM QUEST 2007!!

So, here’s the deal. Simply mail a set of new or used drums (try not to cheap out) to the address on my “Contact Me” page on my website, which you can hit via my Blogger Profile. I will then send out a tax-deductible receipt that will not be recognized by any government agency.

This humble man thanks you in advance. Now, hurry your ass up, and get those drums in the mail!!

Chow for now!!

DRUM QUEST 2007

Due to high demand (from within my own head), I’m launching a rather late campaign to help bring the pounding rhythms of drums to the Such Is Life Household.

All kidding aside, I’ve often considered that I may be a natural-born drummer. I’ve never actually been on a set of drums before, but that shouldn’t predispose a person from grasping at a dream. A dream to march to my own beat. A dream to “snare” a set of drums!

And, this isn’t one of my typical selfish pipedreams this time! Mrs That Dan Guy has ALSO hinted in the past that she’d like to become a drummer. Man, to see MTDG doing her air drums routine alone makes this plea all the more worthwhile. You could help put real drumsticks in her hands!!

So, I realize that I’ve left this kind of last minute, but really, anything would help to move this up to the next level, and make DRUM QUEST 2007 a reality. A set of bongos, a tambourine…ANYTHING drum related. I know a large Chinese gong is maybe getting my hopes up, but…

Ah, I just have to go for it. Santa never sleeps, especially when a dream is on the line. A dream, and a calling that I can hear in the quietest moments of the night. “Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum”.

Thank you.

Chow for now!!

Man, I got me some pep in my step this morning! Yabba Dabba Doo!!

Did you ever have one of those mornings where you really wished you had a set of drums? I could be serenading Mrs. That Dan Guy right now (as she’s getting ready to go to work), with a hearty rendition of “Let There Be Drums”!

Do I know how to play a set of drums? Well, no, but frankly I’ve never let little minor obstacles like musical capabilities stand in the way of my (pipe) dreams. Whatever I might end up playing probably wouldn’t sound like the original composition, but I’m sure she’d embrace my hearty attempts. Volume, they say, covers many flaws!!

You know, we do have some old pots and pans in the basement that we were planning on donating. Maybe I’ll set them up in the kitchen, and test-drive the waters a bit, so to speak. I wonder if I still have that old muppet costume up in the attic? It has been some time since I went out for Halloween as Animal…

Chow for now!!

Nanu Nanu!!

Just sayin’…

Holy Tuxedo, it’s getting’ pretty close to Dec. 25th! There’s less than a week now to get off your cabooses, and finish up your shopping, get your cards in the mail, all that fun holiday stuff.

Unless you’re some sort of weirdo, and you’ve already gone and done it all by now. Where’s the fun in that? Jostling with fellow shoppers in a crowded mall – discovering that even 27-piece tool sets have long since sold out, never mind the most popular gifts this year. THAT’S the spirit of Christmas!!

Here at the Such Is Life household, we’re taking pretty much the same approach we do every year. We discuss getting things done in November, then forget it entirely until about this time of December, and suddenly we spend the next few evenings running around like Charlie with his head cut off (ha ha ha!!), wrestling with some remarkably fit senior for the last box of Pot Of Gold chocolates.

Anyway, consider this my last warning – for this years’ Christmas tasks - get out there, and “git ‘er done”!!

Chow for now!!

Whew! Rough night last night. Didn’t get much sleep at all, for a combination of reasons. I feel like an old left-over Eggo waffle that’s been run over by a mini-van. Very sluggish…

I have all the consistency this morning of a bowl of Pork ‘N Beans, that’s been left sitting at the table too long…

I’ve got about as much pep in my step as a plastic fern. I’ve got less vim and vinegar in me today than a wooden shoe.

If personal energy levels gave off a measurable electrical force, I wouldn’t be able to power up an electric toothbrush.

My zip-a-dee-do-dah is mourning the loss of zip-a-dee-ay….

Like a dog, I’m feeling “ruff”…

Chow for now!!

Pretty overcast for a “Sun”day. Just sayin’…

So, we’re getting pretty close to crunch time, if you’re Christmas shopping for friends and family that live out of town. Canada Post, U.S. Post, Fed-Ex – they all have limited capabilities for delivering parcels that you’ve wrapped up, just in time for Dec. 24th. Those probably won’t make it to their intended recipients on time.

So, if you’re struggling with what to get that particular group of people, here’s a few handy suggestions, free of charge no less, to ease your burden, and ensure that your Christmas packages arrive in plenty of time:

a) Weed N Feed – who doesn’t have lawn in their yard, and the frustrating weeds that come along with it? This will be a cherished and appreciated gift, once opened.
b) A dog collar – it works if they already have a dog, and promises of the joy to come if they don’t. And, if you’ve ever seen “Pulp Fiction”…
c) Macaroni – It’s a tasty treat, AND a godsend for crafters. Get your weekly required dosage of carbs, or create an entire army of smiling cotton ball snow-people!!
d) Snowman Poop – Who doesn’t appreciate a good laugh around the holiday season. But PLEASE – make sure you’ve bought the novelty ones made from mini-marshmallows, NOT the packages a disgruntled neighbourhood kid is selling…
e) A harmonica – when you want to give the gift of music, but just can’t afford to ship a set of bagpipes…
f) CD’s – I understand you can pick up last year’s Paris Hilton CD for less than a dollar now…and I guarantee you, NOBODY has heard it!!
g) Light bulbs – who hasn’t had a light bulb burn out, only to find that they don’t have any lying around the basement? Give the gift of illumination this year!
h) A mouse – relive that classic holiday poem on Christmas morning, when they open up a box and a wee mouse jumps out! “Not a creature is stirring” – now it is!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Up your nose, with a rubber hose, feather-free mammal people!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Yer lookin’ at a sorrowful group here, my big-eared friends. My buddies and I are shown havin’ a little bonding time, after the memorial service for our pal Willard P. Mallard – one damn fine duck. A victim of fowl play. He choked on frozen bread crumbs. Hell of a way to go…

So, we had a service yesterday, and a few of us birds had a chance to remember ole Willie. As ducks go, he was no chicken, but us feathered folks gotta stick together. We’re all part of the same big flock, if ya know what I mean. Feathers are thicker than water. Or some other crappy sayin’ that sounds like that…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Willard was a free spirit, who waddled wherever the pluck he wanted to. He’d always be up for a game of “Duck Duck Goose”, or just goosing in general. Hey, ducks like getting’ goosed too!

One thing I remember the most about Will was that he had always hoped to go to medical school, but we used to tease him about that. I’d tell him “Why does the medical community need another quack?”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!!!

Ooooooh. I think I made my head hurt with that one. I gotta go lie down…

Cluck for now!!

Today will likely be the last of the TV catch-phrase instalments, but I suppose never say never, eh??? I'm pretty sure (by the way) that instalment is spelled incorrectly, but Spell-Check says it's right, so who am I to argue??

OK, so I promised yesterday that we’d reflect on the popular jargon of Fonzie, from the beloved long-running sitcom “Happy Days”, who was often known to famously utter:

“Aaaay”

“Whoa!”

and also occasionally

“Cool it”.

Man, they just don’t write TV like that anymore… Denny Crane.

*******************************************************

So, we missed out on seeing Bon Jovi last night, as they rolled back through town for the second time, in under 5 months. Sold out again. Ya snooze ya lose, as Charlie might say to help console us.

In honour of their visit, I have spritzed my hair to resemble as closely as possible Mr. Bon Jovi’s classic “do” from the 1980’s. One notable difference is the wider “part” I have between both sides… Some might better describe it as “an over-abundance of scalp”…

Hey, I have a buddy (and frequent contributor to these postings) in Winnipeg that looks an awful lot like Jon Bon Jovi! I’m going to see if I have a picture kicking around, and try to get that posted over the next few days. We’ll do a comparison.

Chow for now!!

And this is how I so often find that I have painted myself into a corner…

The other day I made a comment about TV catchphrases, and then I got distracted by something bright and shiny. In this case, my computer screen, I suppose. I could also blame this lapse on Microsoft Windows’ Vista, which I still believe is The Devil incarnate, trying to destroy mankind by thwarting technology. But that’s beside the point. May Bill Gates begin to grow oranges under his armpits…huge, sweaty oranges.

So, the TV catchphrase I alluded to following up on was Jimmy “J.J.” Walker’s famous blurb on that old 70’s sitcom classic “Good Times”. However, after surfing The Google (NOT Microsoft – Yay Google!! You go, G.), I found that Mr. Walker’s repertoire of exclamations to be rather limited. To be honest, I had hoped for a bit more.

So, here we go:

“Dyn-O-Mite!!!”

And the only other one I could find:

“Kid Dyn-O-Mite!!”

Now, let me assure you, these limited catchphrases were hilarious back in the day. Even just typing them onto the page brought a little chuckle out.

And here’s a sidebar to this wacky little (derailed) train of thought. MTDG & I actually SAW Jimmy “J.J.” Walker Live, at a comedy club several years back. He was terrific, a real pro – funny as you might expect. But I think “Dyn-O-Mite” was off-limits at that stage of his career.

Ah, the circle of life…

Coming up soon – The Fonzie, who I think had a much wider range in his exclamatory catch-phrases…

Chow for now!!

12 12 07. Cool!

I am stuck on Band-Aids, cause Band-Aids stick on me.

Just sayin’…

I recently became the proud new owner of an over-sized pen. It was in a gift basket we acquired over the weekend. Maybe you’ve seen these things? They look like they might be more appropriate for Shaquille O’Neal, or The Giant from Jack & The Beanstalk. Makes me laugh whenever I use it. And, I always lower my voice, even if there’s no one else around to hear it. Go figure…

Now I need to find a giant-sized notepad, and some giant-sized envelopes, and I’ll feel like a giant myself, as I write a little letter to somebody. Somebody really short.

Anybody out there done with their holiday shopping? We haven’t even started yet. What’s the rush, I figure? All we need to do is relax, it will all work out in the end. No matter how much we drag our feet, we always come through in the end.

The end. Now there’s a good thought.

Chow for now!!