Seems like we just don't have our fingers on the pulse of North American TV viewing habits...

Just about every show that Mrs. That Dan Guy & I enjoy either gets cancelled, or ends. Among the biggest of those - The Sopranos. Just a handful of new episodes left, then it takes a long walk on a short pier. Cement shoes. Goes for a boat ride with Tony, to swim with the fishes...

A few other newer shows we were watching have already been yanked. Now it would appear that a few more are getting the hook, at the end of this current season.

We don't watch a ton of TV, and we try to stay away from the overly-popular programs, so that may have something to do with our disappointment. I mean, why enjoy something with real actors and well-written scripts, when you can immerse yourself for an hour in some drivel about an imaginary "bachelor", and the boobs that are battling to be his babe? Makes Green Acres look like award-winning TV, in comparison...

We've already confessed to one guilty pleasure - Gene Simmons' Family Jewels. The guy makes for good TV, what can I say?? I'd rather watch this guy do his over-the-top shtick any day of the week, than most other crap on the tube.

Just sayin'...

Chow for now!!

To add some variety to all the live concerts we tend to attend, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I went to a movie the other night. We decided to check out "Wild Hogs", with John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, and William H Macy. Yessir, it was a Disney movie, no doubt about that!!

First thing you should know, there are no wild hogs at all in the movie. Nor domestic ones. Not even a cute little pot-bellied piggie. You won't even find "this little piggie cried wee wee wee all the way home"...

No, the "hog" reference in this flick is a play on words, as all those actors ride motorcycles! Get it?

OK, so with that bit of knowledge, you are better prepared to enjoy the show.

No review, just that little bit of advice. We both thought it was funny. "Wild Hogs 2" is already in development.

Now, if you wanted to ge see "Hogs Gone Wild - Jamaica", well, I've got no pearls of wisdom there.

Hey, technically speaking - would those be pearls before swine??

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

I ain't trying to be no expert or nuthin', but if I open this here can, what part of a chick makes up "PEAS"?????

This is cluckin' nuts! I seen chicks, and nowhere have I ever noticed peas. What do you featherless humans use for a resource?? Seed packs? The picture looks more like "Chick Droppings"!!

Just sayin'.....

This is like last week, when I saw an ad on TV for Chubby Chicken. I like a little chubby on my chickens, so I took a walk, and found one of these A & W joints.

What kind of animals are you guys?? That weren't no dating service! The only chickens I found were covered in batter, and shoved inside a warming oven!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!

Cannibals!!!!!

Bad enough I found this can of "Chick Bits" in the cupboard here, but there was a few cans of something called "Chicken Noodle Soup" as well.

Well, lemme tell ya, the day I start seeing chickens with soupy noodles walkin' around, is the day I consider checkin' out a rehab joint...

Buk-AAAWK!!!

By the way, watched Game Two of the Vancouver Canucks, Anaheim Ducks series last night. Even though The Canucks won in double overtime, I gotta side with my feathery friends here.

Go Ducks!!!

And don't get taken in by some shifty restaurant chain advertisin' "Chubby Ganders", while you're at it...

Cluck for now!!

So, yesterday I added yet another "life experience" to my growing collection. I had a Thallium Stress Test, to evaluate how the blood flows to my heart muscle. For years, I have considered my heart muscle to be somewhere between Popeye, and Ah-nold Schwarzenegger. In about a week, I'll find out if it's more like somewhere between Olive Oyl and Don Knotts...

It's quite a process, and a time-consuming one as well. You arrive early in the morning, well before many roosters even crack open an eyelid. We passed lots of early worms, lolligagging around, on our drive to the clinic. The early birds were still deep in slumber.

Anyways, we get to the clinic, and after fasting since midnight the night before, Mrs. That Dan Guy had to help support me, as we shuffled up three entire flights, in the elevator.

Once checked in, I was eventually ushered into a set of semi-private stalls, where the medical technicians drove a steel needle into my arm, for an IV drip. This allows the eventual injection of Thallium, a nuclear fluid which allows them to track the blood flow in my body.

It also allows them to read pamphlets in the dark, while was nose was glowing. If that situation continues into this winter, I'll enlist my services to replace Rudolph this year.

At any rate, once you're all dolled up and ready to go, the next step is some treadmill work. The one in the clinic doesn't have a single particle of dust, or old clothing on it. What, do these people actually USE them??

After you've EXHAUSTED yourself for 2-3 minutes of totally brisk walking, you are sent on your way, to kill FIVE HOURS before returning, for more testing. Now I know how those poor frogs must have felt, in my high school biology class. Well, maybe not so much, considering some doctor isn't wearing my lungs as a hand puppet...

So, in a week or so, we'll see how well the ole ticker is working. In the meantime, I'm saving a few pennies on my electric bill, having unplugged the night light in our bedroom. Seriously, my nose is glowing like a LED display...

Chow for now!!

It all starts out innocently enough...

I was working to deadline yesterday, for my weekly newspaper columns. One of the pieces I had been working on required a comparison of myself to a famous male performer. In the past, I've worn out comparisons to people like Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney.

So, I felt I needed someone new to compare myself to, for this particular column.

I went to surf the Google, and typed in "hot male hunks". As Dave Barry used to say: "I am NOT making this up"...

Well, imagine my surprise, shock and horror to find HUNDREDS of websites appear, all dedicated to helping me find the perfect "hot male hunk". And, several suggestions as to what I could do once I found one! Yikes!!!!!

I amended my search (hastily, while drawing the blinds), to "hot male CELEBRITY hunks", and the same hundreds of websites appeared again, but this time offering candid shots of say, new James Bond actor Daniel Craig golfing naked. Oy...

If I had had a major coronary at that moment, I'm not sure how I would have explained my computer screen to either the good folks at EMS, or Mrs. That Dan Guy.

I do know for sure that I'm just going to pick up a copy of People magazine next time....

Chow for now!!

I've sat in front of this keyboard and screen many times before, and had absolutely nothing between my ears. Nothing that might eventually form into a posting, at any rate...

Today, that empty space has solidified. Maybe with chicken feathers, or old Jell-O. Could be all that ear-wax I should have been Q-tipping out of my ears all these years.

The point is, when I've said "I got nothing" in the past, I was only scratching the surface of the nothingness that sits on a chair here today.

I truly haven't got one single thought to put to text, and fill this space....

Oh sure, I could probably try faking my way through, maybe pretend to compose a little song:

"My elbow bends, my ears are soft,
I think my dog just coughed"...

(Twang Twang Twang)

Somehow, I don't think I'll fool anybody though.

The nothingness between my ears today just can't be disguised by brilliant lyrics like that, or even a funny quip about nails (get the point??)...

So, better just to surrender, and try again another day!!

Chow for now!

Man, how long am I going to have to wait for The Pink Panther 2?? It seems like it's been YEARS since the last one....

And whatever happened to Air Bud? Did the poor dog pass away, with no fanfare?? Why hasn't he been back for a lacrosse film, or maybe "Air Bud - Badminton Bedlam"???

We haven't been to a movie in a while now (that will probably change when "Spiderman 3" or "Rocky 9" opens), so we are feeling a little nostalgic about some of the old classics, as mentioned above.

And while I'm on this tangent, can anybody out there explain to me why Anthony Hopkins keeps getting nominated for Academy Awards, and yet Adam Sandler still awaits HIS day at the podium?? Are these judges all blind to evident talent??

One thing we are getting tired of (at the movies) is having to smuggle in our own candy and popcorn, what with the outrageous prices charged inside the theatres. It used to be not so bad when we just smuggled in a handful or two of Glosettes, and a zipper-lock baggie of microwave popcorn.

However, that honestly sucked the big potato. So now, we bring in hand-popped popping corn with generous gobs of butter. That has ruined at least one pair of corduroy slacks...

And the chocolate in a larger quantity melts in my shirt pocket, NOT in my hand. It looks like I'm carrying around a leaky spittoon in my shirt...

Hmm. The more I think about it, maybe we should just stay home, and wait for "The Notebook 2" to come out on Movie Central....

Chow for now!!

The Monday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To - But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review" - The Smothers Brothers...

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer...)

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I caught yet another legendary comedy act (which if you can read, you've already discovered back at the first sentence...), The Smothers Brothers.

Now, younger readers admittedly might be thinking: "Who??"

For the record, these guys have been comic icons for almost fifty years, which would indeed make them older than your great-grandparents. But that doesn't mean they aren't still funny as hell!!

As a matter of fact, the synchronicity and tightness of a performance with that many years in the game was easily apparent, as the brothers had that concert hall roaring from start to finish. Classic routines, new stuff, all delivered in a unique style that I've enjoyed since I was a youngster myself. Which may actually reveal that I am older than your grandparents myself...

Whatever!!

The point is, these guys might seem leftovers from a long-gone era of entertainment, but they were fresh and timely with their material. Every bit worked!

But the real treat was a multi-media presentation of the highlights from their TV career, and the huge stars of the day that appeared back then, on their various shows. That's what underlines their appeal 50 years down the road - some of those routines drew as big a laugh as the stuff they were doing live. That, my little friends, takes talent!!

We got that in spades last night!

*************************************************************

On another note, we left the show just in time to get home and see The Calgary Flames blown out in the second overtime period - essentially opening up their golf season earlier than anyone here had hoped.

There's always next year...

Chow for now!!

An Ode To Candles

Candles make light in the dark.

Candles take the smell out of ....toots...

Candles on their own can smell keen.

Except lavender ones, they smell like my grandmother...

Candles come in all shapes and sizes.

On sinking sailboats, they capsizes.

Candles can be tall and skinny, or short and fat,

There should maybe be a comment here about Jack Spratt...

Candles drip

Wet noodles droop

Cranes swoop

50's musicians shooped.

If you haven't paid your electricity bill,

a candle is your new best friend...

A horizontal candleholder is not the brightest idea I've ever come up with...

Too many candles spoils the soup.

Or was that chefs???

Has there ever been a super-hero named Captain CandlePower???

Candles cure darkness!!

A candle saved is a candle earned.

You candle handle the truth!!

Victoria's Secret has a new line of candelabras...

I candle believe I posted this....

Chow for now!!!

Chicken Scratch

Greetings, fleshy fur-bearers. I'm a chicken, and you're not....

Well, this may be one of the last postings I'm ever gonna make here. I got an offer to blow some blues harp in a new band, and I've accepted the offer. Now we just have to come up with a name.

Here's what we're tossin' around:

* "Red Rooster and his Little Peckers"

* "BB Chicken & The Side Dishes"

* "Hot Legs"

* "Captain Peck-Tastic & The Barn Yard Riots"

What a cluckin' hoot this is gonna be!! No more having to get up before the crack of noon to peck out this stupid column. We'll be tourin' the nation, and the two best things about that are:

1) we'll meet tons of hot chicks,

&

2) we'll meet tons of hot chicks!!!

I'll bet you didn't even know I was a big-time musician!! Yeah, I got started as a toddler, playing a plastic xylophone.

Buk-Buk-Buk....Buk-AAWK!!!!

Pardon me...

From there, I found a harmonica, and started learnin' how to play the great blues, stuff like Howlin' Woof, Slow Sonny Molasses, and Michael Bolton. Word musta got out, because now I'm gonna be hittin' the road, without even auditioning for an Idol show!!

So, have a good life, featherless mammals! You ain't gonna have Charlie to kick around anymore!!

Unless you come see me play live. Then you can buy me a few Boilermakers, and kick me as much as you wanna...

Cluck for now!!

I must (humbly and meekly, maybe even in the dead of night) remove my "Help Wanted" sign, posted in a moment of frustration after Game Two of the Calgary/Detroit playoff series.

Seems I was a little hasty in my assessment of the hometown hockey hopes. Well, being new here, I apparently still have a lot to learn....

The series is officially tied at two games apiece!! Go Flames!!

************************************************************************************

Hey, how about that new season of Gene Simmon's Family Jewels?? Both Gene and his long-time (unmarried) partner Shannon Tweed underwent facelifts, and we're watching the healing process on national TV!! Great fun, with the terrific senses of humour that they both have.

Now we can only cross our fingers and wait for Alex Trebek's Hairpieces Gone Haywire...

**********************************************************************************

I'm surprised that I even have the strength to gone on with a posting today, after Sanjaya's untimely demise from American Idol. Even though we both refuse to watch even a few seconds of the show, it is impossible to escape some reference to this broadcasting juggernaut.

We watched David Letterman the other night, and he had on a young fellow that originated the website dedicated to keeping the ....unlikely contestants (like Sanjaya) alive, in the voting. I think it was called "Vote For The Worst". The title says it all!!!

However, for us, that would keep the entire cast on the show....

*********************************************************************************

Just asking - would you raise with a a King/Ten off-suit, or fold if there's an Ace on the flop???


Chow for now!!

The Thursday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway-Concert-Review” – Il Divo.

(Or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

OK, so I’m an Il Divo fan – what of it???

I picked up their first CD on a hunch, way back when nobody had even heard of them. We loved it, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I, and we spread the word to everybody we knew. So, go ahead, blame us – that’s why they’re so doggoned popular now...

Well, we were able to see them live last night, and it was every bit as tremendous as we had expected. Maybe even a bit more than tremendous. How can you really track that sort of sensation?? It may have been tremend-tastic!!

The crowd was sold out to the rafters, and as you might expect, it was assembled mainly of bikers and blue-collar males. Ha Ha Ha! Kidding!! The other six guys there and I met for a beer before the show…

After a surprising performance by opening act William Joseph, a pianist who has written songs with David Foster, the stage was opened to reveal a huge orchestra pit, and a stage that was essentially 5 various-sized discs. More likely they were giant doubloons, to signify the coinage these four guys are pocketing these days, but again, who can tell??

At any rate, once the show got under way, the Il Divo Orchestra began an overture of their hits.
Well, technically OTHER people’s hits, as Il Divo does like a good cover tune. If you’re not entirely familiar with their library, the quartet has covered songs by The Righteous Brothers, Eric Carmen, Bryan Adams, Harry Nilsson, and Toni Braxton (man, how would you like to be Paul Anka? Elvis, Frank Sinatra, and now Il Divo have covered his song “My Way”. I’ll bet you HIS credit card never gets declined!!).

At any rate, a cover is what they opened with – “Nights In White Satin”. From there, it was an evening of stellar vocals, sung in English, Spanish, Italian, French, and Ancient Mayan. It all sounds Mexican to me…

About midway through, they took advantage of a Trans-Siberian Orchestra-style musical interlude, to go offstage and change. From matching black suits, to different black suits.
When they did their Kleenex-grabbing version of “Mama”, that’s when the blubbering, the screaming, and the fainting hit an all-time high. I must say, Mrs. That Dan Guy is very understanding when I act like that in public…

The only thing I can say that I’ve ever seen similar to Il Divo in decades of seeing live entertainment may have been The BeeGees, way back before they became the poster children for 1970’s disco. There was one segment in that show where the three brothers gathered around a single microphone, with a single guitar, and harmonized.

Jeez, I’m getting teary-eyed again…

Chow for now!!

As it would appear that I have (yet again) nothing between my ears this morning (aside from "Go Flames!!" - Yee-haa!!!), today I am resorting to posting snippets of a column from some time back in today's space:



But then again, maybe I should be worried about copyright violation. Do I really want my column available to word poachers? Or left lying in wait for some lazy writer that will copy this stuff down, and later try to use it as his or her own???

Do I really want stuff that I've written to appear on MeTube, or WeSpace - whatever those sites are called??

Looking back at what I've posted so far this morning, is that really ever going to happen??

By tomorrow, I had damn well better have something to say here, or I WILL let that crazy chicken out of his coop...

Chow for now!!

In retrospect, yesterday's blog may have come across as somewhat harsh. Maybe even a bit knee-jerk. Of course, when your team seems to be playing like 80-year old arthritic milk cows, you can appreciate a little frustration from the fans...

Tonight Game Three gets underway, and home ice is where this team shines. MTDG and I couldn't afford to hock another kidney for play-off tickets, so we won't be in attendance. However, this is the time of year we actually pay attention to NHL games, even teams we normally wouldn't give a rat's tooshie about. We'll be following the game, on the shimmering boob tube.

So, come on Flames - let's get this boat back on course. Note: Those large, unshaven fellows wearing red jerseys are icebergs. Avoid them. Beat them. Be as strong as a frozen puck....

****************************************************************************

That's pretty much all I got today. My muse is in Cancun, on vacation...

Chow for now!!

HELP WANTED!!

6 Forwards, 4 Defenseman required immediately, to assist overworked, frazzled goaltender in NHL playoff bid.

Some experience would be an asset, but not a prerequisite. If you can skate and hold a stick at the same time, you are encouraged to apply.

If you have perhaps just come off a major world championship win with a Canadian women’s hockey team, we would be especially happy to hear from you.

If you have played two seasons of junior hockey, and won your division, please consider responding to this opportunity.

If you have just signed up for your first-ever Pee-Wee league, you may not be entirely disqualified for consideration. Please submit a resume…

If you are a skating Golden Retriever named "Bud", report directly to the Equipment Manager - you're hired!!

This is a temporary, full-time position, possibly requiring as few as two games. WARNING: you WILL face an aggressive opponent, almost as aggressive as the ongoing feud between Rosie O’Donnell & Donald Trump.

Prior to Game Four of the current playoff series, send resumes to distinctive NHL cowboy-themed arena. After Game Four, direct resumes to Donnybrook Golf Course. No rush...

Pay scale is commensurate with experience, or a heartfelt promise to get this team through to the next round of the playoffs (we frankly don’t care if you’re crossing your fingers behind your back as you make your vow, just promise us you can do it…).

Thank you in advance for your consideration. Only those applicants being seriously considered will be contacted…

Chow for now....

Breaking News!!

...which has already been pre-empted for a concert review and a completely classless chicken....

Went for my follow-up appointment late last week, for my skin cancer diagnosis. It would appear that they got what was bad, and the healing is coming along just fine! This is good.

I do have some follow-up treatment though. I have to apply some cream for about 6 weeks, to kill off any (potentially) lingering skin cancer cells. This cream is also used for gentle warts.

Oops! My bad. That was supposed to say "a private part of one's anatomy", NOT "gentle"...

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In just over 10 minutes, the Calgary Flames suit up to redeem themselves, in Game Two of their Stanley Cup series. Detroit kind of...well, pulverized them in the first game, so they need to "flame on" today.

And hey, how about that great new TV coverage, running playoff games between 1:00 AM and 6 PM???

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Spring is DEFINITELY here now. I can't listen to Snow Patrol until winter again...

**************************************************************************

With that sort of logic, I shouldn't watch any games with "Fleury" either...

**************************************************************************

Nor should I enjoy a Wendy's "Frosty" at this time...

**************************************************************************

I fear I may have a "brain-freeze"...

*************************************************************************

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Mornin', boys and girls...

Charlie ain't feelin' so good this morning, so keep it down, OK???? Tequila is liquid hell, kids...

So, here I am at press time, and I can barely get my beak on the keyboard. The thought of pecking keys right now is making my teeth hurt, so pardon me if this is running late.

I gotta answer a few recent e-mails, so here we go:

Dear Charlie,

Do you work out? You always look so buff!!

Brandi

Dear Brandi,

First off, hot name, Toots! And yes. I do Pilates every morning. Except maybe today....

****************************************************

Dear Charlie,

Have you ever had any plastic surgery? Your beak looks abnormal...

Carson

Dear Carson,

First off - BITE ME!!!!!! Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Second, what happened to Brandi?? I don't need this kind of crap on a weekend morning.!!#@!!!

Third...I'm a RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!

*****************************************************

Dear Charlie,

You're HOT!!

Candi

Dear Candi,

Bless you. Do you have a sister??

***********************************************

Dear Charlie,

Where's this month's alimony, you deadbeat piece of plasticized poultry???????

You Know Who...

Buk-AAAAWK(ward)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh boy...gotta run kiddies....

Cluck for now!!

The Friday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To-But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review" - Johnny Reid

(or, Why I Will Never be A Professional Concert Reviewer...)

(Sorry, no picture this time. You can see loads at www.johnnyreid.com)

So, I've blogged before about how big a fan I am of this Canadian country artist. I even worked a paragraph about him into my weekly humour column, earlier this month. He's like an amalgamation of classic Rod Stewart, with a touch of John Mellencamp, but original as all get up and go.

Actually, we had some classic old Little Feat on the cd player for the drive home, and he's got touches of that too.

Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I finally caught him live last night, and he exceeded every expectation we brought to the table (the bouncer confiscated a lot of them at the door anyway...).

We had a chance to catch him at a great little venue, The Deerfoot Inn & Casino, so it was an up-close, personal affair. Mr. Reid had a great warm-up act, and by the time he hit the stage, there was no lookin' back. Lots of new stuff, loads of stuff from last year's album (one of my personal favorites), delivered relentlessly.

For a country artist, he's got a lot of soul, R & B flavouring. As a performer, he even got a couple of old farts jumpin' and clappin'. Well, one at least. I basically nodded my head to the beat frequently...

And for someone that's about as Scottish as you can get, he delivers a serious rockin' country show. His band got a chance to showcase as well. The drummer got to play a lengthy solo, which was reminiscent of the very first big rock group I ever saw in concert - April Wine, who by the way is playing the same room tonight...

Mr. Reid is also not a bad looker, for the ladies out there. Trim, fit, and well-groomed, when he tossed a tie out into the audience, he got a rather substantial brassiere back in return. He's like a modern day Tom Jones, which is also a little reminiscent, as he performed a killer version of the old Jones country hit "Darlin'".

Mostly it was his original stuff, delivered in spades live - especially an extended version of "Missing An Angel", that almost entered gospel territory. Astounding...

Kind-of almost took the sting out of the Flames getting spanked by Detroit in Game One...

Chow for now!!

PS - For the life of me, I will never understand why the spaces in my drafts disappear here when I post these lengthy blatherings. My apologies for the dense copy today...

Went for a quickee yesterday...



Oil change, that is. I was way overdue, and didn't want to wait to get into my usual choice of service centre. So, I went through one of those Quickee Changee, wait-in-your-car joints.

I'll learn....

My "quickee" oil change was pretty quick, but the bill afterwards made my ticker quicker...

You see, these guys can't afford to pay rent on free-standing buildings with $12.00 oil changes, so they have to supplement that "hook" service, the one that gets you in the door, with optional services. And, if you're completely mechanically disinclined (ME ME!!!), they have you by the tender hairs.

By the time I was done, I had fluids replaced, filters replaced, and part of my interior seating re-coloured. I had dangerous dust particles inside the engine compartment contained in space shuttle grade-Saran Wrap, so as not to possibly interfere with fan belts. I even had a radiator massage, which I'm not even going to try figuring out.

The bottom line ended up with the typical charge for a simple oil change hitting about 6 times the going rate. So, these characters made inroads on paying for that month's rent, but will never see me darken their doorstep again.

Unless my radiator needs another massage...

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The Vancouver Canucks are doing their best to stay alive in the early round of the NHL playoffs. It took them FOUR overtime periods to beat The Stars.

The Calgary Flames prepare to unwind Detroit tonight, in their first game of the series. Yee-Haa!!! Go Flames!!

And then there was Spring...

The snow that hit us for the last few days has somewhat vamoosed, after a few days of rain and warmer temperatures. Oh, it still tried to keep snowing, but the rain eventually won out.

So, did anybody else out there decide a 120-pound turkey would be a great idea for this past weekend's holiday dinner?? Even with four people taking stabs at it, this bird continues to give. I can see peanut-butter-and-turkey toast for breakfast, chicken-noodle-soup-with turkey for lunch, and Kraft-Dinner-a-la-Gobble-Bits for supper. That's just this week. Not sure how creative we can get before the resilient old bugger is gone, but there was plenty enough meat for a good-sized family of Smurfs on him.

Which is all fine and dandy. It would have been embarrassing to serve up a scriggly Cornish game hen, and be getting into a fistfight over the one gangly little drumstick ( I should really find a better grocery store - don't hens typically have TWO legs??)...

At any rate, things could be worse. I could be covered in welts from accidentally eating tainted squid. Or, I could be stranded on a desert island, with an i-Pod filled with Justine Timberlake music.

Gotta run. It's time for "discovery" breakfast - today I'll see how Fruit Loops tastes with turkey tidbits...

Hula Boola!!

Chow for now!!

Great...

I see now that even my e-mail responses have fallen victim to my procrastination tactics...

Not too long, but long enough. Even with the recent addition of a Blackberry to my world of daily technology, I see that I will only skim most e-mails, and respond either later that same day, or even occasionally bump it to the next day, if I feel it merits more attention in a response.

So, now having the ability to respond instantly, from a sofa or ferris wheel seat, anywhere in the world, I can also now choose instead to procrastinate rather than reply. For me, that's hardly a fair fight...

I mean, it's one thing to leave the garbage until it walks out on its own volition, but just a short electronic digital note?? Have I become that bad with my delaying (no comment necessary, MTDG...)

Sometimes I wish I had the two-fisted, take-no-prisoners attitude of Charlie, who is remarkably swift at replying to his e-mails. Of course, he is a chicken after all - so aside from eating, sleeping, and avoiding the evil officers of Colonel Sanders, what else does he have to do all day??

I should go. I had about a dozen e-mails come in overnight, and I really should get around to deciding which ones need to be avoided first...

Chow for now!!

We are funny birds, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I...

Yesterday we had some friends over for dinner. To prepare, we went into a bit of a panic.

First off, we did a sweep of the home, to see what we needed to make it look complete and inviting. That ultimately involved myself casting a large piece of pottery from scratch, and MTDG having to weave curtains for several of our rooms. We also used a light meter to determine exactly how much drapery we needed to leave open in every room, for maximum effect and ambiance.

We took a one-night candle-making course, getting our bachelor's degree in beeswax proficiency.

Once the setting was picture-perfect, we did a stem-to-stern cleaning, using environmentally friendly products - like raw bleach and turpentine. Hey, you try getting chewing tobacco stains out of a white rug...

After the house was cleaned, we had to run to the corner store to use their bathroom, and we showered at the local "Y". We didn't dare have a single towel or strand of toilet paper look out of place. Martha Stewart would have looked like Oscar from the Odd Couple, compared to our entertaining preparation (which for the purpose of coding, we called preparation "H").

We gave Charlie what our doctor called "a mild sedation medication sufficient for subduing a rhinocerous with an impacted tooth". He behaved himself quite nicely, while reciting what few letters of the alphabet he could remember...

Finally, I recorded hours of flute and cello concertos, to play delicately in the background. I only wish I had read the titles of the songs beforehand. Even on woodwinds and strings, In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida and Smoke On The Water are pretty rockin'...

The visit was a success, so it was all worthwhile. I think we convinced out friends that we live like that (cultured and such) every single day, rather than the reality of spending our entire weekday nights in long underwear and t-shirts, eating every Frito-Lay product known to mankind....

Hope your weekend was a great one!

Chow for now!!

Yikes!!

Quite a bit of a scare last night....

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I went out last night, to grab a little dinner, and possibly do a bit of slot machining. It would have made some sense, given that we went to the casino restaurant for the meal.

However, just as we finished eating, and prepared to liberate the coin inside some of those slots, I got a call on my cell phone. Call Display said "Private Caller", which I took to mean "telemarketing pond dweller", or "overly eager and somewhat premature tax collection agent". I let it go to voice mail, which for the record, is something I would NEVER do normally.

However, curiosity got the better of me, and I played the voice mail. Thankfully! It was our alarm company, alerting us to a patio door alarm!! We had to rush all the way across town, all the while worrying about some thugs having broken in. Did they do willful property damage inside the home? Did they take our old unread newspapers? Why, oh why did I put an old pair of underwear on top of the vase in the dining room?? What would they think??

Being a virtual rock in these sorts of situations, I found myself oddly buckling over inside. The closer we got to the house, the more the butterflies in my stomach felt like full-grown vultures fighting over a dead squirrel...

When we got home, I sent Mrs. That Dan Guy around to the back of the house, while I searched for our pocket flashlight, which never seems to be in a pocket.

In the back yard, all we could see were rabbit footprints, not a single human one. Unless the Easter Bunny was trying to leave us a seasonal holiday surprise, or was trying to supplement his income with a pawned colour TV, we appeared to be the victims of a false alarm...

When the guard from the alarm company arrived, I scared the bejeebers out of her, walking up to the car while she was looking down for her own pocket flashlight. Her warning shot thankfully passed through a piece of my jacket, not even nicking any flesh...

So,we now know the alarm system works well. It could have been a bird or a ball that thumped the patio door, and set off the alarm, but the trial panic run went pretty well, all things considered. We are extremely thankful we didn't come home to find a real break-in...

Have a Happy Easter, if that's your persuasion today!!

Chow for now!!

Do your best, Coppers – I ain’t talkin’!!

Buk-AAAWK!

Well, what a pickle I found myself in yesterday. Turns out it ain’t such a Good Friday if you get caught trying to falsify Keno numbers. Hey, I wasn’t trying to win the jackpot…who cares if I add three, four or five numbers to the crappy ones I picked??

Well, law enforcement seems to care. These freakin’ bruisers come in to the pub, and pretty much grab me by the scruff of my nekked neck, and it’s off to the cop shop. One guy works me over, while the other one shoots a freakin’ sunbeam inta my face. The bully made my beak shake!!

Buk-AAAWK!!

Well, while Abbott & Costello were tryin’ to get me to talk, I started peckin’ at the table, which they didn’t like at all. Brand-new?? From where, Wal-mart???? Then they got even madder when I lost it, so to speak. Hey, I ain't exactly paper trained!!

They tossed me in the clink for a few hours, to try and scare me up a bit. The one guy that tried to get too friendly won’t be eating hot dogs with his right hand, any time soon, if ya know what I mean…

After a few hours, they decided it might look a little awkward, a chicken in front of a judge, so they let me go with a warning. Just in time too, the afternoon races start in half an hour, so I gotta trot over to the horse track…

Buk-AAAWK!!!

Cluck for now!!

It is a fine, fine spring day here. The birds (covered entirely in heavy parkas and waterproof rubber galoshes) are singing, the grass is (covered in yet another freakin’ fresh blanket of snow) is rizz’ (is that even a word???), I wonder where the flowers izz’??

That is definitely not a word….

Yes, we came home from downtown Calgary late last night while snow was briskly falling, as we enter the second week of spring here. Looks more like early October in Winnipeg. I sure hope “they” weren’t kidding when they told us summers are nice here. I generally like to see the snow go away for July & August, but it was catch and go in Winnipeg, so I’ll cross my fingers that things are different here…

It is a unique perspective. In Kelowna, we were just waiting for the lake to warm up enough for water-skiing, at this time of year. Here, we watch the tulips cluster together, frostbitten and more than just a little bit P.O.’ed about having to sprout in a milder Siberia.

Better run. I need a second cup of coffee, and some sort of breakfast.

Have a Good Friday!!

Chow for now!!

Off to see the opthamologist this morning, for my aging diabetic eyeball checkup. This is one I'm not tremendously fond of, as they put drops in, to freeze the eyeballs. Why do they need to freeze the eyeballs, you might ask?? Like any doctor, they are sadistic...

Oh well, at least it's not the other annual checkup, where rubber gloves and digits go where they shouldn't ought to. EVER!!

Tonight our Calgary Flames should cement their playoff spot. Who are they playing again?? San Jose?? I wonder if they know the way to San Jose??

And our junior team eliminated the Kootenay Ice last night (hey, it's spring - ice melts...), and now go on to face the Wheat Kings, from my former home province of Manitoba. Those two lines are totally pandering to my NHL Bloggers commitment, or typical lack thereof...

No hate mail in the "Letters To The Editor" section in today's Calgary Herald, so I have to assume my column didn't incite riots in the street yesterday.

And finally, the snow here is winding down. Spring may finally be punching a hole in this inclement weather. That may be just a little too dramatic a thought for this early in the morning...

Chow for now!!

I've got my first piece in the Calgary Herald today (hey, doesn't that just assume there may be more someday??), a guest humour column on the Editorial Page. You can probably view it online at:

http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/index.html if you register for the digital content.

It was a piece referring to the booming wait times in ER rooms, now approaching 11 hours!! If you're going to sit in an emergency room that long, you need to be prepared...

You can also read online about the mayhem this fresh snow has been having on morning commutes. Our local version of the Autobahn (Deerfoot) was a particularly good source of fender benders...

Short one today, I have to run around now and buy a couple dozen copies of The Herald...

Chow for now!!

6:02 AM

Again, snow overnight. The street is blanketed, much like I should still be. This is NOT a good start to my day…

6:04 AM

Coffee, the elixir of the gods… Within moments, my brain will begin to awaken, and the twittering images on the TV screen will start to make sense…

6:06 AM

No, the twittering images on the TV screen are just that – twittering images. However, they do indicate several more days of this weather. If this is spring here in Calgary, I’m going to greet that blasted groundhog next year with a little “Sopranos”-style persuasion for more accuracy in his weather predictions…

6:09 AM

Had a couple of cookies. Blood is now starting to course a little faster through my body. The coffee cup feels less like a cruise ship boat anchor, more like the kitchenware that it is. I wonder if just chewing coffee beans would speed this morning process up at all???

6:15 AM

Well, looks like the morning newspaper is going to be late. Shouldn’t someone in charge of such a vital mission as my paper delivery be better equipped?? Don’t they offer sled dog teams to the carriers?? Or even a helicopter, anything…I need my comics page, and I need it NOW!!!!!

6:20 AM

Still no paper. Are we back to the Stone Age???

6:31 AM

I just heard the newspaper thump up against the door. I’ll need to use my extend-o- grabber to pick it up…don’t want to get my fuzzy slippers wet…

6:45 AM

Heh Heh Heh…That wacky Garfield…

6:50 AM

Ugh. Need to think of something to blog about. Better get my keister up to the office…

Chow for now!!

If Alberta were a live person, it would be seeking medication for schizophrenia…

Just the other day, it was +14 here. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and corn was growing high as an elephant’s eye.

Today, the streets are covered in snow that fell all day yesterday. The official temperature is –9, but –17 with the wind chill. I don’t need the wind to tell me it’s chilly; -friggin’ 9 is cold enough…

So, the spring jacket that I transferred the contents of my winter jacket pockets to needs to be emptied, and returned to the parka. My sandals go back under the stairs, and the mukluks will be unwrapped, to serve once again.

Sadly, my golf clubs go back into the attic, as I fire up the manual snow shovel one more time. Winter has grasped us once again by the throat, and chokes any hopes of spring rejuvenation into whimpering submission. In other words…this blows!!!

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For a guy that spends almost every day providing general annoyance to his partner, April Fools’ Day has become a sort of practical joke Amnesty Day. I haven’t done a single thing to hoodwink MTDG in years, as I tend to do something virtually every other day instead. Intentionally or not…

I did worry that that ludicrous weekend chicken may have done something, but he seemed content to continue sleeping off St. Paddy’s Day carousing…

Better run. I need to chisel a path for our vehicle.

Chow for now!!

Happy April Fool’s Day, boys and girls!!

Sadly, I have nothing top-of-mind to try hoodwinking you with – no practical joke at all. I’ve just had a large breakfast, so the old blood vessels are taking a little longer to flow through my brain…

What I do have is a comment on the movie we saw on Movie Central last night – “Comeback Season”.

Somewhere deep in the cobwebs of our craniums, we remembered hearing about this movie, written and directed by local-boy-made-good Bruce McCulloch, formerly famous for Kids In The Hall. If you ever wander into the CBC studio here in Calgary, you’ll see a plaque with the cast of that classic TV sketch troupe, right in the entry foyer…you’ll see it again as Security points you back out to where you had just come from…

At any rate, this movie was a real treat! I’ll let you watch it yourself on Movie Central (“the ultimate uncut & commercial-free movie entertainment package offering hundreds of movies a month”), or surf the Google to find out more about it, but essentially it’s a story about two men whose paths in life parallel, and their ultimate journey together to redemption. Well, maybe it’s not all that lofty, but if you enjoy a great movie with a decent moral baseline, this is one you won’t want to miss…

On that note, we could hear Charlie off in the corner somewhere, snorting sarcastically…so it may not be everyone’s cup of tea…

What was fun for us, is that it was filmed here in Calgary, so we got to see loads of familiar places, like McMahon Stadium, historic Inglewood, and that big green glass building we-don’t- know-yet-exactly-what-it-is, downtown…

We also recognized an actor in the movie from the live production of “Urinetown”, the Broadway musical we saw here last year.

“Comeback Season”. Check it out, if you have the chance. And yes, this is one of those postings I describe in my blurb at the top of this page: “it may not always be funny, but it will be several paragraphs, one after the other…”

Chow for now!!