Holy Toledo!!

It’s almost flippin’ December! What happened to November? I had big pans for this month.

Ha! I think I’ll leave that typo in. Big pans. Yessir, I had really big pans in November, and we cooked up all kinds of wonderful meals in them. The best one may have been German sausages, simmered in melted cheese, with cornmeal muffins.

As for any PLANS I may have had for November, well – that’s all water under the fridge now. Although, we did have a rather hectic month, what with a few road trips and other commitments.

I also found out this month that Stitches, The Journal Of Medical Humour folded. Over the years, I’ve had a number of pieces published in that national magazine, and they had accepted two more pieces prior to deceasing. That would go a long way to explaining why I haven’t seen a copy of those pieces, or more importantly, the dough that accompanies them.

Ugh…

Well, back to the drawing board. That means I’ve got two more pieces that may find life elsewhere. I just have to find a magazine with the similar medical slant that those guys preferred in their submissions.

They were pretty whimsical though. I don’t think they’d fit in Cadaver Monthly….

Chow for now!!

MTDG

Miller, The Draft Genuine

Might Tickle That Girl

Must Toss Dis Gum

Mighty Teeth Dent Grape

More Terrific Dashing Guy (hmm...not a bad new title for this page...)

Mucho Terrible Dancing Guy

Many Threads Do Gather

Merit The Dog Thunder (?????)

My Throat Does Gargle

Money This, Doogie Guy!! (????)

Mundane Thoughts, Done Gooder

My Theory Decrees Grandeur

Must These Dimwitties Go (on)????

Chow for now!!

I have decided that I am able to foretell the future. I’ve probably had “the gift” all along, I just wasn’t attuned to it. All the years that I’ve read my daily horoscope may have sharpened it a bit, but as of this moment, I am willing to put my powers to use, for the benefit of mankind.

So, with a bold statement like that, you’re probably expecting some sort of proof of these amazing powers. Well, you’re gonna have to go whistle, because this morning, my muse is weak, like the coffee I accidentally made by running the same grinds through the coffee maker from yesterday. Boy, I should have been able to see THAT coming, being able to tell the future and all…

However, weakened as I am, I can still toss out a few noodles, so as to dazzle and impress you:

-The Calgary Flames will lose another game, very soon.
-Charlie D. Chicken will appear in this very space, Saturday morning.
-Our milk will go sour in exactly two weeks.
-I will be rejected during my audition for Yodel Idol.
-This spring, many species of birds will migrate back to this country.
-Mrs. That Dan Guy will have a bad hair day sometime next week, and will kick an empty Kleenex box in abject frustration.
-Every morning for the next week, I will eat a cookie after I arise.
-Britney Spears will be videotaped passing gas in court.
-On Saturday, Dec. 1, there will be a point in the day where clocks read 12:34 PM for 60 full seconds.
-Within five minutes of finishing today’s blog, I will walk into a wall or a coffee table.

Amazing, eh?? I know, I’m like that Amazing Crestor guy that used to be on TV. I vow that I will never use my powers for personal gain.

But I may use them to avoid banging into those coffee tables…

Chow for now!!

We have achieved snow here in Calgary, and this time it looks like it might stay – at least until a balmy Chinook breezes in, and melts it away/makes flowers sprout/causes the lawn to begin growing again/generally makes things nice and warm again. We love our Chinooks. Hey, wouldn’t that be a great name for a hockey team??

So, I must now confess that we have just returned from a very short, short, short return trip to Winterpeg, which coincided with their loss in the Grey Cup final. For anyone we didn’t get to see, we sincerely apologize, but between the lack of time, and the flippin’ snow that was coming down Monday – well, we just didn’t get to make as many rounds this time. On the plus side (depending on your perspective), we will be back.

Our flight back home yesterday was on a primitive puddle-jumper. No TV, not even music channels. You can even watch TV while horseback riding now, so I don’t know what we did wrong to get ripped off so badly. Even the in-flight magazines (I would normally ignore aside from being a good place to dispose of my used chewing gum) were non-existent. I might have actually tried to read one, and learn about some exotic vacation destination that the airline flies to, masquerading as a piece of composition. They’re crafty, those in-flight magazines…

So, we ended up playing the sole game that comes installed on our Blackberry handhelds – an updated version of Pong. Which for the record, I have mastered months ago. And which Mrs. That Dan Guy whupped my caboose after just a few tries, almost doubling my highest score. I should have recognized all the signs (no TV, no music, no hope), and known that I was doomed from the get-go…

Chow for now!!

Sigh…

Bummer, man. I had so much confidence that my hometown (original hometown, not the two most recent hometowns) Winnipeg Blue Bombers were going to slaughter the Green Team from Saskatchewan. And yet, they did not – falling to defeat in the championship game. I am crushed, a broken man. It is entirely unlikely anything will bring cheer back to me, today.

Hey, I’ve got Rice Krispy Square for breakfast!! Yowza! Yabba Dabba Doooooooo!!!!!

Happy days are here again!

So, now I have absolutely NO sporting events to get excited about until the Stanley Cup playoffs, later this summer. I don’t follow pro cricket, volleyball, Nascar, lacrosse, dodgeball, tennis, golf, pillow-fighting, badminton, horseshoes, basketball, or hopscotch. I do watch a bit of poker, but some would suggest that’s not really a sport. To them I say – fooey! I can’t really back that up with an explanation, but how often do you get to say fooey, anyhow??

Chow for now!!

Go Bombers!!

Today is the Canadian Football League's Grey Cup final - and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers are going to whip some Saskatchewan patootie later this afternoon!

Of course, I'm rooting for the Bombers because we're from Winnipeg originally, but I'd be lying if I didn't say we rooted for B.C. when we lived there, and currently cheer on the Calgary Stampeders, seeing as how we hang our cowboy hats there, these days. Flexibility is handy, when one moves relatively frequently...

So, for any Canadian sports fans, this is a day that could be compared to the U.S. Super Bowl, or Sweden's Skittles Finale. It's big. Huge. Like seeing Lionel Ritchie live in the 80's.

You know, we've never seen Lionel Ritchie live. Wonder if he still tours??

At any rate, sometime this evening the Blue Bombers will be hoisting the championship trophy, and we'll know deep in our hearts that our support was instrumental in that success. All in a day's work, here at Such Is Life.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh.............

Daddy's gonna need some quiet time today.....

AAAAWK!!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn........

The roomies went out to an office Christmas party last night. Which left me alone here in the coop. Found a stash, and the rest is history. Me noggin is foggin'...

AAAAWK!!!

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnuuuuuuuu.............

Oh oh...here comes my breakfast burrito!!!

Cluck for now!!

Hey!

Hey!!

HEY!!!

Sheesh. What’s a person gotta do to get a little service around here?? I could use a muffin, or a fresh sticky bun, if you’re not doing anything better than plunking your caboose into a chair over there!!

Alright, who am I to get crabby? I’ll just go downstairs and get myself a dry old soda cracker, or lick a discarded banana peel – I’ll survive.

Be right back…
































OK, where were we? Oh yeah, entirely aimless, and without a point…

So, now that we’ve put on our exterior Christmas lights, more sheep are folding into the flock. I’ve spotted several more homes lit up now – more and more every night as we return home. Pretty soon, the whole dang street will look like a mini-Las Vegas strip – but without signs boasting Tom Jones’ pending performance.

Who by the way, is coming to Calgary. We’ll pass on seeing him, as we already have. Way back when we still used to live in Winnipeg. Terrific show. The man has pipes.

Our current concert calendar is a little barren right now. I don’t think we have any shows coming up until December. I could go into withdrawals at any time.

Well, this has certainly been a monumental waste of everyone’s time today. My humble apologies. I really should have my second cup of coffee before I sit down to do this.

Chow for now!!

Just for the sake of it, I decided to check my website hits yesterday, and found that the number was 2222.

Whoa!

There’s that wacky number thing again! The only thing that would have been spookier was if I had done it today (the 22nd), and that phenomenon occurred.

Maybe I should’ve bought a lottery ticket, or at least driven to the closest poker table to try my luck. I just don’t know what it is - me and those recurring and/or sequential numbers.

Hey, here’s another set of numbers that sums up my thoughts so far on Microsoft’s new operating system, Vista – 0000. What a piece of…it’s just …the thing is…

What can I say? Who am I kidding? It blows.

But, that could just be me. I have trouble with my electric can opener, so I’ll admit that I may be the one lacking the necessary skills. Who cares if you have to reboot the computer three or four times, just to check for new e-mails? It’s new and improved – there’s going to be a few little glitches!

Who cares if the new operating system is only compatible with brand-new Microsoft software and hardware? I really wasn’t all that fond of my peripherals anyway. You don’t have to bend my arm too hard to get me to agree to buying a new printer, digital camera, speakers, keyboard, mouse, screensaver, modem, router, power bar, blank CD-RW’S, Microsoft™-approved #2 Pencil, Microsoft™-approved ballpoint pen with Vista logo, floppy disks, headphones, Microsoft™-approved recycled white printer paper, and a complete rewiring of my home office, just so that I can be Vista compatible. It’s a small price to pay. I’m a team player, after all.

Even if the team is The Seattle Pirates…

Chow for now!!

Ugh…

The last couple of mornings have been awfully brutal on this old fart. I’ve had to get up HALF AN HOUR earlier than normal!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy has had a two-day symposium thingy she has had to attend, clear across town, at this ungodly early-morning hour. Rather than hop on a city bus at 4:00 AM, I’ve amended my own schedule, to drive her in to this shindig. What, you can’t learn anything if you start at 10:00??????

So, at great personal sacrifice to my own military-styled daily regimen, I am rearranging my mornings to accommodate this variation to our daily lives:

- No more lounging with a coffee, scanning the morning paper – I guess I’ll have to hear about the Russians attacking on the car radio…
- No time to sit and soak in the morning news – I suppose I can always find out after the rest of the civilized world if the recently hospitalized Olsen twin will begin to intake solid foods once again…
- No more healthy breakfast, a staple of my morning for years. Now, I’m forced to grab a muffin on the run, or worse yet – take my chances in some restaurant. The sacrifices I’m willing to make for this lady’s schedule…sigh…
- No more primping in front of the mirror before we leave the house. Actually, that’s probably a good thing…

So, better run. MTDG is almost ready, and her chariot must await!!

Chow for now!!

I have succumbed to peer pressure, and last night officially lit our outdoor Christmas lights.

I’m such a sheep. I could have easily waited until my Dec. 1 self-imposed start date, but driving home from the airport Sunday night, we passed literally dozens of homes, aglow in the pleasurable illumination of Christmas decorations.

I see also that my humble display (one strip of mini-lights along the garage roofline) is woefully inadequate, sort of like a guy dressed in a silver suit, holding a 40-watt bulb outside a Las Vegas casino. I am currently under-Christmased…

So, what to do? We have a few inanimate decorations we put outside as well, like a wooden snowman, but maybe this is the year I have to purchase one of those 10’ inflatable snow globes, with a turbine fan that makes the inflatable carollers inside appear to move to the accompanying Christmas music soundtrack, played on weatherproof outdoor speakers?

Maybe this is the year I get arrested by a representative from PETA, for tying live reindeer up to the front entry of our home, decorated with live flashing Xmas lights on their antlers, and a questionable elf offering rides. Make your own joke there…

I wish I could be strong, but looking at the animated snowman across the street, and the elaborate décor of our neighbour’s yards, I just know that I’ll be slipping into our local Canadian Tire, and bringing home something that will cause Mrs. That Dan Guy to slap her forehead in absolute disbelief.

Tis the season!!

Chow for now!!

I had started to write an entirely different post this morning, but as I was typing out the last sentence for today’s blog, Windows decided to “update” my computer. I didn’t think fast enough to save the post, which may or may not appear tomorrow. Right now, I’m so pissed off at Windows I could throw their friggin’ system out of a real window…

We’ve upgraded to Vista, the newest system required to use a PC, the reason for which is pretty much a new operating system means brand-new stretch BMW’s all around, at Microsoft. If there’s any advantage to this new system, I have yet to see it. This is the second time I’ve lost a document due to the system needing to reboot with a "necessary" update. You just get rattled when the computer suddenly asks you to save something you’re still working on, so I hit cancel, and then it’s too late. Most computer viruses aren’t as efficient as Vista in screwing up what I’m working on.

You may be able to read between the lines here – I hate this flippin’ operating system, no matter what they feel may have improved since XP – which by the way happened to work just fine. But, if PC users all stayed on a system too long, there would be no new stretch BMW’s in Seattle, and The Grinch (or the terrorists) would win.

So, as a computer user, the minor sacrifice I have to occasionally make by losing the entire effort I have expended is a small price to pay, to keep Starbucks’ drive-thrus alive and vibrant in Washington state.

Why in God’s name didn’t I switch to Apple when I had the chance……………..

Chow for now!!

The whirlwind return to Kelowna is almost done…

Mrs. That Dan Guy & I have been back in Kelowna (where we lived for 13 or so years), for a presentation I was invited to speak at, here at the local regional library.

The bulk of the hair I used to have, while we lived here, remained absent…

The first night, we checked in to our hotel room, then raced off to a local watering hole (while they may actually serve water there, none of us was buyin’ it, if ya know what I mean…), to meet up with colleagues and former co-workers of MTDG. That was a blast, getting to see the old gang. Not “gang” like The Switchblade Skullcaps, more “gang” like “group”.

Sorry, and not “group” like Fleetwood Mac, more “group” like…oh for Pete’s sake, you know what I mean!!

At any rate, after a great visit with those folks, we returned to our hotel room, where we grabbed a few zzz’s, before getting up to get ready for my presentation.

To kill time until she was going to join me, MTDG happened to find (of all things) a casino, right beside the large downtown hotel, close to the library.

All right, I’m totally kidding here – we’ve always knew that the casino was there.

At any rate, she managed to pick up a few bucks over the half hour she had to kill, and returned with a little extra spring in her step, in time to catch my presentation.

Which went really, really well, aside from having to cut it by half, due to other parts of the morning running overtime. No big deal, I roll with the punches, even if they are just metaphorical. It was a good group of library supporters, which I support heartily myself. I had a ball, and there was enough laughter coming from the audience to assure me they may have, as well.

From the library event, we were off to visit with family we have out here, first time we’ve seen them in over a year.

First time they’ve seen my scalp, ever…

We had a good, long visit with them, until we felt it was necessary to get back here to our room, and crash. We’ve got a brunch date with some other friends, then we’re off to the airport, back to Calgary. Whirlwind tour, loads of fun!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Holy cluckin’ Toledo!! These turkeys did it again!!

Yesterday afternoon, I noticed Banjo Boy quietly packin’ up a suitcase, and paddin’ out to the garage. So, I hopped inta some carry-on luggage, and sure as shootin’ – once we picked up the Mrs. - we’re off to the pluckin’ airport!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Soon enough, we land in some joint called “Kelowna”. I ain’t been here before, but it looks pretty nice.

The timing of the trip stinks though. I had a buddy that was supposed to stop by a couple of days ago, and I ain’t heard a peep from him. As mice goes, he’s OK, but I wish he woulda called to say he was runnin’ behind…

Well, I’ll have to make the best of it. While my roommates are snoozin’, I’m gonna head down to the restaurant in this here hotel, and try an’ order some eggs and toast – that always freaks out the servers!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

Cluck for now!

Oh brother…

Well, as it turns out, PETA may have been the least of my worries, regarding my recent do-it-yourself garage extermination…

During a preliminary investigation, something came up that I may have neglected to mention in yesterday’s posting. Namely, the little feller was lying (harder than a railroad spike) BESIDE the trap, not actually in it.

Now, you’d suspect that NOT being “whacked” inside a trap might be more humane, but the investigators are making noises about how this uninvited rodent may have had a weak heart, which gave out when the trap was set off, without him in it. As you might imagine, it literally spooked the intestinal waste right out of him. You may also choose NOT to imagine that...

I should have known something was awry when I made the transfer from garage floor to garbage bag. Namely, I didn’t have to release Marvin from the trap. He was deceased, to be sure, but any fool could have determined he had not succumbed to trap-related injuries, rather he may have (in his final moments) been quietly proclaiming: “Elizabeth…this is the big one…”

If all THAT weren’t bad enough, a representative from the local Tom Cat Union (TCU) stopped by yesterday afternoon, to inform me that an official inquiry has begun within THEIR organization, as I may have taken work away from a unionized neighbourhood cat. And a meal, it goes without saying – which is probably the real issue here, if they were to be entirely truthful with me…

So, as seems to be typical when it comes to me and animals, I’m up to my armpits in manure.

On the bright side, new traps have been mouse-free since Marvin’s removal…

Chow for now!!

Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse…

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve incurred the wrath of PETA, but after last night’s brief appearance as “The Mousinator”, I may have to start looking over my shoulder again.

It’s the time of year that critters are looking for warm accommodations, and last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy went into the garage, and (much to her dismay) discovered one of those critters, scampering along the floor.

Mustering up all her pluck and will, she ran back inside the house, and insisted I come downstairs. Which I did, being well-trained in voice modulation (when your spouse has a voice as high as a mouse's, you can bet there may be one in the immediate vicinity).

Between gasps of air, she described the scenario – small, furry rodent, garage.

It’s been many years since I’ve had to assume my “Mousinator” identity, and I’m happy to report that my costume still fit. Not much of a stretch, what with it being a pair of long underwear, with an old pillowcase for a cape. Although, it may have stretched a bit more than it has in past years...

Whatever. The point is, I went about my cold-blooded business, and here is where the squeamish may want to exit (or anyone associated especially with PETA).

Wheels were set in motion that spelled doom for the uninvited meece. Plans had been laid that would bring an abrupt end to active rodentry.

Cheese, desired for centuries by discerning mice, would play a crucial role in ending Mickey Junior’s inspection of our garage…

Within mere minutes of implementing “Mousinator”, we had achieved success.

A brief service was held this morning, which coincidentally happens to be garbage pickup day.

We will remain vigilant…

Chow for now!!

I have to confess here, I’m not a morning person.

Not one bit. Not one iota. Mrs. That Dan Guy generally has to go through an elaborate series of wake-up calls and coaxing with pastries to get me out of bed every morning. I’m worse than a four-year old.

Which always make me grin a bit every morning as I sit in front of this screen, and tap out these nutty little pieces. For one thing, I typically don’t even have both eyes open while I’m doing it.

I know, I know – most often it reads like I have BOTH eyes closed while I’m writing this stuff. That actually might be an improvement I should consider trying…

But that’s the idea. I do this to empty my mind, which I suppose begs the question – what exactly gets in there, overnight???? Also, what pastries are offered, to lure me out of bed?

Many…

Chow for now!!

Comforting news, watching TV lately…

More specifically, those “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” commercials. For my money - a fun ad campaign, but also right-on-the-money with poking shots at Windows latest operating system – Vista.

The PC guy in those commercials is trying to stem the flow of Windows clients switching back to Windows XP, and I can believe that he ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie. Vista may appear to be a slick new operating system, in the same way that a 2008 Citron looks like a new car, but acts more like a tart yellow fruit.

To be honest, I don’t even know if they make Citrons anymore, but it seemed like an appropriate comparison. Vista sucks. Vista blows. Vista is about as competent as an appendectomy performed by a jittery kangaroo. Actually, the jittery kangaroo has a better chance of performing an appendectomy than Vista has…well, you get my point.

Don’t get me wrong! Vista looks slick enough. It’s just that any program or hardware you’ve gotten used to over the past year, sort-of may not work with Vista. Sort-of, like highly unlikely, unless you surf the Google for frantic updates every other computer organization has had to develop, to fix compatibility issues. I can now print again, after “upgrading” a relatively new printer with software that Vista deems to recognize. Happy day…

But perhaps I rant here. The clock and calendar that appears on my desktop is a fine replacement for actually being able to use software I picked up 3 months ago, now unrecognizable by Vista. The spinning circle is completely captivating, as I await any of my functions to commence. This may have been invented with cats in mind, it’s like a virtual ball of yarn.

But again, perhaps I rant. For now, I’ll see how long I last with this “improved” Windows operating system. And, I’ll enjoy those “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” commercials even more than I used to…

Chow for now!!

Whewhoo! Late start to today’s edition. Humble apologies, we’re just taking a really lazy long weekend.

As a matter of fact, we haven’t gotten out of our p-jammies since Saturday morning. Completely dishevelled and unshaven, and I look even worse than her!!

As a matter of fact, even the dog has taken to passing us with a wide circle of avoidance.

Note to self: find out whose dog that is…

We’ll have to come to life at some point. I should have been working on stuff this weekend, and Mrs. That Dan Guy had originally planned to go into the office for a while. Looks like Cheezies and chocolate-covered almonds for brunch instead!!!

Interestingly enough, no solicitors knocking on the door, or telemarketers pestering us either, which is a pretty good long weekend, if I do say so myself.

Hey, I wonder if we missed The Price Is Right? We really shouldn’t have slept in so late.

And we really should have let that dog out earlier…

Note to self: Did we get a dog? I don’t remember getting a dog…

Well, what’s done is done. We’re up pretty much at the crack of noon, and the whole…um…afternoon is our oyster. Now we just have to shuck it.

That’s not a bad idea, after all.

Just shuck it…

Chow for now!!

I’ve written here before about my propensity to frequently see consecutive or multiple numbers:

1 2 3 4, 11:11, stuff like that. Most often on clocks or timers.

I’m not the only person that this happens to. If you surf the Google with 11:11, you’ll find all sorts of crackpots…um, I mean all sorts of interesting theories about coincidental numbers. Most common of all – it’s a gateway for alien visitations.

O-kay….

Whatever the occurrence means, I’ve been experiencing this for years. I’ll be working away, and glance up at a clock, and see that it’s 3:33.

Or, I’ll be making lunch, and glance at the stove, only to see the digital display reading 12:34.

Or, I’ll be in front of a slot machine, and suddenly 7 7 7 will appear. On the machine beside the one I’m playing… One thing for sure, this numerical quirk of mine isn’t related to wealth…

So, what is it all really about? I have no clue. But if there is some sort of cosmic importance, I always figure that today is one of the pivotal days of the year for this thing, as it happens to be 11/11.

And so, I wait. I wait for Ed McMahon to knock on my door with The Prize Patrol, or a representative of the Oreo Cookie Company, delivering my lifetime supply of those new cake cookies.

By late afternoon, I will remember that this thing generally doesn’t involve monetary windfalls, and dive headfirst into a bag of potato chips.

It ain’t pretty…

On a related note, don't forget to remember those who have fought for our freedom today.

Chow for now!!