What exactly does Chihuahua mean? I know that cucaracha (la cucaracha, la cucaracha) means cockroach, which makes a person wonder why you sing an upbeat little tune about a bug you can’t kill, even with an anvil…

However, does Chihuahua mean literally “tiny shaking canine”, or “timid dog barely larger than an obese rat”???

Personally, I favour dogs that I could sit at the bar and have a beer with…manly dogs. Give me a retriever or a German Shepard any day of the week. When I see those hairy little lap dogs, I can’t help but think how much more handy they’d be as the floor-end of a mop. I always start to look around for an empty broom handle…

I know I’m bucking the trend with that opinion. Lap dog are freakin’ everywhere now. Even steroid-enhanced Bunyans can be spotted on the street walking a little Shih Tzu. There’s something disturbing about a Macy Parade balloon out walking a dust-bunny that pees.

And why do these little dogs always have to have their flippin’ tongue hanging out? They’ve already got me lathered up by being so small and yappy, then they have to aggravate me even further by looking like a slobbery Swiffer??

Actually, now that I think about that comparison, they really do look like Swiffer dusters…wonder if there’s a glue factory somewhere…

Ah, I’m probably just imagining thing now…

At any rate, one man’s opinion. Me, I’ll always prefer a burly beast of a dog – the kind I could have help me with dry-walling a basement. Lapdogs – if they ever come up with a fashion accessory for kneecaps, I vote for a pair of them critters…

Chow for now!!

Hey, today I feel like a million bucks!!!

Anybody out there have enough to lend me something even close to that???? I’ve got my eye on a new fall jacket…

Anyhoo, after a few days of foggy head and overall inability to continue my relentless pursuit for the coveted gold belt in karate (very advanced), I awoke this morning to discover that my Herculean efforts to drive that funk away have been successful. The Zip-A-Dee is back in my Doo-Dah.

It’s funny, a weaker person may have been sidelined while overcoming this recent brush with Congestive Skull Space. Not me! I reached deep, deep down, and fought back like a wildcat, probably preventing a full-blown case of the sniffles from taking my life over.

Why doesn’t Oprah feel the need to highlight motivational stories like THIS? I mean, come on…you can only see John Travolta cry so many times – I’d have way more respect if he confessed to struggling with sinus swelling. It’s the human touch, boys and girls!!!

At any rate, I think I can finally close the door on this string of postings, and get back to the serious discipline and focus required for achieving my gold belt. Losing a couple of days of training may have already cost me dearly.

And all these recent accusations of being “overly-dramatic” in my battle to return to full health, well…let me just say that I wouldn’t wish a fuzzy head like I had to endure on my worst enemy. Or Justin Timberlake. MTDG, all is forgiven - you couldn't have known how stricken I truly was...

Today, the birds are singing a little louder, the sun is shining a bit more brightly, and even the air smells a little bit fresher.

Uh, except for just now…pardon me…

Chow for now!!

Alright, let the record show – I may have been incorporating a little “artistic license” regarding my health yesterday…

OK, maybe a lot of artistic license. Whatever it was, I did have a bit of a fuzzy head, so I exaggerated just a bit, for impact. If it was a cold coming on, it seems to be taking it’s merry old time.

There is also a possibility that I’m dealing with the changes in the atmospheric conditions at this altitude.

No, I don’t mean the second storey of our home – we’re close to the Rocky Mountains now, and some people react – even suffer from migraines, and yourgraines.

My precarious health yesterday could also have been due to the full moon the past few nights. For some reaon, I can’t sleep when there’s a full moon. I don’t exactly grow a face full of fur (like MTDG does), but I toss and turn, and end up awake until the wee hours of the morning. Which makes me susceptible to cold bugs and such. But apparently not sympathy…

At any rate, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ with it. I will soldier on, and try not to fish for compassion from readers out there in the hinterlands of The Google. While my keyboard may be stained by post-nasal drip, and my typing fingers weakened by fatigue, but I will be a rock. A pillar. A gazebo by a stormy lake.

Cough cough….

I’ll be OK….

Chow for now!!

For anyone just tuning in, my early-morning brush with pneumonia/whooping cough/woozy brain has engaged readers and their keyboards.

This is getting to be about as big an issue as the great James Blunt Rules/James Blunt Sucks debate a few months back.

As I recall, James Blunt ruled....

I seem to have a bit of a buzz this morning. Kind-of a mild headache, but not really a head ache. I think it may be a cold of some sort, trying to grab a foothold in my cranium.

My runny nose is another clue that this headache is less likely hangover than bug or virus. I hope I’m wrong, but as I’ve blown my nose three of four times in just two paragraphs worth of typing, so I’m inclined to think it truly is a cold.

Farfanuggen!!!

I am less than manly when it comes to having a cold. As a matter of fact, Mrs. That Dan Guy takes great pleasure out of snickering whenever I do blow my nose. Snickering due to the correlation between my nasal passage clearing, and the groaning I do immediately thereafter. Like I’ve not so much just expunged loose mucus, as I have battled hoards of demons with a soda straw…

I wasn’t even aware I did that, until one time she just burst out laughing. As I sat in my reclining chair, weak and traumatized from yet another hearty blast into a Kleenex, I was puzzled by her reaction – heartless to be honest.

She responded by suggesting that EVERY time I honk my beak, I moan like a bingo player who ended two numbers short on his or her card. While I know that’s completely RIDICULOUS, after time you just have to humour your partner, and agree with whatever looney-tune statements that they come up with. Otherwise they never bring you your slippers, or your newspaper, let alone light your pipe for you.

The thin line a person has to walk, while suffering (almost) in silence…

Chow for now!!

Holy Doodles!!

The next time I'm eager to try out new technology, I may want to preview what I put up beforehand...

The video clip I loaded here yesterday was about as painful to watch as...well, a root canal may have been a more pleasant way to spend the time...

If I had bothered to preview it, I would have maybe chosen not to post a clip where I looked like I'd just rolled out of bed, after a four-day Jack Daniels bender. I might have also had enough discretion to post something more rugged, like my running up the Rocky steps in Philadelphia.

NOT getting slobbered on by a hand puppet!!!

Oy.....
**********************************************************************************

Lots of TV season finales this weekend, for the summer season. We've had to say farewell for now to Mr. Gene Simmons and his wacky brood, along with a couple of HBO shows we enjoy. Unlike Tony Soprano, they'll at least be back next year...

Which means we must be getting close to the fall launch of the new season, and a plethora (bought that word at an auction- -finally had a chance to use it) of shows that hope to survive longer than one broadcast.

Can't wait....

I wonder if my hand puppet Fuzzball will get picked up by a network???

Hey, today's posting is as lame as yesterday's video clip!!

Chow for now!!!!

"Bad Ventriloquist"

A new feature on Blogger, I just couldn't resist adding in something to test it out.

I may live to regret this...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

“I’ll take Cruel & Unusual Punishment for $200, Alex”

Yeah, that’s me, yer ole pal Charlie – cooped up in the pluckin’ back yard of Banjo Boy. He had his sister in from Winterpeg visitin’, and he weren’t about to have me goofin’ around inside the house…

I guess I can’t blame him. He was pretty pissed about the videos I posted on the inner-net from the last couple visitin’ here from Manny-toba. Whoo-Hoo!!!!! I love my hidden webcams!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

Yeah, so rather than trust me to behave, I’m cooped outside like some sorta common barnyard poultry. In this weather!! I coulda froze to death out there!! And I’ll tell ya, a couple of times I could barely feel my chicken nuggets…

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

At any rate, this is all fodder for my book deal: “Poultry Prison- One Chicken’s Wrongful Imprisonment”. It’ll detail my embarrassment what with neighbors lookin’ at me while they barbecued, and my brave fight against mosquitoes the size of fighter jets.

The heartless bastard didn’t even leave me a magazine to read while I was out there! It was hard time, I tell ya!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

Anyways…

I’m back in now, and ole Banjo Boy’s gonna find a little something special the next time he rolls into his comfy bed.

And I repositioned a few of those webcams, so if he was upset before, he’s gonna be cluckin’ surprised the next time he goes online!!

Cluck for now!!

I see that we’re a little bit behind on our TV viewing. Gene Simmons’ “Family Jewels” in particular.

We caught the season finale last night, on a recording.

What a hoot! Still one of my favorite shows on TV, but I also eat peanut butter 365 days a year – that may be impairing my judgment just a shade…

At any rate, in this season’s ender, Gene and his wacky clan had to go to Las Vegas for a wedding. Enter my man Carrot Top (and again, bear in mind the liberal amounts of peanut butter clogging my brain pores). Hello, hilarity!!

Hmmm. Carrot Top…Las Vegas…Luxor…

Just sayin’…..

At any rate, and there’s no reason whatsoever to assume this didn’t really happen, Mr. Simmons somehow managed to glue a 12” “back massager” to the palm of his hand, while fiddling around with one of Carrot Top’s gags. The episode was classic comedy – even Laurel & Hardy would have been impressed.

Well, maybe a bit offended as well, but you have to be impressed by a Krazy-glued “back massager” as it spent the next day with Gene and his family.

I’m being really vague here in case you as well may have had to wait to watch the episode. You won’t be disappointed – it is FUNNY!

However, now that I’ve built it up, you’ll have to seek it out and watch it yourself. Me, I’ve got a pair of toast with peanut butter slathered liberally onto that I need to address.

To my mouth!!!

Chow for now!!

The general consensus around here is that we’ve been kinda ripped off – it’s gone from the blazingly hot weeks of summer we were enduring, to an immediate and abrupt fall. Autumn. No longer summa. The only thing missing is the leaves changing colours.

I can’t complain. I like my heat when I’m on holidays, NOT while I’m sweltering in my house. I tend to prefer these more temperate temperatures, more tempting to me than temporary heat waves.

I promise, one or more of these paragraphs will eventually make sense…

At any rate, for my sister’s visit, it has been temperate. Or tolerable. Not tempestuous. Maybe even a bit tepid.

All of which has made the house quite livable. It would have been hard explaining my slathers of body mayonnaise if had been over 30 degrees in here. But boy, does that EVER cool you down…

So, this being just the last week of August, will we get more high temperatures, or are we truly sliding down the hill into fall? I for one frankly just don’t care.

Sweat is totally overrated…

Chow for now!!

We’re just in the tail end of a family visit – my sister is in town.

And, the weather here has almost been cooperative. We've had just enough opportunity to squeeze in a quick BBQ –but even that had the threat of a rainfall imminent during the entire cooking of the meal.

Yes, our infamous psychotic Calgary weather has been in full bloom for her visit – bright and sunny in the morning – gloomy and storm-threatening the rest of the day. It feels more like late fall than the last few weeks of summer. I’ve even noticed an increase in the amount of street hockey games going on in our neighborhood – the ice pack is just about perfect!!

We’ve filled her visit with what I like to call drive-by sightseeing. We’re squeezing in so much more by just flashing by local landmarks, or pointing them out at a distance. For example, we can SEE Canada Olympic Park from our back yard, so why actually drive up to it??

Imagine how much a person could save if they just sailed past the ancient ruins of Greece, or looked at pictures of The Eiffel Tower?? This could be the start of something huge in rapid tourism!!

One thing we did actually get inside of yesterday was our local IKEA. That’s right, IKEA. My apologies if you live in a community without one – they are a modern wonder, with the bonus of fresh Swedish meatballs.

After three hours inside yesterday, we emerged with one of the coolest cheese graters you’ll ever see.

SCORE!!

Sorry, I was watching one of those street hockey games…

Chow for now!!

I think it's time to consider getting a new computer...

I start out to do these wacky bloggy things every day about the same time, and once in a while, it works out just fine.

Most times, the computer fails to load. It fails to boot. It needs a good strong boot in the ......

Or, it will freeze while I'm working on something. Or, it will freeze while I'm not working on something. I'm either going to buy a new computer, or a blowtorch...

Not to mention that Mr. Gates no longer supports the antiquated operating system I bought a couple of years ago. That has now been "replaced", and his acreage estate requires fresh astro-turf, which requires little guys like me to "replace" a perfectly fine operating system.

I love technology....

Chow for now!!

Contaminated carrots!!!

I read an article this weekend about carrots from Mexico being tainted with some weird-ass virus. Not too long ago one brand or another of lettuce was recalled, for the same reason.

It all just proves my theory - that this alleged "health food" ain't healthy AT ALL!!!! I mean, come on - how many rabbits or heads of cattle do you see doing the Cha-Cha, or writing books? Exactly!! Zip!! Zipp-o!! They are waaay too whacked out on tainted vegetables to maintain a coherent thought!!

In stark contrast, how many bags of pretzels have been recalled recently?? None that I can recall...

When was the last time Frito-Lay warned the public about cholera in any of their products? NEVER!!

If you want a healthy food product, make sure it comes from a vacuum-packed bag, and NOT some field where bugs and viruses grow like prairie weeds. Seriously, there's bugs and worms in dirt!! How healthy can that be??

I want to know when I open a package of Cheese Doodles that my food product has been carefully cultivated in a lab, with artificial colors and tastes - with no measurable levels of broccoli or tuna flakes.

I want to know that when I dip an Oreo cookie into a glass of milk (granted - a natural food, but filtered through Bessie), there's not a hint of offensive fruit or vegetable anywhere around.

It all about the health!!

Chow for now!

I'm starting to feel like the Goldilocks of the wireless world...

And don't think that the irony there escapes me - any locks I got left ain't even close to golden...

The comparison is due to my picking up a third (yes, three) Blackberry handheld wireless device this weekend.

Well, the first one died of natural causes (it's a tough world out there, baby). The replacement must have been a refurbished unit, because some of the keys didn't work, and the battery had about half the life span of the last one.

So, like my pal Goldilocks, the first Blackberry was too dead; the second one was too crappy; this one seems to be juuuuust right.

The only problem is - to keep it safe, I can't use it as a handheld. I have to leave it somewhere safe, wrapped in protective casing, and only refer to it occasionally. Otherwise some other "natural cause" may come into play (Earth, Wind & /Or Fire).

So, I have managed to somehow thwart my own convenience, which is no big surprise, seeing as how I managed to wallop my forehead on the pointy corner of a dresser the other day, while vacuuming. Mrs. That Dan Guy was forced into playing nurse, which resulted in the vacuuming being postponed for the day (that white uniform drives me crazy!).

I am one level above klutz, near as I can figure. I really should keep myself wrapped in protective casing...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Uuuuuuh......

Ole Charlie ain't feelin' so good today, boys an' girls...I got some kinda cluckin' summer cold.

The doc thinks it may be the flu! How about that - bird flu!!! Pluck my legs and call me Smoothie!! Bird flu!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

Well, at least it ain't Mad Cow, although I am pretty peed-off about being so cluckin' sick. If I didn't feel so lousy, I'd be madder than a wet hen!! Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!

Uhhhhhhhhh........

Scuse me. I think I gotta puke....

Hey, puking ain't the worst of it. It's the OTHER end that you should be worried about. Holy cluckin' Hanna!! I feel like a pez dispenser on steroids!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

So, I need ta get some rest, and drink lots of liquids. Water might not be bad, but I prefer whole grains, so gin it is. A hangover can't make me feel any worse than I do right now.

And it can't make me spew up my cabbage any faster either...

Ooooooohhh.....

My cluckin' tummy hurts.....

Is it cold in here, or has Death wrapped me in his icy grip?? And if it's so cluckin' cold, why am I sweatin' like Lindsay Lohan at a roadside sobriety check??

OK, now I'm just tired. Better go put my pinfeathers down on some down. Hopefully next week I'll be feeling more up to visitin' with you skin-covered mammals...

Cluck for now!!

I have yet to come to terms with why things that are supposed to be so good for you, always have to taste like hemlock, or lawn.

Take cabbage, for example. There's yet another vegetable with all sorts of health benefits. As a matter of fact, several years ago there was even a wacky boiled cabbage diet. Yet I for one will pass on cabbage, boiled or leafy fresh. I just don't have enough "inner goat" I reckon...

What else?? Grapefruit. OK, there's one at least that has some flavour, but how many freakin' grapefruits can a person consume, if they aren't in a tropical Bellini at Happy Hour?? I can generally squirm my way through one, before my tongue starts to pucker up in self-defense, and restrict access to the balance of the fruit. Maybe that's part of the weight loss, not being to eat more than a half a grapefruit.

And yet, I can always fit more Fruit Loops in...go figure...

What the world needs is a diet pretzel, or potato chips made from baked cabbage leaves that don't retain any of that product's downsides, like taste, texture, or overall blah-ness.

Blah-ness is really what prevents me from embracing diets. My life needs pizazz, and a boiled cabbage leaf is seriously lacking in pizazz...

Chow for now!!

NOTE: I don't know what the problem with Blogger is, but I post these things first thing in the morning. Sometimes they show up, sometimes they don't. I'll keep trying until it does show up...

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Why can't we share wildlife, with other parts of the world??

Wouldn't it be just a little bit cool to see a kangaroo hop by as you're preparing to go to work in the morning?? I mean, as opposed to a ground hog, or a crow??

Why should Africa have all the elephants and hippos, when we could see some in our own parks and valleys??

Sure, that's what zoos are for, you say. But a person walking down the street in a Louisiana bayou doesn't have to view an alligator from the protection of a pen or enclosure - they jump right out of the water, and chomp onto your arm, without the frustration of a barbed wire fence in the way.

I for one would love to send the neighborhood cats and dogs to say, Alaska, if it meant we could have a pod of friendly penguins toodlin' down the sidewalk here instead. I'm sure I'd find cleaning penguin poop off of my lawn less disgusting than dog crap, that's for sure!!

Speaking of cats, wouldn't it keep people on their toes to know a lion or tiger was given free rein of the neighborhood? You see a lot less chubby people in tank tops on their porch, if a hungry puma was lurking in the shadows!

Just sayin'...

You could even train some of them to do odd jobs. Giraffes could hang Xmas lights. Dolphins could deliver mail to waterfront homes.

I'm not sure how useful aardvarks would be, but give me some time...

At any rate, they say variety is the spice of life. How about a bit of variety in the neighborhood pet population??? "Remember folks, have your python spayed or neutered"!!!

Chow for now!!

While travelling through the forest one afternoon, young Red Riding Hood became disoriented.

Happily, she had a handheld GPS system to help regain her bearings, and was soon back on track to Grandmother's house.

Until a big wolf appeared, and impeded her on the route to Granny's.

"Say, wut up homey?" the wolf asked Little Red Riding Hood. He appeared to be a friendly beast.

"Stay back, Jackass, or I'll zap you with my illegal stun gun, purchased off of e-Bay", replied Red Riding Hood. And she appeared to be very serious...

The wolf grinned with all the charm of a used car salesman on a sunny Saturday afternoon. " I be chillin', Little Sister. It weren't me that just enjoyed three little pigs with a side of poached eggs!!"

But he did have traces of straw on his fur...

"I'm serious, you hairy reprobate", Red Riding Hood barked out. "And I got a canful of Mace here that sez you need to step your mangy butt back!!"

The wolf decided to humour Little Red Riding Hood, just in case she really was armed to the teeth. He was, after all, still recovering after a whole bunch of huffin', and puffin', and blowin' houses down. Damn asthma...

"Carry on, my dear maiden", the wolf smiled, with all the charm of a dentist who has just discovered decay in 9 molars. "Granny's house is just yonder, over the knoll".

Little Red Riding Hood glared at the wolf, but didn't put down her stun gun, as she walked around him, and right into the hands of a crazed woodsman, who in addition to being Dutch, mistook her for a mature pine tree.

Our story ends as his two-sided axe splices the air...

I really wish I had put more thought into having a moral of some sort to wrap this up...

Oh well...

Chow for now!!

I read in the newspaper the other day that comedian Drew Carey was injured, while rehearsing for his duties as the new host of The Price Is Right. This can't bode well for his future on the show...

Did a wayward Plinko chip break free, and impale itself in his forehead? Did he get his fingers caught in the Squeeze Play game? Did that yodelling mountain climber on Cliff Hanger just get sick and tired of being sent to his doom everyday, and attack Drew with his climbing gear??

I seem to recall reading that he (Mr. Carey) caught his arm in some spinning game, which is just about as embarrassing as any of my earlier guesses. I mean, come on - if an 80-year-old man can do this gig every day for 50 years without having ambulances respond to the scene, why can't Mr. Carey get through early rehearsals??

I can understand if he would have sprained his arm rolling those huge red dices on The Dice Game (hey, if "meeses" is a word for cartoon cats, then so is dices for me). But what spinning game did him in?? It can't be "The Big Wheel", because the host doesn't spin that. So what's left??

I must put my resources to work, and find out just exactly what the nature of this injury happens to be.

It's my little part, for the benefit of America...

I only wish it was one that made any sort of sense...

Chow for now!!

Holy Toledo!!

Seeing as how nobody updated me on who it was that used to say "Great Horny Toads", I'm going to hold off on using that phrase for now. I've got no logical explanation for that, but I also seem to have no logical explanation for most anything I post in here...

At any rate...Holy Toledo!! When we tried to see The Bourne Awesome Adventure, or The Bourne Goblet Of Fire, or The Bourne Free flick this weekend, and became stymied due to it being sold out, imagine my surprise to discover this morning that the new Jackie Chan movie was tops at the box office this weekend!!

Go ahead, imagine it. I'll wait...



Anyhoo, Rush Hour 12, or 13, whatever that franchise has kicked out currently, beat The Bourne On The Fourth Of July series. Un-freakin-bee-lee-vable... I felt like I had been walloped by a frozen mackerel. Like I had been sucker-punched by one of those boxing kangaroos.

I was quite taken by surprise...

I sure hope poor Harry Potting hasn't suffered through all these box-office upsets. I don't want to have to avoid a boy-wizard panhandling on the street...

Hey, anybody out there watching Entourage?? A funny little show spoofing Hollywood, on HBO.

Where did THAT come from?? I was talking about movies, for Pete's sake...

Oh well, the thoughts flow freely, wattaya gonna do?? All I know is that I still haven't seen The Bourne Ward, and probably may not even get to it this weekend...

Chow for now!!

"Great Horny Toads"!!

I think that's an exclamation of amazement used by famous Daily Planet editor Perry White.

No, wait just a minute... I think he used to say "Great Caesar's Ghost"!

So, who was it that used to say "Great Horny Toads"?? Was it Little Orphan Annie??

No, I think she used to say something close, like "Leapin' Lizards"!!

Could it have been Homer Simpson?? I think the phrase is much older than even ole Homer.

It'll come to me. At any rate, the reason I was starting today's posting with such an exclamation of amazement was that Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided to go catch a movie last night. After tossing a coin, the flip came up on "The Bourne Identity Crisis", or "The Bourne Melodrama Of Car Chases", or "The Bourne Plague Of Locusts" - whatever the current installment in those Matt Damon movies happens to be right now.

It was sold out!!!

"Great Horny Toads"!!!

Chow for now....

Chicken Scratch

Howdy doody, my weekend human companions..

Look at that cute picture I got here. Makes ya go "awwww", don't it??

Well, if you missed my recent appearance on The Maury Povich Show - THE KID AIN'T MINE!!

That's cluckin' right, you bunch of judgmental meat-eaters. The DNA came in, and I had nothin' to do with this little kitty. Although, Mom can still call me anytime, if ya catch my drift...

So, just because Eddie Murphy can bring in a little Fresh Spice to the world, doesn't mean ole Charlie's gotta wind up payin' child support all over the barnyard. My honor remains intact.

I was a bit concerned, if I hadda be honest. A while back (what IS the gestation period for baby tigers??) I had gotten into some malt liquor, and woke with a face full of striped fur, so I was an easy target for this whole disaster. I don't even remember catchin' the bar at the local zoo!! I started off in Moose Jaw, for Pete's sake...

At any rate, what's done is done. Sally and me are remaining friends, at least in my book, and for the immediate future, I'm stickin' to root beer!

Cluck for now!!

My old computer monitor must have been returned/delivered by courier sometime yesterday afternoon, but I was out and about. Mrs. That Dan Guy had a doctor's appointment, for which I was her chauffeur.

What barks my tree is that the delivery company, which we'll call Fat-X, doesn't get a response when they ring the doorbell, so they just leave a valuable package outside, for anyone mowing their lawn, or out walking their baby to purloin.

That's steal, heist, pinch, snag, lift...whatever you want to call it, the delivery company (Fat-X) put my property at risk, so that they could deliver Tupperware to some other home, or make it to the opening of the first round of Bingo somewhere.

Is this proper, I have to ask? Shouldn't the driver be obligated to sit in his or her truck, and WAIT until I return, even if it did happen to be almost 8:30 PM last night??

Shouldn't the driver be required to at least get a signature, or does he (or she) just take a digital picture of themselves holding the package in front of my house, which would legally alleviate themselves of any loss if indeed a renegade mom out walking with a newborn did IN FACT snap up my package,and sprint into the nearby hills??

I'm mad as a wet noodle, and I ain't gonna take it anymore!!

As soon as I finish my coffee, and have my morning nap, I'm going to raise hell somewhere.

Chow for now!!

Well, wax my knees and call me shiny...

You know, you'd think that with a start like that, I might actually have a follow-up, but I still have nothin'...

This could technically be "Brain-Barren, Day Three", if I wasn't trying so hard to cleverly conceal the fact that I once again have sat down, with loads of nothingness to write about.

And I do mean nothing. Zip. Zippo. Zipperoo.

Which is sort of silly. There's lots going on in the world. Politics, sports, TV, movies. Even just Barry Bonds getting the new record (Was it for hitting? Catching?? Touchdown receptions??) should give me some fodder, yet...nothing.

I think my light has dimmed since Paris Hilton sort-of straightened out her act, and "The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonators" wrapped up. I just haven't been the same. I'm going through Cher impersonator withdrawals. I think it's even starting to affect my golf swing.

So this is my solemn promise to you all out there. No matter how bummed out I am about these things, tomorrow I SWEAR I will have something to say about something.

Even if it is just a recap of "According To Jim".

Chow for now!!

Brain-Barren, Day Two...

* Tried to think of ideas for a new entry yesterday, but those efforts were thwarted by a last-minute deadline for one of my regular columns, which slipped by me.

Actually, it didn't slip by so much as parade by, with rockets going off, and a band of marching drummers trying desperately to get my attention. Curse my procrastinating gene!!!!

* After completing a column and firing it off, I returned to my task, of trying to think of something new for this empty space. Marvelled at how much it resembled the emptiness in my head...

* Which pretty much leaves me where I was a couple of days ago - blank space here on this blog, blank real estate in the Thinking Department of my brain.

* In one desperate moment, I consider relaunching my efforts to "help bring sexy back". May be an option after I've showered, but right now that campaign just feels wrong. I think I have an odour of Gouda about me...

* Wonder if I've ever considered sharing financial tips in this space before. Maybe I could become a guru...

* Starting to question the logic of capitalizing the first letter of each new "starred" sentence. Yet I've never once questioned a rubber chicken doing the weekend blog. Go figure...

* Heh Heh! The last few capitalized letters spell "Wiws".

* Whoops! Forgot to capitalize that last sentence. And, it's time for my medication. Better Run.


Chow for now!!

This is going to be one of those mornings...

One of those mornings where I sit before this computer monitor and keyboard - with nothing between my ears... Nada!

Oh, I can shake my head around alright, but the marbles are all rolling around loosely, failing to cooperate, bringing out anything cohesive enough to write about. I can still pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time, but can't for the life of me come up with any sort of an idea for today's posting.

Which is sad really. I read the newspaper every day. I watch TV (although nothing all that stimulating, as we have determined over the course of numerous postings on "The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonators"), so how can I sit before this computer now, and be brain -barren?? That's a good question...

I could talk about the humble chocolate chip cookie, probably the best cookie ever invented.

I could talk about how we cleaned our carpets quite successfully this weekend. Not all of them. Just one...

I could even talk about why I should go have some breakfast right now, but just thinking about that has made me really hungry.

So I better go eat. And think of something to write about tomorrow morning. So much for spontaneous brain combustion...

Chow for now!

I love long weekends...

Well, working from home, long weekends really aren't all that different for me than any other ones, I suppose. Except that Mrs. That Dan Guy is around. Which means that on the Monday, I can't watch "The Price Is Right", and "The Young & The Restless"...

Plays hell with my schedule. I can't come on down, or keep track of who Victor's marrying this week.

I also have to spend HOURS up in my office, pretending to tap away on the keyboards, rather than surf The Google, or play Minesweeper. You'd think that after 1378 games,I might have figured out how to play that stupid game by now...

The worst part, is not being able to sneak off to the horse track. It's WAY better to see them run live, than on some fuzzy internet feed. But, as long as my handicaps pay off, who cares how they cross the finish line??

Nice sunny day today, so we'll probably spend some time in the yard. I guess I should have at least mowed (mown??) the lawn this weekend, but I'm playing up a bout of tennis elbow, just in case I slip into a game of Minesweeper, and the keyboard falls silent...

Man, that weekend chicken smells!! What in the name of Thor's hammer has he been rolling in??

Groddy, man...

Chow for now!!

I've been thinking, which is generally never a good thing...

In order to procure a few extra buckaroos for some of my hobbies (including, but not limited to music collecting, concert attending, and recreational eating), I might need to explore alternate ways to make more disposable income.

Rather than work, so to speak, I turn to other options, such as, say...charging a nominal fee for viewing these postings.

As this is a public site,I would have to work on the honor system. I realize that just about anybody can view this stuff every day for free, but to assist me in keeping current with Michael Bolton's latest recording efforts, or allowing me to try this new tuna snack food product, I am proposing that a voluntary donation of say...ten bucks a viewing would work wonders. For me, anyway.

That's just the price of 6 coffees a day (One-and-a-half if you go to Starbucks), a small personal sacrifice for the untold daily benefits of lowering your blood pressure with less caffeine intake.

Plus, you'd get the added perk of reading this stuff, and opening your world to the heart-warming pleasure of knowing that I've been able to start model airplaning. Or bobsledding. Or lawn bowling.

The possibilities are endless. I mean, why support something intangible and faceless like UNICEF, when I've got a smiling picture right up there, at the start of this blog every day? And in writing about my adventures, you'd know your hard-earned dollars were being spent far more wisely, as I share my horizon-widening (or belt-widening...I did list recreational eating) experiences with the world.

At least those members of the world kind enough to send a few daily dollars, care of this blog...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Gardening Tips From Charlie

Happy summer, human beans!! I'd join you in some suntanning, but it just reminds me of heat lamps at a certain Southern Cooked Poultry joint. No way Jose!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

So, today, I'd like to share some gardenin' tips, so as to prettify yer yard, or windowsill.

I've got some experience in fertilizin' gardens, which may be a bit awkward for humans, but still can be done, in my opinion.

So, first off, yer gonna need some soil. Somewhere to plant your daisies, not push them. This soil should be muddy, and in an area where the sun shines. As supposed to where I'm gonna kick you, if I see you reaching for another McNugget!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

OK, ya got some muddy soil, and a degree of sunshine. Next, ya need seeds. Seeds for the plants ya wanna grow. I prefer tubeaks, you may prefer tulips!!

Ba-dum-bum!! Here all week folks!! Now THAT'S pluckin' funny!!!

Anyways...

So, and I know this sounds all technical and scientific, but the next step is, ya plant the seeds in the muddy soil. Push the little pluckers into the soil, and cover them up. Then water them. And for a few more days, keep watering 'em. If you so desire,take advantage of nature's call to fertilize them. As long as you aint' planting carrots, fertilize away, baby!!

Now comes the hardest part of gardenin'. For what can seem like days, ya hafta wait for somethin' to happen. Water, wait. Water, wait.

Oh yeah, I also advise ya to invest in some buckshot, for any lazy-ass robins that swoop down to chew up yer hard-worked efforts. Ship the carcasses off to that restaurant chain I mentioned earlier. It's still a bird, even if it ain't technically "chicken".

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

There's probably more advice to give, but these are the basics. I mean, come on, if ya can't handle somethin' as simple as pushing a seed into the ground,why would I waste time telling ya how to prune??

Although, I'll give ya that one for free:

Spend an hour inna tub of water!!

Cluck for now!!

I'm always suspicious when a few hours go by, and I don't get any new e-mails. Especially after writing a posting about how far behind I am on getting to the dang things...

I typically awaken to a handful of new arrivals every day, and get seriously panicked if none come in. I attribute it to either cyber-pirates, or a world-wide failure of The Google, preventing regular mail traffic.

You've probably already guessed by now, I found no new e-mails when I awoke this morning.

After a precautionary test e-mail to myself (from one of my six active e-mail accounts), it would appear that traffic is indeed still flowing, just not to me.

Which isn't to say I want to get another slab of e-mails, it just makes me curious.

OK, crazy...

I mean, how can that be?? I get e-mails day and night, night and day?? How can a night go by with NOTHING??

Just sayin'...

Chow for now!!

Lately I find myself lusting. Lusting for something so close, and yet still just a bit too far. I am lusting for a Mac.

Let me clarify. Not "Mac" the local lawn care entrepreneur, or "Mac" the guy that sweeps out the dingo cage at the zoo - "Mac", the alternative to Bill Gates' world of windows and general PC computer tomfoolery.

I started out on computers with a Mac, many, many, many, many, many, many years ago. Loooved it!! Easy to use, inexpensive to maintain once the hardware was initially purchased.

However, it didn't have all the software options of the Maxi-Soft world. So, I began back then to lust after one of those super-popular Windy-Ohs computers.

And once I initially converted, I spent many a smiling day in front of my new computer system. Sold my beloved Mac, and never looked back. Aside from crashes, viruses, worms, incessant requirements to upgrade every aspect of my computer's day-to-day operating functions - I liked Windy-Ohs.

But now, Mac is surging back into popularity. I've taped every one of those "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC commercials" (if THOSE don't qualify for Emmies, I'm selling my Zenith floor model). I wish I had one of those i-pods. Or an i-phone. I'd even settle for an i-extension cord.

Now, with my recent computer (Maxi-Soft, Windy-Ohs) woes, I wonder if I should take the opportunity to switch over to Mac, once again.

However, looking at the fine print of those User Agreements that you have to check off when you install a Maxi-Soft program, or buy any computer product that works with Windy-Ohs, I discover that in skimming past all the words, and just clicking "I Agree", I have entered into several 200-year contracts.

We'll just have to see where the Wind blows...

Chow for now!!

Good grief...

I am so far behind on my e-mails, I'm responding to items received weeks and months ago. It's gotten entirely out of hand...

For example, I see that I have missed out on a 2-for-1 sweater sale at a large chain of popular department stores, which expired just prior to Jan 15, 2007. I could have really used 2 sweaters for the price of 1. My BOGO was a no-go...

Part of this is due to having FOUR active e-mail addresses. Actually, six if you include the two different Yahoo accounts I've had to open, for discussion groups. Discussion groups which provide more than their own share of contributions to my ample amounts of delayed e-mail responses.

So, clearly I need to set up a program for getting back to people promptly. Before they graduate college, in some cases...

Maybe I should spend less time clinging to rebroadcasts of "The Price is Right". I'll just have to embrace the new episodes, once Drew Carey takes over the helm.

I could quit training for my shot at "Dancing With The Stars" perhaps. For one thing, I'm pretty sure you have to BE a star, to even be considered. However, it sure has improved my fox trotting...

Oh well, something will come to mind. I do need to get on top of this task, and start responding far more promptly than I currently do.

Hey, look at that subject line! A friend has sent me a greeting card!!

THERE'S one to check out first!!

Chow for now!!